Ok buckle up it’s a long one but I’m at my wits end. And thank you to anyone who reads to the end and actually leaves a comment. Please refrain from being too judgemental I am really looking for level headed advice. TW - mention of suicide
I moved to Australia from the UK in 2019 when I was 30 after quitting London life. My brother had passed away the year before from an overdose and I just felt like I needed some space and it was my last chance to get the visa. I met my partner very early on when I got out there, he is Aussie born and bred. Our relationship moved quickly and then Covid hit. Rather than return to the UK I moved in with him and we have been together ever since. Fast forward to present day and we have 2 gorgeous kids together a boy 2.5 (will be 3 in April) and a girl (a little surprise) who is 15months at the beginning of Jan. we are so lucky we have two healthy and vibrant kids BUT he is never happy.
Our relationship has always been turbulent and there were red flags from the off. many which I ignored and put down to an unstable childhood and upbringing. Shortly after I moved in with him in 2020 his mum very tragically committed suicide. Apparently she had struggled with mental health her entire life. This of course was extremely traumatic and destabilising for him, however he managed to hold himself together and we got through it, however it was not an easy time.
In 2022 I became pregnant with my son. We travelled back to the UK in the October of that year and it was unknowingly to me the last time I would see my mum. She died very suddenly and unexpectedly in March 2023, 2 weeks before my due date. Another huge blow and something that I genuinely couldn’t comprehend. Being in Australia, my first baby imminent and my mum just gone was world shattering. I had very little support on the Gold Coast where we were living at the time. I struggled through that first year with a difficult (for want of a better word) baby and also navigating grief, however I loved being a mum and he was my little ray of sunshine, giving me so much purpose after a hugely tragic event for me. For a few reasons we actually decided to move to the UK in April 2024, my Dad was on his own and had a spare cottage for us to live in. He offered it to us rent and mortgage free and basically said if you want it, it’s yours. My partner strangely jumped at the chance, I had my doubts just wondering if we were doing the right thing but I wasn’t mad about getting the chance to go home and spend time with my Dad, extended family and my mates.
Cutting a long story short my partner absolutely hated it. He was ok for a month and then pretty much went downhill from there. On reflection he is never really happy anywhere but this time it was really bad. Bearing in mind when I moved I was around 20 weeks pregnant with our second baby (unplanned). So as I’m getting more pregnant, he’s getting more and more unhappy, naturally I leant on my Dad (who was living next door), I needed support with our toddler and he absolutely adored my Dad. Mainly because my partner would not give him the time of day, so naturally he gravitated towards Grandad who was just so present with him. So in October 2024 i gave birth to our second. A MUCH better birth, home water birth and just what I had wanted. Even then the birth of this beautiful little girl didn’t really change too much. He was stressed all the time, working loads (which he didn’t really need to) and just generally hating life (we’re in UK winter at this point too. So not ideal for a Gold Coaster) and of course with two very young kids he wasn’t able to do what he wanted to do, like go and play golf all day on a Saturday because I needed support. We decided to try and look for a place to buy in Cornwall thinking at least then he could surf. I was ready to up and leave everything with a new baby to get down there and buy a property we’d found, but unfortunately the survey came back and it was an absolute no. This was almost like the nail in the coffin. He couldn’t take anything anymore and I in my post partum haze decided the best bet would be to move back to Aus with Dad in tow. My partner jumped at the chance and when a business opportunity came his way he welcomed it with open arms. I felt like it was the right decision, but as we got nearer to the move date, I did start getting my doubts but I thought well surely it’s going to be better, surely he will be happier. He’ll be able to surf again, be in his home country etc etc.
Well…how wrong I was. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not underestimating the stress of a big move and taking over a business. However, there are levels. As a child he was diagnosed with ADHD, I believe he may also have a mild form of ASD. My sister-in-law has told me that his mum was suspicious of this and not only that my sister-in-law also agrees she has an eight-year-old with both ADHD and ASD and she says she can see many similarities in the way that they behave.
His moods are chronic. He gets in dark rage filled spirals that he cannot come out of. I want to note here that this has been the same throughout our relationship, but obviously now I have the kids to consider so it not only impacts me but them too. He uses deflection and projection says it’s me that’s in the wrong or doing things to make him angry. Says I’m not tidy enough not organised enough, etc. There’s ALWAYS something that I’m doing wrong or not good enough. He cannot calm down once he is in the rage. He has to physically leave the vicinity and even then it doesn’t always work. I feel that our kids are witnessing too much, they are so young and I worry about our toddler, he is extremely sensitive and my partner can also be very impatient with him. He has also started slamming doors recently which is a new one, and will yell and rant at me in front of them.
Another thing to note These rages don’t happen all the time but they seem to come in cycles, like a pattern of behaviour. Things will be ok for a while and then BOOM another rage cycle comes round and my whole world feels like it’s falling apart again. We have some huge decisions coming up including buying a property together (we are currently renting and have a lease till April - but it’s too expensive here to keep renting), but I am so worried about entering any kind of financial tie with him. Honestly recently I’ve just felt like running away, I regret leaving England where I felt so much more grounded and stable. I know my nervous system is responding to this constant unrest.
Something I should also add here is that he is a heavy drinker. He has had periods of abstinence but he always goes back to daily drinking, I’m taking 2-3 beers, 2 big glasses of wine, 1-2 whiskeys, this is everyday and then he blames his moods on his ADHD. He has recently sought help for the ADHD, mainly because things were getting so bad and has just started seeing a therapist because he is REALLY struggling with having two toddlers and keeping his moods in check. I obviously am happy he is doing this but I just feel like it’s not enough.
I believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive. But I’ve only realised this properly since being back in the UK. Not sure why, maybe because I had emotional support again and felt grounded for the first time in a long time.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for in regards to advice. Currently I’m wondering if we need to trial a separation just see how it feels. Maybe if anyone can relate to this, what did you do? What was the outcome if you decided to stay with your partner? Has anyone trialled a separation and it’s worked out for the best? Any advice from those with ADHD partners or partners that have chronic mood swings and addictive tendencies?
I’m exhausted. I love my kids so much and they are my absolute priority. Am I being too scared to just up and leave? Is it that easy?
Any advice much appreciated. Hopefully I’ve given enough context. Obviously I don’t think I’m perfect but I know that I am not the reason or a valid reason for his moods and behaviour, considering it has been like this our entire relationship.
Again thank you if you have made it this far. Mama at her wits end.