We need couples therapy, but we can't afford it

[Littlebittiredoflife]

As the title says me and my long term partner are really struggling. Stems from very historic betrayal when we were both in early adulthood/late teens and more recent conflict. I thought we'd moved past the betrayal but recently it's come to the forefront again and I am feeling regrets about my decision to continue with the relationship at the time. However it is not that simple to ltb as we have built a life together over the last twenty years and have a family and commitments. We love each other and both have a willingness to make changes but we don't know how to start.

We think we need couples therapy but due to the cost of where we live we don't have money in the budget to be able to do that, plus with children we could only fit in online therapy and I have an aversion it video calls. However our dynamic is not currently working and we need to do something, it is not healthy for our children to hear our conflict and we would both like to feel happier. Would anyone have any suggestions, like books to read or worksheets to do that could help us work through our issues and strengthen our relationship? Any help much appreciated, I feel so low about it most of the time and I know my partner isn't happy either.

I don't know whether you are of any faith (or none) but maybe someone like a church minister might be able to help you, even if you are not a believer. They would be pleased to do so, and would be grateful for any small donation to church funds you could afford.

Relate offers free counselling through selected partners - have a look here: https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling/free-counselling-through-national-partnerships

Best of luck with it all.

https://www.relate.org.uk/
Relate have toolkits but I would urge you to pursue counselling too as it can do wonders.

https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling/free-counselling-through-national-partnerships
Do you work in any of these industries?

Some therapists offer discounts for those experiencing financial difficulties. Have a look at those in your area; it’s always worth asking the question.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

So sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties and wishing you the best of luck.

Hard to advise without knowing more details but you may (whilst not ideal) have to prioritise one of you. I'd suggest the betraying partner has more specialised therapy first. They might not be in a place to even benefit/healthily take part in couples therapy yet.

There are free groups and communities for betrayed partners for the mean time if you both can't afford therapy which would be ideal.

You could also look into alternating a session a month between you. Depending on the issues as some require workbooks alongside this could be a good option. It could also be incredibly slow progress depending on your individual needs.

What I would really say is finding the right therapist or group is really worth it. Don't be afraid to have free initial sessions with multiple therapists to find the right fit. I wouldn't also necessarily go on higher price or qualifications means better therapy either.

From personal experience it took going through 6 therapists to find the right fit.

If you feel able to giving more detail to the issues you're facing could be helpful so we can reccomend books and podcasts.

Also worth asking your employers if they offer free counselling sessions as part of the benefits package.

We don't come under these categories but thank you for sharing hope it helps someone and it is very useful to know.

I'm sorry it doesn't help you, but really hope you get the support you need.

We do attend church occasionally but I'm really not sure I would be comfortable sharing with them. Is it something you've have done before?

Thank you for the bacp link these seem more reasonable than relate. We aren't eligible for discounts income is ok but we ended up settling children in school in a very expensive area due to being very young and naive when we had them.

I'm pretty sure mine don't but will get my partner to check with his work, thank you.

I've had my own low cost counselling and NHS counselling in the past so maybe my partner could get some low cost or NHS counselling to begin with. Some good ideas to consider of how we can make it work somehow though.

So the betraying partner used to message women, kissed someone drunkenly and had sex with one once when we were in a long distance relationship, we were younger than 21- nothing physical has happened since as far as am aware, he did continue to message people probably for a year or so after but did stop.

Not something I've needed to do. When we married in church many years ago, they did have a short series of talks with the vicar for people who were getting married, and I have fond memories of those.

I am really thankful to all those who have responded with ideas of how to make therapy work for us. I wondered if anyone else might see this and have a workbook or book recommendation that we could try before we invest in therapy. We are both open to change and fully committed to staying together, would just like the relationship to feel healthier and happier.

My very good former therapist recommended a book called Getting the Love You Need: A Couples Guide by Harville Hendrix — available on Amazon. I’ve not read it, but her other recommendations were useful.

It sounds like the betrayal happened a long time ago.

Whats the root cause now? Are you suspicious of what he’s up to? Do you feel unsupported? A bit more detail would help.

Therapy does help but I would do it on my own personally.

The Gottmans have books that may help, look them up on you tube or tik tok, they're both marriage counsellors with many years experience and lots of their material is free. https://www.tiktok.com/@thegottmaninstitute?_r=1&_t=ZN-92eNPSfXKWh

There is also a great guy on tik tok

https://www.tiktok.com/@jimmyonrelationships?_r=1&_t=ZN-92eNEq2Es8U

who gives lots of practical advice on issues such as this (he's an ex betrayer who fixed his marriage and then began his channel passing on his advice).

There is loads of free online advice you could both benefit from. These are a good starting point.

The book a PP recommended is good. And setting aside time to work on the relationship is also vital. Can you get a babysitter so that once a week you go out (or even just in your car) and take that time? Look at the cost of a divorce or separating and see that spending on counselling is a saving in the long run- if you want to PM me I could give you some things to work through together and some exercises I used- and happy to give you some feedback and suggestions too. I am a former couple counsellor. Don’t have the time to do it now as I work in a different field but would hope to get back to it again as I do miss the work…

Weirdly he is very supportive and I am not at all suspicious. I just seem to be more aggravated by things he is doing that I don't want (for example if he washed up in the "wrong" order or if he overcooked some food or parents in a way I don't agree with or spends money on stuff I don't want him to) and it's triggering off old feelings if resentment and regret that I genuinely haven't felt in a long time and a need to feel in control of him. A couple of years ago he did something that, whilst his intention was to please me, he unknowingly crossed a boundary. He took full accountability and hasn't done so again but I do think this was the start of my regretful and resentful feelings towards him and our life together.

Is there any reason you suggested going alone? I have done personal counselling before and I can't see how it will help our current dynamic as we need to be on the same page so wondering if there is a reason for this.

Do you mean this one Getting the Love You Need: A Couples Guide by Harville Hendrix or one the Gottman books? Is it helpful when there's been infidelity and betrayal?

Getting a babysitter has always felt impossible. Not just the cost but being able to trust someone with our children and not worry about them judging the state of our house. We think we could get some time one weekend morning, either whilst our children are sleeping or whilst they watch TV. We could also do the same at night but I'm not sure that would be the best time of day for having heartfelt discussions.

Your offer of help is much appreciated, I think that might work for us as a start if you are sure.

DH and I attended a marriage course many years ago and found it helpful. Have a look and see if there's one near you:
https://www.themarriagecourse.org

Relate actually ask how much your household income is and then charge based on that. It put me right off- I am currently high earner, but need to save every penny and have no spare funds. I didnt like their approach of we'll charge you more because we think you can afford it.

Don’t know, gut feeling?

You’re getting aggravated by everyday things he is doing. Washing up the wrong way sounds a bit bizarre. I think I’d want to explore what is going on with me first if I felt like that. It might not actually be him but you getting triggered by some of the actions.

I’m having therapy for CPTSD and it turns out that lots of my random behaviour I have struggled with for years originates from my childhood. Dealing with it all now but people talking to me in a certain way or treating me a certain way affected me. It’s all to do with me and how I deal with them. Bit of an eye opener.

Surely you can see that it’s a matter of charging poorer people less?

I dont think its their place to decide. I am pregnant and preparing for life as a single mum, I wanted help to see if me and my partner could work through the pregnancy, but wanted to save every penny because I dont know what my situation will be in a few months time. It isnt for them just to look at my income and decide what I can afford.