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Original poster

Are DH sisters leaving me out?

61 replies

Asvan · 29/12/2025 14:57

Hi all,

I need some advice please regarding something that's really been bugging me.

I have no sisters, only 2 brothers that live some distance away so I only see them a few times a year. DH has some siblings that live far away who we hardly see but he has 2 sisters who live fairly locally.

Sil1 is in her late 50s, has grown up DC and GC. She works part time and cares for her disabled DH. She doesn't drive and doesn't have much of a social life apart from outings with her DC. In the past I've helped lookafter her DC, let her whole family stay at mine for 1 week when their ceiling caved in and I also still give her lifts in emergency situations. She reaches out more to us than she does to Sil2 when she needs help. She is the eldest sibling and has played a more motherly role in my DHs life.

Sil2 is early 40s and a professional who works full time and has younger DC. She drives and has lots of friends and a good social life - which is all pretty similar to me.

Me and DH have a good relationship with both sils and we plan get togethers evedy few months so that us and the DCs can all catch up and spend time together. Me and sils also ocasionally pop into each others and we go for meals/shopping etc a few times a year.

I've never had any issues with sils and from what I gather they do like and value me but sometimes I feel a bit left out when they plan and do things together. I also feel like they are selective about when to invite me.

Sil1 usuallly instigates any get togethers/outings and I feel like she is the one who orchestrates the leaving out. Sil1 dotes on Sil2 and always gives her compliments and puts her on a bit of a pedestal. I feel Sil1 likes Sil2 more than the other way around.

Some examples of me being left out: 1. Sils had planned a shopping trip together on a Saturday, I saw Sil2 the day before and she asked me if I'm coming. I said I didn't know anything about it. I saw Sil1 later on in the same day and she didnt mention the trip at all. 2. We were togeher at Xmas and Sil2 mentioned that they had planned a weekend away in London this weekend and asked me if i could join them even for a day. From Sil1s reaction it felt like she didnt want me to know about the trip. I obviously refused as it was too short notice and Sil1 almost seemed relived. There are lots of other examples too.

After finding out about their London trip I am feeling a bit hurt and used (by Sil1). Am I actively being left out or do I need to consider the fact that they are sisters and will want to do things without me? As I don't have my own sisters I just don't understand the sister dynamic. It hurts because I value both of them a lot and me and DH are always the 1st to help Sil1. DH knows it upsets me but he doesn't know what ro do about it. He can't really force them to let me tag along can he?

Also to add me and sils are not on a WhatsApp group so it's Sil1 that acts as the go-between to plan things. I actually don't interact much with both of them via phone but in person we get on really well.

We are all going on our first family holiday abroad in April with our DHs and DCs and I can't help but feel that I'm going to be made to feel like a spare part while I'm there. A trip that me and DH have done all the legwork for in terms of research, itineraries, booking flights/hotels etc.

Can anyone advise on what the best way to deal with this is?

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 29/12/2025 15:01

They're sister's. Them meeting up without you is not excluding you. It sounds as though they include you very often. They are allowed to see eachother without you. This doesn't mean they don't value you.

MapleOakPine · 29/12/2025 15:05

I think you may never be as close to them as they are to each other and that's natural as they are sisters. That doesn't mean you can't have a lovely relationship with them both. I would try not to get too bothered about being included in everything. If you feel you are doing too much for SIL1 and being taken for granted then that's a separate issue and you could step back a bit.

Gustavo1 · 29/12/2025 15:06

I don’t think they’re leaving you out as such. They are sisters and have a different relationship with each other as they do with you as a sister in law.

It’s great that you get together often and enjoy spending time together but I think it would be unreasonable of you to expect to included in everything they do together.

Sorry if that’s not the answer you were looking for.

Endofyear · 29/12/2025 15:07

They're sisters - they're allowed to meet up without you. It sounds like you see plenty of each other anyway, you have your own friends too. No reason to be jealous.

PevenseygirlQQ · 29/12/2025 15:09

I wouldn’t take to much offence OP, myself and my sister often like to do things us 2, my SIL often does things with her sisters, sometimes I’m invited sometimes not.

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2025 15:10

They are sistrs who had a relationship well before you even met their brother, they can meet up without you as much as they want
I think that maybe as you have no sisters you were hoping for some but that hasn't happend

couldthisbe2501 · 29/12/2025 15:12

It sounds to me like they include you in normal ‘in law’ type things and they do the ‘sisters’ day out thing because they’re sisters and well, kindly, you’re not?

Pancakeflipper · 29/12/2025 15:12

I don't think it's personal. They are sisters. It's not about you, it's about their relationship.

Original poster
Asvan · 29/12/2025 15:13

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2025 15:10

They are sistrs who had a relationship well before you even met their brother, they can meet up without you as much as they want
I think that maybe as you have no sisters you were hoping for some but that hasn't happend

You've hit the nail on the head with this one. I've always wanted a sister and honestly do see them as my sisters so that's where the disappointment is coming from. I guess I do envy the relationship that they have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asvan · 29/12/2025 15:14

Thanks everyone for the replies it helps put things into perspective.

