Those with grandparents who favoured your cousins

[Xmasssssss2025]

Do you remember this growing up? Did it strongly bother you. My two kids are too young too notice at the moment but recent events over Xmas have really brought it to light for me. My DH says it's his childhood all over again with SIL being golden child and now their kids are too. We don't see them much (they don't make the effort to visit us) so not really through choice but now we are thinking to really cut it back and us stop making the effort to see them. But when together kids love being with them/aunties/uncles and cousins etc.

I’m good friends with my cousins (we are all GPs) and really don’t hold it against them that our shared grand mother really disliked me and my sisters because she never wanted my father to get married. I can remember her criticising my hair in front of the whole family when I was very little. She did everything for the cousins including measuring us and then making dresses for them. We all stopped going to visit her as soon as we could. In her 90s she spoke about how she had alienated us , but it was too late.

Sadly for your DH he grew up within a narcissist family system where this sort of dynamic of golden child and scapegoat is repeatedly played out down the generations. It does not surprise me to read that for your DH it is his childhood all over again because it really is. Now his sister is the favoured golden child (a role not without price either though she is unaware of this) with her kids being golden whilst your DH and therefore all his family members i.e, you people are scapegoated.

I would definitely dial down on all the visits to a point of zero sum. Also these people do not make the effort to visit you people. Your kids won't miss their cousins if they are seeing them infrequently nor mix with them as they get older. Chances are they are already at different schools so again the connection
is tenuous. With you people out of the frame entirely hopefully his sister and her narcissistic parents will turn against each other. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone like this and I therefore would not bother with them.

It is not his fault nor yours this has happened.

Will your DH consider therapy re his family of origin?. It could benefit him. At the very least he could read up on this subject (he could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward to start with) and look at Dr Ramani on Youtube. If your parents are nice, and importantly emotionally healthy, I would concentrate your efforts on them. You all need radiators in your life, not drains.

My cousins remember. They even have a special song about their evil grandmother. (I am the other side of the family so gladly not related to her, but even used to join in the song, at 30yo I remember every lyric).

So yes they knew and remembered.

Yes my cousins were favoured by my nan over myself . It upset me as a child , but as an adult I realise why .
My nan lived in Wales and would visit all her family and stay for a week or two .
She nearly always stayed with her eldest son and would visit her other son & daughters houses before returning back to the son's house she was staying with .
I think she preferred them because she spent so much time with them but if course that was not something I thought about as a child .

Yes, this happened to me and my MiL favours her daughters daughter over her other 2 grandchildren.
i adored my grandparents, I am one of 10 and the majority of us have absorbed my grandads work ethic and are hard working and live a comfortable life whereas the favoured cousin went to private school partly funded by my grandparents and is now a recovering heroin addict who has taken handouts all his life. This is a patten I see repeating with my MiL as her beloved 20 year old granddaughter can’t hold down a full time job, her greatest achievement so far is to have a (gorgeous) baby with her 24year old boyfriend of 18 months who has never worked. Her other grandkids have worked very hard to try to make something of their lives (as has her son) and in all cases (including my beloved granddad) they believe (wrongly) that’s its all been down to luck no acknowledgment of their good work ethic.
my family find it all amusing.
I have been affected as im a chronic people pleaser and it really does upset me and i avoid seeing my in laws too regularly as a result

My sibling would say I’m the favoured child and my children are the favoured grandchildren but it’s actually that I put more effort into our relationship than my sibling does,

regarding my mum, I visit her, I invite her places , I talk to her on the phone, I make an effort.

my sibling does none of that.

We make a very real effort not to do this, our daughters in laws however, it’s definitely the golden child daughters kids who are favoured, not just at Christmas, but all year long, at their house several times a week, overnight stays,take them all on paid for holidays, daughters kids are lucky if they bother to see them once a month.

My DH is obviously the least favoured child between him and his sister. It is very obvious her children are favoured it really bothers me so I have simply stopped going to family gatherings the children still go as they are young and like playing with their cousins but when they tell me they don't want to go they won't go.

The sister will always text my husband what to buy her three children for their birthdays and Christmas (always presents between £20-£30) which is fine yet when it comes to buying our three children she honestly spends no more than £5-£10 on them I find this so entitled even she thinks her children deserve more cba with her at all- so I don't make any effort with her

You often find that a daughter’s children are favoured as the boundaries are blurred because of the close relationship between them . They live in each other’s pockets . It is interesting though when the in laws begin to age and the favoured ones reach out for help and can’t understand why it isn’t forthcoming.

