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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

13 replies

notwhereitsat · 28/12/2025 16:12

We've been together three years, don't live together. I appreciate everyone's different. My problem is there's no cuddling, no lovey stuff, no pet names, no obvious affection apart from like a friend - I think. We don't cuddle ever, I have to ask him to hold me after sex and it's obvious he's doing it to please me and just waiting for it to end. He doesn't stay over unless it's convenient, say after a late gig - maybe twice a year! I have three needy cats so it's a bit more difficult for me, but I'm possibly digging my heels in too now! We're in our late fifties and tbh I feel he just wants someone to do stuff with. I'd like to feel loved. He tells me he loves me though. He rings me every day I don't see him and we spend most of our free time together. He has barely any friends.

I know I'm the only one who can decide if this is enough, but I'm neurodivergent and struggle to know if what I'm feeling/ seeing is real or my mind going into over drive.

Please don't attack me. I'm trying to decide if this is enough or not, it's a big decision for me. I won't date again if I leave him, I can't face that.

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · 28/12/2025 16:14

"Id like to feel loved"
So you dont. After 3 years.
With respect, in black and white there is your answer

yeesh · 28/12/2025 16:17

This wouldn’t be enough for me

TheCurious0range · 28/12/2025 16:24

He shows his love in a different way, he calls you every day, spends nearly all of his free time with you and tells you he loves you. You would prefer physical affection. He doesn't stay over with you but you also don't stay over with him, I've long been a cat owner, a biscuit feeder would solve any issues around short overnight stays, but it's ok if you don't want to stay out.

Neither is wrong you're just different. Only you can decide if the good things outweigh the things you would like to be different.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 28/12/2025 16:35

The important thing is how you feel about it and it doesn’t sound like it’s enough for you. And I can understand why. Three years in and no affection sounds miserable and I’d be finishing it without question. Because someone saying they love you but not doing anything tangible to show it has no value, it’s just words. I’m fortunate that DH is liberal with the words and the actions but if I could only have one I’d pick the actions every time.

You say that you won’t ever date again if you leave him. I don’t really understand why that is although I’m sure you have good reason. It might be better to leave that out of the equation when weighing up whether you stay with him or not because it’s quite a significant thing to say ‘If I leave him I’ll be alone forever’. when in reality things might change in the future. Probably better to just consider your current relationship and whether there’s enough merit in it to justify staying. If you decide not to leave largely because you want to avoid being on your own forever, you could end up staying in an awful relationship and miss out on something great in the future.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2025 16:39

This is not enough for a relationship. He is using your ND against you and he is no decent man. Better to be on your own with your cats than to be so badly accompanied.

MaidOfSteel · 28/12/2025 16:54

You know what I’d do? Make a list of all the pros and cons of your relationship. Take a bit of time to consider, maybe crossing out any cons that you feel you can live with. Discuss with him any ways you (or he) would like to see changes, and whether they will be possible. Then weigh up both sides of the list, deciding what is most important to you.

I’ve sometimes found that writing thoughts, ideas, needs and feelings down helps to straighten things in my head.

FieryA · 28/12/2025 16:56

It seems both your expectations are different. There is clearly an incompatibility on the physical front. I would not be ok with lack of affection and romance either. Saying I love you and showing it, both are equally important. Of course, everyone might do that differently but currently your needs are not being met. Not cuddling is quite odd. Do you ever stay at his place? Could you leave your cats with a sitter/service a few days in a month so he can stay over? Do you guys go on holidays? There are many elements to a relationship and companionship and eventually its important that all these are fulfilled. Have a honest conversation with him- what are his expectations? How could you both overcome the lack of physical touch? Answers to these will help you both evaluate the future of your relationship.
Though I don't understand the stance of, I won't date anyone again. It puts a lot of pressure on making this relationship a success, whether its worth it or not.

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2025 17:19

TheCurious0range · 28/12/2025 16:24

He shows his love in a different way, he calls you every day, spends nearly all of his free time with you and tells you he loves you. You would prefer physical affection. He doesn't stay over with you but you also don't stay over with him, I've long been a cat owner, a biscuit feeder would solve any issues around short overnight stays, but it's ok if you don't want to stay out.