OP posts:
EsmeArcher · 29/12/2025 15:19

Perhaps take the lead and you arrange things for the three of you to do together?
And don’t take it personally, they’ve known each other forever and it sounds lovely that you all seem to get on well when together.

mindutopia · 29/12/2025 15:23

They aren’t your sisters though. To me, it sounds like you have quite a close relationship already if you are popping over and going shopping and for the occasional meal. I’ve been married to Dh for 18 years. His family is lovely, but I’ve never stopped over to BIL/SIL’s or gone for a meal or shopping with SIL. She’s perfectly alright, but she’s not my friend really. I don’t think they are leaving you out. You just aren’t close friends or sisters, more acquaintances by the sound of it, and it’s totally fine they do things together.

Anxietybummer · 29/12/2025 15:29

Is it possible that, given your similarities, you and DS2 have more in common that DS1? In which case I can imagine DS1 preferring to do things 1:1.

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 15:38

MummaMummaMumma · 29/12/2025 15:01

They're sister's. Them meeting up without you is not excluding you. It sounds as though they include you very often. They are allowed to see eachother without you. This doesn't mean they don't value you.

It's this.

If you'd like to do more social stuff with SIL2 then I think you'd be ok to organise something.

Two's company, three's a crowd. You don't have to do everything as a three. See each of them individually to build the relationship rather than trying to insert yourself into their one on one time.

I understand why you feel a bit left out though.

Original poster
Asvan · 29/12/2025 15:53

Thanks for all the replies it's really put things into perspective. I think the ill feeling is also coming from the fact that I sometimes feel Sil1 will lean on me and DH for help but then she will actively leave us me out of the more fun stuff, which makes me feel a bit used. However, I guess that is a separate issue altogether.

OP posts:
Teacaketravesty · 29/12/2025 16:00

Asvan · 29/12/2025 15:53

Thanks for all the replies it's really put things into perspective. I think the ill feeling is also coming from the fact that I sometimes feel Sil1 will lean on me and DH for help but then she will actively leave us me out of the more fun stuff, which makes me feel a bit used. However, I guess that is a separate issue altogether.

Never mind DH: think about you. Make sure you aren’t agreeing to favours in the hope she might become more like a sister. Only agree when you feel like helping freely. It isn’t a transaction or for points.

Teacaketravesty · 29/12/2025 16:01

(It’s ok to grieve the absence of a sister in your life, and natural to envy their closeness)

DaisyChain505 · 29/12/2025 16:02

They’re sisters, blood relatives and have spent their whole lives together. You are their brothers wife. It’s a whole different kettle of fish. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you it’s just a whole different relationship.

I see my two sisters all the time and wouldn’t ever think that I’d need to include my brothers wife.

Terrribletwos · 29/12/2025 16:06

Asvan · 29/12/2025 15:53

Thanks for all the replies it's really put things into perspective. I think the ill feeling is also coming from the fact that I sometimes feel Sil1 will lean on me and DH for help but then she will actively leave us me out of the more fun stuff, which makes me feel a bit used. However, I guess that is a separate issue altogether.

That would make me feel as you do tbh and a bit used as and when.

Your sil should show you more consideration especially when she is leaning (using) on you. I think it's disrespectful to not least ask you if you want to go to events/outings.

She sounds inconsiderate but maybe doesn't realise. I would pull her up on it..in a gentle way....for now...see how it goes.

Chewbecca · 29/12/2025 16:07

do I need to consider the fact that they are sisters and will want to do things without me?

Yes, absolutely. The relationship they have between themselves is different to the relationship they will have with you.
You may have made it clear you are a little disappointed not to be equal, hence making DSIL1 feel the need to avoid mentioning their activities. I think you need to try to prevent her feeling awkward.

user1492757084 · 29/12/2025 16:12

They are sisters. They have adored each other since they were born.
Plan to do some day trips and shopping with SIL2.
Organise it and both decide to go, sometimes alone and sometimes inviting SIL1.

You have nice times together often so just be thankful and assume that they will have their own agenda without you sometimes.

Lollypop701 · 29/12/2025 16:28

maybe ds1 sees her brother as the support person and you are included in this, her sister as the fun person… so just family dynamics. Sil2 doesn’t appear to see this, as she’s asking if you’re going.

personally I’d start making plans with both sil off your own bat, coffee and a walk, theatre etc… they will obviously have their own times too but there’s no harm in asking. If it’s a no you have an answer and I wouldn’t take it personally .

if your husband is happy to continue the support, that’s fine And he can do that… that’s his choice but I’d only do what I was happy to do

NextItsBooty · 29/12/2025 16:29

I think you are better off trying to cultivate relationships with each as an individual rather than all of them together as a collective.

You can never emulate the relationship that siblings have with one another because they have a shared history that you can never be a part of.

Original poster
Asvan · 29/12/2025 17:27

Thanks for all the helpful posts and suggestions. I do tend to have more one-to-one time with Sil1 because of all the help I give her. With regards to Sil2, I only see her when all 3 of us are together, I do feel we have a lot in common but she is always busy and quite guarded so I've never actually reached out to spend time with her alone. Also I think if I did that Sil1 would be quite upset.

OP posts:
bondix · 29/12/2025 17:33

There is no doubt they both value you and are thankful you are there. You are their sister-in-law and you are part of their family.
there will always be times where you are included. Instead of seeing the other times as being ‘not included’ reframe them and your relationship.
Instigate the odd event with them and look forward to the holiday - you will have some time with them and some time separate too. Do things for your peace, not theirs. Hope this makes sense x