You’re right cut back on seeing them, if you don’t at some point the children will pick up on the favouritism

Sometimes it’s due to proximity I think. I had no relationships with all but one of my gp really. He made more effort but the others lived hundreds of miles away and had other gc who lived close to them. I’m finding the same with my siblings now. They have moved to live in the same town and expect me to visit them which costs me hundreds of pounds. They rarely make the effort to visit us and so they have a much closer relationship with each other. It’s hurtful but what can you do. If they enjoy meeting their cousins I’d maybe try to meet up with them separately.

My brothers and I still joke about the favouritism our Nan showed our cousins, especially the one Christmas when they got a Sega Mega Drive 2 and we got pyjamas. We were definitely hurt at the time though and stopped seeing her as soon as there was any option.

Yep, DB was the golden child (in spite of me being better behaved and academically more successful) and his kids are favoured over mine. Mine are well aware of this but they are 6 years older than their cousins so they were teenagers before they noticed. Having spent their whole lives listening to my DM bit*hing at me regularly and not being much better to them, it’s water off a duck’s back, as it is with me. They don’t blame their cousins and the two closest in age are beginning to have more of a relationship.

Both sets of my DGP favured our cousins - bothered our parents much more than us but we weren't often around them - one lot lived aboard other we still rarely saw.

My parents then did same favouring neice over my DC but pointing it out got no where - it was blant IL and friends commented on it. Less so though a bit when newphew came along. We moved further away and it doesn't matter to our kids - they are closer to IL. MIL has at time favoured DD1 but when pointed out has tried to stop - DS got a lot of negativty from FIL and she and we stepped in and that's now stopped as DS is now an adult.

I can find reasons for all/most of it - but doesn't change fact it happened. DH had it as well. Doesn't really bother us it just was what happened oddly harder to watch with my DC even when I can come up with reasons.

Think it's probably harder when it one of a set of siblings than cousins who can be avoided.

No, it didn't bother me. We lived much further away from them so didn't see them nearly as often. It's only natural they'd be closer to the grandchildren they saw every week.

My paternal Grandparents preferred their other grandchildren over us.

We never blamed our cousins, it wasn’t their fault. They were also younger and I think remain unaware of any differences in treatment.

It did mean we weren’t close to those Grandparents at all, their loss.

Oddly both my daughter and I had Grandparents who very much favoured other grandchildren. My Grandmother in particular adored one grandchild and largely ignore the rest of us, so it wasn’t just me. Whereas my In-Laws very much favoured their DD’s children and ignored our daughter (by their DS).

My experience helped me get our daughter adjusted to her Grandparents behaviour. She grew up reassured that it wasn’t her fault, it was a ‘them’ problem and they were missing out on knowing her. When she was little she’d still be polite and try and engage them, but by adulthood she’d avoid them and I don’t think she’d seen either of them for about 5 years by the time they died. Oddly the grandkids they had favoured never visited either, so in the end they were on their own. DD doesn’t blame her cousins she knows it was entirely down to her Grandparents but they don’t have a relationship either, which is a bit sad.

We had this growing up and it didn't bother us whatsoever. But that's probably because we rarely saw them (as a result of the strained relationship), weren't close to cousins on that side, and had an extremely close bond with our other grandparents on the opposite side of the family. So we just never gave it any thought. It must be difficult to manage if your kids are close with their cousins, although I think I'd just avoid big get togethers and see the cousins when GPs weren't present.

Hi

My MIL greatly favours her other grandchild. It has been incredibly hurtful over the years and I have tried to shield my children from it, visiting her, trying to encourage a relationship by inviting her to performances etc. She doesn’t bother but will do everything for her other GD, including taking and picking her up from school everyday. 10 years ago, when my DH asked her if she could do this for my own DD one day a week when she was in reception, she said no because it was too far for someone her age to travel (10 minute car journey). DD ended up at after school club. When it was suggested recently that other GD attend after school club, we were told it would be ‘cruel’ to send a child there.

Anyway, despite me pretending that all grandchildren were loved equally to protect my DC, my now teenage daughter confided in me recently that for years she has quietly observed her behaviour and her passive aggressive comments and she has irreparably damaged their relationship. DD does not feel sad about it as she knows her other GPs adore her, understand who she is and want to spend time with her - they just live too far away.

GPs who favour certain GC are only really hurting themselves and missing out on wonderful children who grow into incredibly insightful young people.

It’s too late for my MIL now and I know she regrets it when she is bemoaning the fact she now hardly sees them.

Thanks everyone. I will check out that book recommendation. Alot of the things are little but build up. But it's mostly the lack of interest in our kids. Whereas they are actively part of the other grandchildren lives and make the effort to be.