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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can someone explain why my ex is telling these stories to our child? I suspect he’s a narcissist.

17 replies

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 10:28

I have long since suspected my ex is a narc. I left him because he was volatile, he was mean and nasty and I’m pretty sure he used me. It was all ok as long as I behaved but anytime I went off plan I was punished.

Now he has moved on and has told his gf complete lies about me and the reason I left. He is now telling our shared child lies. For example my partner who I met 2 years after leaving he claimed I was seeing him before. He was planning on leaving me apparently even though he begged me to take him back. He signed up to dating websites 2 weeks after I left.
He has no guilt and no remorse for the things he did to me over the decade we were together. I now doubt any of the stories he told me and the reasons why I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him.

Does he believe the things he is saying because they are completely untrue. I can’t understand how someone could lie so blatantly and not be bothered and he sounds so believable that people believe him. I’ve recovered a lot, it’s been 6 year now since leaving but he’s still telling complete lies that make him look innocent. Does he know he’s lying?

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 28/12/2025 10:35

Narcs have to rewrite the narrative so they look "good" and can do no wrong. My best advice is to not give it a second thought.

You will never understand WHY they lie because your brain doesnt work that way. Dont look for logic.

My narc ex husband had over 50 affairs it turned out with men and women on swinging sites. He is now "with" the last woman affair partner. He spent a year begging for me to take him back and telling me she was "just some whore that does the dirty stuff he likes and hes never see her again if I agreed even to talk about getting back together"..

When he realised I wasn't buying it shes now the love of his life, He was desperately unhappy with me and yes he did technically cheat but what's a guy to do when he meets the love of his life in an unhappy marriage..

Its all nonsense! He cant bear to think badly of himself so the truth: i cheated on a good person who paid for everything and supported me in all my dreams hurts him to say so he changes the story.

They do believe it because their brain wont let them not.

Honestly I know its easy to say but laugh, deep breath and let it go. If your child or anyone asks just say "I have no recollection of the version Ex recalls" and move on. The best revenge is happiness.

YellowCherry · 28/12/2025 10:38

Honestly OP there's no point wondering "why?" as you can never begin to understand. Focus on being the consistent, loving parent who can be relied on to tell the truth in a calm and appropriate way. Act as if you couldn't care less what your ex says or thinks or does.

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 10:55

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 28/12/2025 10:35

Narcs have to rewrite the narrative so they look "good" and can do no wrong. My best advice is to not give it a second thought.

You will never understand WHY they lie because your brain doesnt work that way. Dont look for logic.

My narc ex husband had over 50 affairs it turned out with men and women on swinging sites. He is now "with" the last woman affair partner. He spent a year begging for me to take him back and telling me she was "just some whore that does the dirty stuff he likes and hes never see her again if I agreed even to talk about getting back together"..

When he realised I wasn't buying it shes now the love of his life, He was desperately unhappy with me and yes he did technically cheat but what's a guy to do when he meets the love of his life in an unhappy marriage..

Its all nonsense! He cant bear to think badly of himself so the truth: i cheated on a good person who paid for everything and supported me in all my dreams hurts him to say so he changes the story.

They do believe it because their brain wont let them not.

Honestly I know its easy to say but laugh, deep breath and let it go. If your child or anyone asks just say "I have no recollection of the version Ex recalls" and move on. The best revenge is happiness.

I have moved on and I’m happy. He has also moved on but his whole existence is simply lies. He has gone on to have more children and is apparently blissfully happy. I just cant wrap my head around how he can be happy with himself when he closes his eyes at night. He seems to be able to put it all in a drawer and start again washed clean. Unless this is part of a disorder.

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 28/12/2025 11:12

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 10:55

I have moved on and I’m happy. He has also moved on but his whole existence is simply lies. He has gone on to have more children and is apparently blissfully happy. I just cant wrap my head around how he can be happy with himself when he closes his eyes at night. He seems to be able to put it all in a drawer and start again washed clean. Unless this is part of a disorder.

Your mistake is trying to understand it!

There is no logic and they dont care its lies. Believe me I know its hard to do but you need to find a way to let it wash over you or you'll drive yourself mad.. which is what they want..

falalalalalalalallama · 28/12/2025 11:18

I get where you're coming from, Whydothis11, even if you know trying to understand it is a pointless exercise, the behaviour of a person like this is so extreme and often so ludicrous, it's hard not to wonder what on earth goes on in their heads.

I had the misfortune of having to deal with a narcissist a few years back. The way they switched from one set of lies to another set of lies that contradicted the first was mind boggling, especially as they were telling the same people these lies. Did they not care that people could see they were lying?

I asked a friend of mine who works in mental health and she said I was asking the wrong questions. That for me and you, the truth is important. For a narcissist, it's not really important to them whether what they're saying is true or not. That's way down their list of priorities. More important to them is that they feel they have a right to be believed - whether it's true or not is immaterial.

