NC but confused about it.

[Thesofathatwas]

I’ve not blocked, but I’ve not been in touch with my mother since June.

Had nothing at all from her, no phone call or text.

I know her attitude to this will 100% be “fuck you”. Not concern if anything is wrong, not wondering if everything is ok, just “fuck you, im not contacting you if you aren’t contacting me”.
Last time it was 7 years with no contact.

Im stuck between feeling sorry for her because of her shit, domestic abuse, heavy drinking marriage but then our consequent shit childhood at her hands mostly (physical, emotional and psychological abuse).
Her manipulative, aggressive and nasty behaviour now makes her a very difficult person to get along with.

She has zero interest in me or my kids. Asks nothing, shows no interest, my sisters dysfunctional family are her main focus due to the drama I think.
That’s all fine, I don’t see them either, haven’t seen them for many years.

I feel relieved, guilty, mixed due to her shit life but justified because of how she was with us kids and how she is now.

Am I justifying it because she hasn’t been in touch with me?

Last time I saw her I offered to take her food shopping, convenient for her as I had reminded her of my child birthday in 2 days. She said great, she could get a card and stick a tenner in it.
Meanwhile she piled a ton of pink plastic shit into her shopping trolley for my sisters kids for their birthday the following month.
This is the pattern. It’s like my kids are absolutely nothing at all to do with her.

When she needs medical help I’m ok with leaving my other sibling to support with that. It’s sort of karma as this sibling is my mother incarnate. Taste of her own if you will.

I don’t want contact. I don’t want to be any part of it. But feel a bit guilty.

Hey I am also NC with my mother (her choice, mental illness involved) and just wanted to say that it's ok. Perhaps if you want reach out in the new year? But I get the exhausting cycle of starting up and it being ok for a while then more issues

Why the confusion? Stay NC

I have purposefully kept my children very very low contact with her because I won’t expose them to her.

I suppose I feel guilty for many reasons.

Yep. Spot on x thank you x

If a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/abusive etc for YOU to deal with, it's the SAME deal for the kids too. I would count it as a positive she has no interest in your children because she would try and harm them in similar ways as to how you've been harmed by her.

There is no justification or excuse for the ways in which you have been treated by her. Many people do not have ideal childhoods at all but they do not go on to abuse their now adult child or children. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to do what was likely also done to her i.e. abuse you. She neither sought nor wanted to seek the necessary help.

Fear obligation and guilt are the three buttons she installed in you from childhood onwards. Those three feelings you have re your mother are just those because you are a good person unlike she and they are entirely misplaced. Do not give the FOG any more power than it already has.

OP

Is your dad still around; where is he?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

You have been wise not to expose your kids to your mother's toxic batshit. It is not beyond the realms of possibility she actually has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder/s.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do read and or consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these relationships pages.

And your sibling sounds like a mini me version of your mother.

You don’t go NC as a manipulation tactic. It’s because you literally don’t want any contact with the person. She is doing what you’ve asked. I’d be grateful. I’m NC with my mum and she stalks the shit out of me, had people track down where I live, sends crazy stuff to my house. It’s awful.

It sounds like your life is better without her, but now it’s your job to do the work of healing. Stop picking at the wound. Stop holding out for her to change. You focus on you and making your life better.