Dad issues and Christmas

[cubiclejockey]

Sorry for the long post.

I've been on Mumsnet for a long time and I don't post/comment very much. But I had an incident with my Dad on Christmas Eve and I've been having intrusive thoughts about it ever since so I'm hoping if I post here I can get some perspective and get things out of my head and into words here. Thank you for "listening". (I will be seeing my therapist in the NY).

I am 54 and my Dad is 78. He's been married to my mother for 54 years. Long story short, we live 3 hours away from each other so I see them a handful of times each year. Although they do say they love me and are proud of me, my Dad has been controlling and emotionally abusive to me all of my life and my mother defends and enables him. He is very religious and uses that to justify most of his behaviour and points of view. This is hard for me to write but he is misogynistic, homophobic, a pillar of the patriarchy, etc.

I told my parents that I would be working until Christmas Eve and then the plan was to travel up to them that day. I spent the month beforehand preparing with gift buying, making arrangements with a family member to housesit for our dogs (subsequent cleaning, stocking and preparing for their stay). My brother and I have an arrangement where we both contribute to the meals and grocery shopping and my husband volunteered to cook biriyani for everyone for Christmas Eve which he did like a champion.

I asked my mother previously if she could have some extra wrapping paper so I could wrap some of my presents there instead of shoving wrapped presents into a suitcase. All agreed and arranged.

After dinner, I commented that I was going to wrap some gifts with the help of my daughter. My Dad said, don't bother wrapping your gifts. I lightly ignored him (ha ha Dad, of course I'm wrapping gifts) and proceeded to do so. He would wander by making comments but I just got on with it and put stuff under the tree.

By the time I sat down with the family in the living room, I was exhausted, almost nauseous with fatigue. I also was managing a mild UTI which was making me uncomfortable. The family was having companionable conversation, or so I thought.

My Dad says to me, in front of everyone, "Where are you? You are not here." Meaning he didn't think I was being "present" enough. He said, "You are not here for your father or mother." He said a few more disparaging things and then I tried to make light of it and said, well at least I'm not a burden. Then he said, no, but you are in a prison of your work.

When we were leaving for our hotel, he physically grabbed me and forced me to look at him asking what was wrong with me. I told him that I was just tired and not feeling that great. He then made a point of telling me "I am your Dad." We left, things were mostly normal for the rest of the visit.

I just feel the whole incident is a straw that broke the camels back for me. This wasn't about concern or empathy for me, it was a very long standing pattern of his controlling behaviour and wanting me to capitulate to him. And I am very, very tired of it. And feeling much too old for it!

I am a grown woman, with my own family and career, and I feel my Dad still tries to put me in my place and clip my wings. I'm not really asking for advice I guess, more commiseration from anyone perhaps.

Thank you if you got this far.

This sounds hard to deal with; a lifetime of being put down and criticised. I don't have any advice, but want to cheer you on as a capable human being who has a successful life, marriage and a family of her own, in spite of his behaviour towards you. This is on him, not you - he's a limited person and you are not. Well done for dealing with him with grace and dignity.

@sheenaisapunkrocker
Thank you for your kind words and for responding. I really appreciate it.

This incident also hit home that nothing I do will ever be enough and that maybe the man doesn't even really like me very much.

I think you're right - it doesn't sound as though you will ever please him. I was going to prefix this with "sadly" but changed my mind because actually, disappointing a bigoted misogynist means that you are living a free life; and thats not sad at all. To please him you would have to be chained down. What is sad is that he has these unhealthy values, and also sad because you didnt deserve a parent like that.

Holding your hand op. I was 49 when the veil fell for me. It’s a shock to realise you lived your life not only without parental warmth but with active ill will on their part.

It goes against everything we’re told and want to believe but here you are looking at it in the light.

There are some incredible resources online to support you as you think about this new awareness. Also look for the safe people around you. Some previously, seemingly kind people may also surprise you by trying to shame you back into the old narrative ‘all parents are loving’. Your recognition of the truth is a rare gift. You’re clearly brave and loving.

You can trust yourself.

Therapy.

