I just want to have a little moan/vent. It’s not a LTB case, as my boyfriend is actually not a bastard at all - which is probably why I’m so bewildered at the total lack of effort he made for Christmas. Context - been together 3 years, don’t live together, I have young dc, he has none, he travels a lot for work, we see each other on average once a week, sometimes more often, sometimes less.
For our previous Xmases together we agreed not to spend loads and instead just go for a night out or a nice meal. This year we didn’t decide anything, I had asked and he’d said about having his eye on something for me but it was expensive so he’d not yet committed. I had a feeling it was a cookery class he knew I’d been wanting to do. In the past he’s bought me lessons and experiences like that, and printed off the voucher or details so I can choose my own dates, and I know they can be dear. So thought I’d better get him something a bit more decent. I’d already bought him some nice personalised bits for his home and little tokens, chocs etc, but after he said that I got him a more expensive gadget I knew he’d wanted. All good.
He was round at mine about a week before Xmas and saw his gift bag ready on the side and said ‘oh that looks full, I better up my gift game if you’ve gone to all that effort for me!’ And I agreed and said yes he should. Very light, not a big deal, both laughing about it. The next day we were out at an artisan type shop and I bought myself something, and was joking with the cashier about feeling guilty spending money on myself at Xmas. I said ‘well it can be my present to myself, I won’t have much to open’. BF acted all offended, as if of course he’d got me piles of things to open.
Come Xmas day he opened his gifts, was really happy with everything, then passed me 2 small gifts. 1 was a random deli item (think piece of cheese, not rare/expensive, my username is related - pate would have been better!) and the other was a cheap pair of socks. The deli item was weird, we’d agreed to each contribute some nice deli bits for a buffet meal on Boxing Day, so clearly he’d just wrapped up one of the random food things to pass that off as a gift. I was confused and he was all ‘oh you love this, you always say this is the best’ and I was like ‘nope never mentioned this in my life.’
He then said my main gift was going to be a night away to a place we’ve discussed going previously. I said that was very generous of him, asked when had he booked for etc. No actual booking, plan or dates in mind as it turned out. ‘When it’s warmer’ is all I got. I acted as graciously as possible and I appreciate it is a nice thought, but that’s all it is - an idea. And I know ‘it’s the thought that counts’ but in this case, it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like no effort, or at least very low effort.
For me it’s not about the cost, it’s the nothingness of it all. Why act like he’s going ‘up his gift game’ and all that if he knew he had got me barely anything? He could have at least shown me a possible hotel or whatever, or at least suggested a potential weekend - just anything to show he’d put some thought into it. I didn’t say anything about it other than to point out the deli item is not something I had any interest in and I don’t want him thinking I do and he constantly buys it. He did look a bit shamefaced about that.
I tried not to read too much into it all. But we spent a few days together and he didn’t say anything further about the potential trip. We were watching travel shows a lot and talking about city breaks we’d like to do and even then still nothing.
I don’t really want to raise this with him, even though I am definitely a planner! I don’t want to ask anything about the trip, as I don’t want him to be ‘nagged’ or reminded into booking something. I want him to show some initiative and make it happen, or at least come to me to ask when I’m free to go. I know he’s not a mind reader but if it’s a gift for me, I refuse to question it, chase it or plan it. One of the reasons I’m divorced is because my ex left it up to me to plan literally everything and I got fed up of dragging him along with my life. I thought my BF was much more proactive, and he often can be, so hoping this is a blip and trying not to worry too much about what it means, which I am prone to do.
Thanks if you got this far and have any words of wisdom!