This chimes with my experience, it seemed clear they don't really care whether you actually believe them inside your head - what's more important to them is that you don't challenge them. They will take an attempt to get to the truth as a direct attack on their fragile ego, to be defended at all costs.

There's not a lot you can do without the that, their logic is so screwed.

The narcissist I knew cut acquaintances out of their life at the first hint of someone questioning them. Their partner, on the other hand, is a gaslit into going along with the lies. She stands to lose her home and livelihood if she so much as questions anything. Her head must be a mess :(

BillieWiper · 28/12/2025 11:19

I've heard this many times before. There's no point in dwelling on why he's behaving this way. He wants to paint you in a bad light in the hope that it will make him look like he's done nothing wrong.

People always see through those lies. He's just trying to use your children to manipulate you still. Don't let him have that power.

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 28/12/2025 11:24

'You can't fathom a cunt' should be a well known saying imo.
My exh damaged the dc beyond belief trying to show I was Evil.

Example being my newborn had a condition I caused because I was evil... So the dc were even scared to meet their db.. Reinforcing every day was only their half db but trying to get access to him via the court order in place for our own dc...
The day he died brought a physical weight lifting...

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 12:11

It’s just confusing to think that he wasn’t who I thought he was. He isn’t anyone at all as he’s just all made up of lies and stories.

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 28/12/2025 12:17

"Does he believe the things he is saying because they are completely untrue. I can’t understand how someone could lie so blatantly and not be bothered and he sounds so believable that people believe him."

This sums my mother up perfectly. She almost certainly has Narcissist Personality Disorder and I've been no contact with her for many years. I've never known my mother to apologise or take accountability for anything, It's invariably someonelse's fault.

She rewrites history to paint herself in the best possible light and always as the 'victim.'

She lies about me, my dad, her second and third husbands and her parents. She has no qualms about any of this and is very convincing in her story telling. Her lies reach my ears via various family members who are critical thinkers. Lies she tells about me no longer bother me, I just roll my eyes and shake my head. But lies she tells about my dad, (far from perfect but not the monster she paints him as); and my late grandparents, (lovely, kind, honest people), get my back up. More than once I've defended my dad and my grandparents by relating the truth often by disclosing unflattering information about my mother's actions which she, ofcourse, conveniently chose to leave out of her revised edition. In years to come, your child will probably be doing the same.

In addition, it's a very dangerous game your ex is playing badmouthing you to your child. My mother did the same thing to me from the age of 7 (she called my dad a "bastard" amongst other things) whereas my dad has never said a bad word to me about my mother, something I've always respected him for.

In my experience, there's not much you can do. If you challenge a narcissist with the truth, they'll deny it, fly into a narcissistic rage and call you every name under the sun. They'll then go on a proactive damage limitation exercise presenting themselves as the 'victim' by telling anyone who'll listen what an awful, cruel person you are. Some will fall for it, others won't.

Where your child is concerned, I'd handle it by looking bemused.
Child "Mum, dad said x, y and z"
You (puzzled expression): "Your dad said x, y and z? Really? Mmmm..."
Then change the subject.

JustWantsSomeSleep · 28/12/2025 12:19

Exact same position as you just different time scales. The trick is not to try making sense of it; and to be sure that one day the child will see him for who he really is and know the truth.

cantbearsed247 · 28/12/2025 12:34

Narcs live in lies because it's so much more comfortable for them than the truth. I had 25 years of experience with a covert one, thought I was going completely mad by the end. They can rewrite anything and then wholeheartedly believe it, completely delusional.

They will throw anyone under the bus and they will cut people out without a second thought - while also doing all they can to look like the good guy and the victim. They have no empathy, no remorse and no depth. People are just pawns to them and they are not capable of being authentic and they are not capable of love. You can't love someone else when you believe the world revolves around you.

It is a way of surviving trauma though, there is no genuine self esteem so they are completely unable to take accountability for anything because they don't have any self esteem to allow/enable it. Their lack of self esteem means they always feel like a victim. To compensate for this they develop a huge ego that needs constant feeding - and as long as you're providing supply you'll be kept around.

It becomes very difficult when he starts involving your child in his lies and delusions. If the lies don't impact you or your child I would just go along with it right now 'uhuh' 'oh right' - pick your battles. If the lies about you and makes you look to blame for things you're not them I would just say 'hmm I think daddy seems to remember it differently to mummy' and then change the subject. There is probably no point in bringing up the lies with your ex, if you want to say something it's probably better to say - could you not talk negatively about me with DS please and I will make sure I do you the same for you - that way he will feel he's getting something out of it too.

I actually think it really helps to have some understanding as you then can then have some idea of what to expect and why they behave like it.

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 13:05

cantbearsed247 · 28/12/2025 12:34

Narcs live in lies because it's so much more comfortable for them than the truth. I had 25 years of experience with a covert one, thought I was going completely mad by the end. They can rewrite anything and then wholeheartedly believe it, completely delusional.