Neither is wrong you're just different. Only you can decide if the good things outweigh the things you would like to be different.

Edited

100% agree with this. I’m not a tactile person so physically he’d suit me however the never staying over seems very strange to me.

Regardless of there being no right and wrong, it’s not working for you and so you need to decide if he is the right man or whether you need more than he can give you

Catza · 28/12/2025 18:25

Your neuro divergence doesn't make your feelings any less real. I have autism. Yes, my mind can be "sticky" and invent scenarios. But the incoming data is the same. The incoming data you have is that there isn't enough touch and affection. My sticky mind MAY interpret it is lack of commitment and interest in a relationship but that's interpretation. At the core, there is still an undisputed fact that there isn't enough touch. That's solid data. You want more, he is not able/willing to give it to you. That's all you have to base your decision on. Now ask yourself if you are happy to carry on living like this for the rest of your life? If not, then that's your answer right there.

UpDownAllAround1 · 28/12/2025 18:43

Maybe think what you liked about him when you first got together? What has changed in the 3 years?

Original poster
notwhereitsat · 29/12/2025 23:22

Thank you for the responses.

I could stay over at his but not regularly, the cats don't eat biscuits, so it would mean putting down wet food and I can't really need enough down to feed all of them, plus one has to be fed alone because otherwise the other two eat it all.

When I said I wouldn't date again, I meant online dating. If I met someone in real life that would be different.

Making a list of pros and cons isn't a bad idea, although it makes me think of Ross and Rachel in Friends!

We occasionally go on holiday, not often though. When we've been away it really strikes me when I'm alone again in bed. If I talk to him about it, he blames it on me, that is because of my cats, etc.

What's changed in the three years since we met? I think he was always like this, but I thought it would change with time when we were close. It hasn't changed and in reality I'm not sure I wasn't a relationship like this. It just makes me sad.

OP posts:
IllAdvised · 29/12/2025 23:30

notwhereitsat · 29/12/2025 23:22

Thank you for the responses.

I could stay over at his but not regularly, the cats don't eat biscuits, so it would mean putting down wet food and I can't really need enough down to feed all of them, plus one has to be fed alone because otherwise the other two eat it all.

When I said I wouldn't date again, I meant online dating. If I met someone in real life that would be different.

Making a list of pros and cons isn't a bad idea, although it makes me think of Ross and Rachel in Friends!

We occasionally go on holiday, not often though. When we've been away it really strikes me when I'm alone again in bed. If I talk to him about it, he blames it on me, that is because of my cats, etc.

What's changed in the three years since we met? I think he was always like this, but I thought it would change with time when we were close. It hasn't changed and in reality I'm not sure I wasn't a relationship like this. It just makes me sad.

Well, if it’s making you sad, end it. You hoped some things would change, and they haven’t. Move on.

Lamplight78 · 13/01/2026 23:34

notwhereitsat · 28/12/2025 16:12

We've been together three years, don't live together. I appreciate everyone's different. My problem is there's no cuddling, no lovey stuff, no pet names, no obvious affection apart from like a friend - I think. We don't cuddle ever, I have to ask him to hold me after sex and it's obvious he's doing it to please me and just waiting for it to end. He doesn't stay over unless it's convenient, say after a late gig - maybe twice a year! I have three needy cats so it's a bit more difficult for me, but I'm possibly digging my heels in too now! We're in our late fifties and tbh I feel he just wants someone to do stuff with. I'd like to feel loved. He tells me he loves me though. He rings me every day I don't see him and we spend most of our free time together. He has barely any friends.

I know I'm the only one who can decide if this is enough, but I'm neurodivergent and struggle to know if what I'm feeling/ seeing is real or my mind going into over drive.

Please don't attack me. I'm trying to decide if this is enough or not, it's a big decision for me. I won't date again if I leave him, I can't face that.

I'm going through the same. It's very painful isn't it? I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm a similar age to you.

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