I have a similar (although by the sounds of it less harshly delivered) dynamic with my father. I am in my 40s, him just into 70s so similar age gap. Therapy and rethinking how I respond to him has really helped.

Usually at Xmas or other gatherings there will be, at some point, some argument or tension between me and him because I am trying hard to stick up for my own values and those of my family and he puts me in my place or continues to dominate.

This Xmas I responded very differently and the result was my DM and DF ended up having quite a lot of conflict. I found this fascinating. I wouldn’t rise to it so it came out in another direction. I rarely see my DPs argue so I was shocked to watch this.

You can’t change him, but you can change how you respond to his behaviour and how you procrsss it. Therapy is the best £80 a week i’ve ever spent.

What does your DH say about how your DF treats you?

I’m not interested in helping op to tolerate harm. Op will already be the expert in that. Op needs to learn to recognise and remove herself from people whose energy is only about overpowering them. We’d want that for everyone.

Think of it like this. Imagine aomeone posts that they have realised their husband hates them. Some responses suggest that the op can learn to not care about it. Some explicitly tell her that. Some may go on to subtly shame op. Remind op that no one is perfect. You know the script.

this is not comparable because the OP is an adult human being with a whole family life outside of her father’s influence and literally lives three hours away

she only sees him a handful of times a year

totally different it being married to someone who treats you like this

Posters are saying that she is right to identify unacceptable behaviour and to consider how she manages it in future.

OP, you recognise him for what he is and he is never going to change so lf you are really done with him don't visit. My feeling is it's not that he doesn't like you but rather that he demands your full attention when you are there and thinks in his entitled manner that he deserves it.
I am guessing your Mum enables him and that he still sees himself as 'head of the household'. Fortunately you are 3 hours away and your visits are few but you can reduce them to zero if you wish.

I’m wondering what the possible benefits are, and to whom, for a person to spend social time with someone who they have realised has no warmth for them? it doesn’t benefit the person who doesn’t love us. They get no rosy feels from our company. We just get hurt.

But. But it looks like we’re a normal family. And people like that. People like to see a family together. Etc.

she only sees him a handful of times a year

And op just did one of those visits. And it bloody hurt her. In her home. Where she should be safe from people who are harbouring no good sentiments for her.

How many times a year is an unkind parent allowed to harm us? How many times is too many? Serious question?

Thanks to all of you who took the time to respond. I appreciate it more than you know. And I agree with all of you! Hat's off to my upcoming therapy appointment.

My husband is all too aware of what my Dad is like. He's tried to intervene on my behalf in the past to upsetting results. My Dad's religious POV is such that it is pointless to have a two sided conversation with him if that makes sense. This time, my husband just listened to me vent in the hotel room and supported me.

And it's true that I think my Dad feels entitled to me like I am some sort of extension to his existence. I people pleased with him so much as a child that his own parents pulled me up on that when I was around 11! And even my parent's nickname for me as a child was "the diplomat" as I used to mediate between the two of them when they argued. Ridiculous.

While the notion of no contact is tempting, my brother has a two year old and is expecting a new baby in March so there are upcoming family obligations that I feel obliged to attend. My parents had me when they were 23 and had my brother when they were 40. He experienced a different version of their parenting as a result (more mellow and mature) but I don't blame him. However, he does lean towards my Dad's views and doesn't understand what I experienced in my life in their orbit as a kid because he wasn't there.

My sib is a similar story. Often unkind people have continued access to people who tolerate their abuse because those relationships are held in place through the fear, obligation and guilt. It’s a tale as old as time. We think ‘no, there’s a bigger picture here I need to think about’ when the actual bigger picture is equally terrible.

Also, thank you @speakball . I am curious to know more about your sibling's story if you are willing to share. I have learned more from here about FOG. I find it utterly relatable and depressing but a good way of describing the situation. Thank you.

you are still very much immersed in FOG if you feel
Obligated to attend upcoming family functions for your brothers family. What happens post those?.

He seems like a carbon copy of his abusive father and even though you are far away from him physically you need to put more mental distance between you and your family of origin. the only people who tend to bother with people like your parents (and your mother is also his secondary abuser and enabler) are the now adult children. They are really not worth bothering about. Read the website out of the fog.