They will throw anyone under the bus and they will cut people out without a second thought - while also doing all they can to look like the good guy and the victim. They have no empathy, no remorse and no depth. People are just pawns to them and they are not capable of being authentic and they are not capable of love. You can't love someone else when you believe the world revolves around you.

It is a way of surviving trauma though, there is no genuine self esteem so they are completely unable to take accountability for anything because they don't have any self esteem to allow/enable it. Their lack of self esteem means they always feel like a victim. To compensate for this they develop a huge ego that needs constant feeding - and as long as you're providing supply you'll be kept around.

It becomes very difficult when he starts involving your child in his lies and delusions. If the lies don't impact you or your child I would just go along with it right now 'uhuh' 'oh right' - pick your battles. If the lies about you and makes you look to blame for things you're not them I would just say 'hmm I think daddy seems to remember it differently to mummy' and then change the subject. There is probably no point in bringing up the lies with your ex, if you want to say something it's probably better to say - could you not talk negatively about me with DS please and I will make sure I do you the same for you - that way he will feel he's getting something out of it too.

I actually think it really helps to have some understanding as you then can then have some idea of what to expect and why they behave like it.

Edited

So he’s been doing this is whole life, throughout our whole relationship and now onwards? I thought he was doing it to
gain empathy, if he makes himself the victim then people feel sorry for him and want to
help him. That’s how I felt our relationship was all about until I got bored of feeling sorry for him because it was making me sick.

OP posts:
Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 13:09

@cantbearsed247 when you say no self esteem to admit fault what does that really mean. Does it mean that if he admits fault he will explode.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 28/12/2025 13:56

Yes he knows he's lying. He doesn't care. He is trying to turn your child against you, and everyone else. He's just a nasty bitter wanker. Don't waste your time and energy trying to analyse him, it won't change anything.

If your child asks you about any of the things he's said, just calmly say 'No, that's not true' and if your child asks why your ex lied you can just say 'I don't know, only dad knows why he's saying things that aren't true'.

CamillaMcCauley · 28/12/2025 14:23

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 13:09

@cantbearsed247 when you say no self esteem to admit fault what does that really mean. Does it mean that if he admits fault he will explode.

It’s not that he’ll explode, it’s more like he will collapse, or his internal view of himself will collapse. A narcissist’s self-image is a very shaky construction, mostly a facade of “greatness” that is propped up by lies and exaggerations and deflected blame.

If you or I do something wrong, we usually have no trouble taking responsibility for it as it is likely an honest mistake or accident or moment of poor thinking etc, made against a basis of typically good actions, intentions and understandings.

A narcissist needs to see themselves as completely perfect and blameless. But because a lot of aspects of their lives are not really what they seem (eg flashy lifestyle built on debt, financial manipulation disguised as generosity, hidden affairs, being out of their depth at work, tendency to gossip and backbite rather than be a good friend, leaving others to carry the bulk of parenting work while posting social media pics designed to make them look like an engaged parent etc etc), there are all sorts of areas where they secretly know they are not what they seem.

Admitting any fault can make the whole shaky structure feel at risk of collapsing as if they acknowledge that they’re not perfect in one way, they might have to admit there are an awful lot of other ways they are also not perfect, and then their whole grandiose self-image will come tumbling down.

Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 17:59

CamillaMcCauley · 28/12/2025 14:23

It’s not that he’ll explode, it’s more like he will collapse, or his internal view of himself will collapse. A narcissist’s self-image is a very shaky construction, mostly a facade of “greatness” that is propped up by lies and exaggerations and deflected blame.

If you or I do something wrong, we usually have no trouble taking responsibility for it as it is likely an honest mistake or accident or moment of poor thinking etc, made against a basis of typically good actions, intentions and understandings.

A narcissist needs to see themselves as completely perfect and blameless. But because a lot of aspects of their lives are not really what they seem (eg flashy lifestyle built on debt, financial manipulation disguised as generosity, hidden affairs, being out of their depth at work, tendency to gossip and backbite rather than be a good friend, leaving others to carry the bulk of parenting work while posting social media pics designed to make them look like an engaged parent etc etc), there are all sorts of areas where they secretly know they are not what they seem.

Admitting any fault can make the whole shaky structure feel at risk of collapsing as if they acknowledge that they’re not perfect in one way, they might have to admit there are an awful lot of other ways they are also not perfect, and then their whole grandiose self-image will come tumbling down.

So basically they need to create a life of illusion so that they can keep their delusions alive otherwise they’d be nothing and this is a trauma response. Nothing is perfect though and we all mess up and make mistakes. I teach that to my children, if you don’t make a mistake how will you learn anything. As long as it’s a mistake and you’ve not set out to hurt someone. My ex’s father was not a good man so this explains the trauma. So they have no internal positive voices at all? In their head they simply don’t make mistakes or hurt anyone ever? It feels very shut and cut, no grey.

OP posts:
Whydothis11 · 28/12/2025 18:16

Wondering around thinking you are gods gift must be an amazing buffer I have to say against the world. Others don’t matter as you are god.

OP posts:
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