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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sense checking DH behaviour

17 replies

gingersnaps99 · 28/12/2025 21:09

LTR of 28 years. DS is home from uni and going to the pub with friends tonight - one of whom lives in the next village and I offered to give him a lift home at 10.30pm. My husband has gone mad at this - saying I am ruining our evening (we were going to watch a film at home - would have been finished way before 10pm), that I am a push over, that he is angry with my son for asking (he didn't - I offered with a strict time limit of 10.30pm). He told me I should be in bed before then go (??) we up generally around 10pm and read/look at laptops for 45 mins. Even said he wanted to go round to this boys house and have a go at his dad! Now, this other boy has an issue at home I am not fully aware of all details, and that does mean his parents never do lifts - but this is not the point. I offered without being asked! It wouldn't have interruped our evening - he lives 5 mins away, I wasn't having a drink tonight (and hubby doesn't drink at all). To the outside world my DH is very sociable and "lets me do anything" - and as I travel a lot for work and also do go away by myself (as does he) - you wouldn't see it - but he is really controlling sometimes and gets moody and guilt trippy if I don't do things he wants me to. I used to tread on eggshells around this but not don't. I am quite okay with him feeling I shouldn't do this (he can have his own opinion) - but the reaction is way over the top. He is now sat upstairs by himself.......I know it's a snapshot of one thing in our lives - but is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
NewYearNewMee · 28/12/2025 21:12

Nope! Not at all.

Dozer · 28/12/2025 21:13

No, not normal and not good. Controlling.

BlackCatGoesHome · 28/12/2025 21:13

def not!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2025 21:13

No, this is all abusive behaviour and you need to be fully apart from him. You trying to be strong here just gives him further impetus and a challenge to further bring you down. Teach your dc properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

TheSlantedOwl · 28/12/2025 21:15

Controlling and aggressive behaviour. Not ok. I’m glad you now ignore him and continue with your plans. But surely this relationship is not tenable?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2025 21:17

Not just content with abusing you he’s now starting on his adult son. You need to give yourself and he the best Christmas present which is divorcing your abusive h. Your son likely wonders too why on earth you are still with your abuser. So why are you still
eith him?, fear of him, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone?.

gingersnaps99 · 28/12/2025 21:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat Honestly - I wonder if I am just over-reacting to things. Everyone gets grumpy at times. He says he adores me (in fact I know he adores me - I'm not sure I like adored thought - it feels suffocating and like I have to be the version of me he wants). But there is also fear - i think if I left things would be really bad - not amicable in any way. I have no fear of being alone

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 28/12/2025 21:46

My ex was like this too. He hated it when I offered to give my kids a lift somewhere, and I never understood why. I wasn’t asking him to do anything, so why did he care how I spent my time? Eventually, I realized he just wasn’t a good man, and I couldn’t keep living with someone like that. And of course, that wasn’t the only issue, he had many narcissistic traits, was controlling, and made me feel miserable.

It’s been four years since I left him, and my life is so much quieter now. I can love and care for my kids the way I want to. But they’re all grown up now, my son has already moved out, so I often feel sad that I didn’t leave sooner. I know I missed out on so many fun moments with them because I was always trying to please, or at least not upset, my ex.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/12/2025 21:50

gingersnaps99 · 28/12/2025 21:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat Honestly - I wonder if I am just over-reacting to things. Everyone gets grumpy at times. He says he adores me (in fact I know he adores me - I'm not sure I like adored thought - it feels suffocating and like I have to be the version of me he wants). But there is also fear - i think if I left things would be really bad - not amicable in any way. I have no fear of being alone

You’re not going overreacting and what you’re describing isn’t grumpiness: it’s emotional abuse and control. It’s not normal at all. With each extra detail of your post my jaw dropped a bit further. He sounds utterly unbearable.

Skybluepinky · 28/12/2025 22:11

He is definitely over reacting, go collect your son, hubby needs to grow up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2025 05:22

What you are describing ginger is emotional abuse and control. If anything you have become inured to his abuses of you and now he’s further started on your son. Why would it be bad if you left?. He would never be amicable when it comes to divorce because he is abusive. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry and he’s also a drunkard. His primary relationship is with drink, not you. His version of love is control and that lies at the heart of abuse.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/12/2025 09:23

I think over all those years he's been jealous and possessive Op, he even begrudges you giving ten minutes of your time to your DS. He's got used to your DS being away, I bet he won't be happy if he comes home when Uni is over.

H202too · 29/12/2025 09:28

It is mind boggling that he would not want to pick up his don himself. My 80 year old Dad would even offer for my kids. I can understand he not wanting to but to stop you. Nah!! He sounds awful.

MamaJenni · 29/12/2025 12:06

“DH - lets me do anything” like you need permission? Erm its all a bit controlling. You are your own person, why should you need his approval. What a nob

youve done nothing wrong here. I give my teen son lifts, id rather know hes back safe. My ex-h used to scoff at me for doing that. Would never offer the same (mostly because he was drunk). 🥴

noidea69 · 29/12/2025 12:08

He was hoping to have a shag whilst your son was out the house.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2025 12:18

Weird controlling behaviour.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 29/12/2025 12:23

Hnmm. I wonder what his reasons really were for not being happy with this. Not normal behaviour at all. I couldn't cope with so much drama over nothing. Perhaps he was hoping to get an early night and get amorous?

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