I would hate for my husband and children see me humiliated like that. I’d be staying home next Christmas and avoiding the bullying.

I didn’t visit my dad much at all in the last ten years of his life. A couple of things happened that just made me think explicitly ‘I’m not having ds around that’ but also ‘I’m done with this’ after 40 years of stuff and trying to chase a functional relationship with him. I never explained it to him, but I also know why I didn’t - in my view he simply wasn’t capable of that kind of reflection or interaction. My only sadness was that his girlfriend thought she was the problem - she was great.

It’s hard if you would like to see your mum - would you? It helped that my dad and mum had divorced. Would she come to you?

He sounds extremely controlling. I suppose it helped me in some ways to understand some of the contributing factors to why my dad was the way he was, but I’d done that all my life, it wasn’t hard to see. Ultimately though, nothing changed for me until I just decided to protect my own family from him. I still believe that was the right decision - I wasn’t capable of doing it in a less scorched earth way and that’s my limitation meeting his.

Thanks again for all of your comments and advice. It all resonates with me and I appreciate anonymous people on the internet taking the time to respond.

My plan now as per @PermanentTemporary 's situation is to have low to no contact with my parents going forward but quietly. They likely won't notice much because of the distance and their new grandchildren.

My daughter is now 18 and I am very proud of her because she is more emotionally intelligent than I was at her age. She loves her family but also has the measure of them. She also has that healthy distance and likely won't have too much interaction because she is moving ahead and forward with her life plans. They largely missed out on her childhood.

I considered some sort of confrontation or impact letter to my Dad but I know he will just put it back on me and make me feel worse. So I will just continue a safe distance for the foreseeable.

Thank you all.

Your post resonated with me a lot. My dad is a more benign version of what you have described but in terms of emotional impact on me it's just as devastating. My mum died late 2024 and Christmas last year was awful - dad behaved badly and fell out with my DH which has never been resolved. I've spent all of 2025 managing intrusive thoughts, rumination, guilt, anxiety and depression over my relationship with my dad, brought into relief by the loss of my mum/emotional buffer/his enabler. All I can say is that with time and support to understand and process things I have achieved a level of clarity and let go of a lot of the guilt I was feeling. The anger and resentment remains unfortunately, but I am no longer constantly ruminating.

Edited to add - I sent a version of the letter you considered in May in the form of a long text in response to a series of horrible texts from him - he didn't get it, it resolved nothing and just left me feeling exposed. I wouldn't if I were you.

@ShawnaMacallister thank your for sharing your experience and commiserating. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

My Mother is an enabler of my Dad. She has been with him since she was 21. I actually feel she has been kind to me in her life but she has always sided with him.

I appreciate your advice about the confrontation/letter aspect. I agree.

Right now, given that the incident with my Dad was just a few days ago, I am grappling with my feelings of coldness and resolution towards my dad. I feel like enough is enough, nothing I ever do will be enough to please him. And I am done. But it feels very scary and complicated. And maybe that's good.

Oh scary and complicated but WONDERFUL for your soul. This will only ever come one day at a time and fron one survivor to another <Hungergames sign> I can see you’re taking care of your self in ways that are new.

Trust your goodness and clarity.

And yes bringing your pain to them doesn’t change them. In reality that old person you’re trying to soften up had no qualms abusing you as a small child.

Most of us with nasty parents were given no support in recognising emotionally safe and unsafe people, it’s one of the losses you only see in relief. Some people will be unable to hold room for your clarity. Some may feel angry that you’re not performing. Grab a notebook and start writing because you’re about to see some of the murky inner workings of your relatives show up loud and clear.

@speakball yes I agree. It may start with my brother but if I continue with diminished contact I expect a religious/patriarchal email missive from my dad at some point about how I am disappointing him and my mother. Good times ahead I guess.

Honestly I am feeling very discombobulated with everything at the moment. It's like the lightbulb went off after all of these years and I can no longer "unsee" what I saw. On the surface happy families, but curtain drawn, I am the punching bag and will never be good enough. It really messes with my head.

Thanks for responding and thanks to everyone else.