Cutting father off in 2026

[Staceyfrombarry]

My mother and father broke up when I was young, my mum is with a lovely man and has been for years. He has been more of a Dad to me than my own one (and my grandads!) so I appreciate I’m lucky to have had a father figure in my life but my own actual father brings me to tears nearly every time I speak to him.

Some days he can be ‘nice’ and other days it’s like he’s had a personality change. A frequent thing he says is I need to sort my life out it’s a mess..I have a job, 3 kids, a lovely partner (I know there’s more to life but I’m not sure how that makes me a mess) . He says I don’t do nothing and my job is s* and he can’t believe I’m happy earning a little amount of money, he says I’ve let my kids down. One of my children is diagnosed ADHD and autism and has bad anger outbursts. His latest one is how weak I am for not hitting my child across the face and if I did that my child would never touch me again if I did so. If I ever try to get my point across he says that who I’m his daughter not his friend and if I ever spoke like that to him in his house he’d pick me up and throw me out. A few days ago he said have you noticed how I’ve not bothered with you this year and I said yes but no different to any other year and he said it’s because he doesn’t particularly like me. I need to cut him off in 2026..but a part of me thinks he can change.

I'm so sorry OP he's fucking awful.

Even if he did change, you'd always know what he used to be like. Also you'd always be in fear he'd go back to how he was.

Please love yourself enough to protect yourself from this dreadful excuse of a man

Thank you. I feel like I needed to see this written down. Sometimes after speaking to him I start wondering if I’m in the wrong and is my life really so bad. I question myself so bad. I don’t speak about him to many people, especially not my mum as her and her partner are absolutely amazing and I really should just cut him off but I still feel an emotional tie. Everyone thinks he’s lovely like friends so I’m stuck.

@Staceyfrombarry your dad will never change. Maybe for a bit but you will always be wondering when he's going to snap again. Grey rock and preserve your happiness. Hugs x

Deep down I think I know he won’t. He’s been like this for years..I just wish we could have a good relationship. I fear that if anything happens to him that I’d never of got the chance to experience a father-daughter relationship

They wouldn't think he was lovely if they could hear him talking to you!

I strongly recommend writing down what he says, it makes it clearer.

I think when we don't face reality but seek approval from parents who are actually being nasty ro us, it's like an addiction. Very hard to break. We had an inbuilt need to be accepted by them that wasn't met and gets frozen in time.

You're becoming aware, which is great, you might now start feeling anger and sadness, that's normal, and finally I hope you can let go x

I definitely need to as I forget sometimes too especially when he is being ‘nice’ He’s a master manipulator too so I do often feel anger and sadness but it always seems to fade when we are getting on

How about, weird suggestion, before seeing him, write down some of the worst things he's said on a piece of paper and have it in your pocket, or look at it if you're on the phone.

This will ground you in reality rather than in false hope, or being overly forgiving of someone who doesn't deserve it.

From what you've said he probably enjoys having the power to hurt you - honestly some people are total bastards and it's very hard to see, when it's your parent.

You are not stuck. Stop telling yourself that.

You are free to choose whether you see him or not. Isn't it lovely, to be an adult, and have that choice available to you, rather than being a child and genuinely stuck with him.

He will not change.

He is a horrible man.

He has told you very clearly that he doesn't like you. What a foul thing to say to your own child. What a nasty spiteful man he is.

Sometimes horrible people have children. It's just a sad fact of life. We are those children, and we can't change that, but we can change how much of our life we give them access to. Any emotional tie you feel isn't love. It's the same reason bullied children repeatedly put themselves in the orbit of their bully - abuse becomes familiar and so you seek it out. But you don't have to.

Your choice, op.

Look, it's the small child in you that hopes he is not who he is showing you who he is and that you will finally be good enough for him. I think your adult brain knows this will not happen.

Good luck with your plan. I think it's sensible. He's abusive and you can focus on the relationships that actually nurture you.

Whether something happens to him or not, you will never experience that relationship with him. He could live to be 150 and you'd still be waiting.

He's not capable of it. Some people just aren't.

I am so sorry. He is awful. There is probably something really quite badly wrong with him tbh. I wouldn't speak to him again after what he said and would ask him not to try and contact you.

I think you have to protect yourself from relatives like this. They damage your health. What a pig.

The things he is saying to you is really about himself..a loser etc. Sit down in a quiet place or see a counsellor to help you and decide you are going to face the reality of who he is. Not your fantasy of who he could be the the reality that he is one horrible man. Accepting that reality may alleviate the pain you feel and stop you expecting anything which only leads to disappointment. You are a good person to even give him the time of day and to have grown up so well with all that negative stuff. Pulling right back from him is probably the best thing you could do as he is only dragging you down.
Remember absolutely none of this is anything to do with you..its all him.

He's abusive, and at his age he's not going to change.

I think cutting him off, and getting the father daughter relationship you crave from your stepfather is a very smart plan indeed.

You will never experience the relationship that you want with him, Op. He is abusive.

Do not bother waiting for him to change. Cut it now. Enjoy the relationship you have with your stepfather.

You need to cut him off because he is abusive. This is who he is and he’s not going to change. He had a choice when it came to you and he chose to abuse and mistreat you. He’s never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions has he. No.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Ya, I think you are right unfortunately. Chances are that your mum broke up with him for a good reason. If he still has bad feelings about the breakup, he could be taking his anger out on you. Your mum was right to end things with him by the sound of things. It's not your fault at all and I don't know his reasons for behaving the way he does. But I do know one thing, letting him abuse you isn't good for anyone. Someone needs to take responsibility and put boundaries in place and it looks like it isn't going to be him. You sound like you have a lovely family and are doing just fine. Things don't have to be perfect to be doing great. If you have a child with different ways then so be it. You and your family deserve to be treated well