Can he change

[SparklyGaze]

Finally plucked up the courage to speak to partner of 8 years and tell him I’ve realised I haven’t been happy for a while. He hasn’t been making any effort in any aspect of his life (me,work,family) and I’ve had enough.

We have previously had these conversations, though not as serious as this one was. Usually he brushes it off and says will try. This time was different, it really hit him and he got upset at the thought of me possibly leaving.

Currently asking for some space but he’s promising he will change. At the moment everything he does is irritating me and I don’t know if I can get back to how we were.

Do I give him a chance to change? What is a reasonable timeframe or am I just delaying the inevitable?

Lots of men say they will change when the threat of losing their partner becomes real. Some of them do change. If yours does have you considered how much forgiveness it would take to continue, knowing that he could have made an effort but chose not to?

You don’t have to “earn” your way out or give him multiple chances. He’s had chances every day and it sounds like he’s failed.

The answers to whether your husband / a person generally can change largely depend on age and time:

1. How old is your husband?

2. How long have the behaviours been present?

I assume the behaviours you want him to improve were not present when you met and in the first year or two of your marriage. **

** As you have been married less than 10 years, there is some hope.

But if the person is over 40 and the behaviours have been present for more than 10 years I would say no hope of change
...............

The younger you are (a person is) who is trying to achieve personal change, the more adaptable and flexible is the mind and personal psyche.

I think it depends why he hasn't been making any effort?

If he's depressed, tired due to a medical complaint or poor lifestyle, has an undiagnosed ND, is overwhelmed, suffering with an addiction of some kind etc then it's possible to get help and change things.

If he isn't making any effort because he's fundamentally a selfish person then there is no hope and you're delaying the inevitable.

I'd ask yourself currently what positive aspects he brings to your relationship. Are there reasons to fight for this? My husband and I share so many interests and have so much motivation to do stuff together, it allows us to argue angrily at times in the comfort of knowing that no one's going anywhere. Do you have a positive compatibility at the root of your relationship, or at least a shared sense of humour, even if he's behaving unacceptably now?
Also, how long has this actually been going on - his disengagement, being useless?

@RavenFinch 34, about 5 years.

@NuffSaidSam I think this is the main problem. There has been some problems don’t get me wrong, but not five years worth. I’ve realised I’ve continually made up excuses for him and let him get away with it.

@Brandyb I am struggling with this a lot at the moment. Now my eyes have been opened, I feel a lot of resentment and everything he does is irritating me. I am not sure if this will pass or if it’s actually the clarity in how I feel.

I don’t know if I’m considering giving him a chance to change because it feels like the right thing to do, or if it’s because I feel like I have to and I’m just delaying the pain for us both.

I’ve been in this situation and it’s fraught with problems.
After many years of arguments that were building in frequency and intensity and warning him that I was falling out of love I told him I had had enough. He knew I meant it and went all out to make changes but it was just too late! I didn’t feel the same way about him. I know I was unreasonable but I was also really upset that he was able to suddenly make changes but hadn’t done so all those years previously wasting so much time (he gave me the silent treatment when things didn’t go his way and never apologised or communicated).
It’s so sad when you see a good relationship falling apart.
If you give a timeframe it has to be one that shows he can do it long term.
What situation are you in?
Housing, children, pets, finances?

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Blokes don’t change, normally. If he has shown you who he is, believe him. Then decide what you will live with and work around make excuses for and what you won’t.

He’s had more than enough opportunity and time to make an effort and he’s failed on all counts. He is likely upset only because he can finally see his gravy train life with you coming to an end.

This is a how I feel. I feel anything he does now is a half hearted effort that won’t last. I’m also really struggling to try and be “normal” to give him a chance to “change”. There just always that niggle of am I do the right thing.

House with a joint mortgage and one dog.

@TheSandgroper For the first time ever I feel so validated by that article. Thank you ❤️

Sometimes you reach breaking point and nothing your partner does will make a difference.
After many years of the highs and lows our friend became very unwell and his wife became his carer for two years until he died and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that for him (I’m a very caring person and would help a stranger). It made me think long and hard about our relationship and how many times he had said he would change but just repeated his behaviour. I knew he just doesn’t have the capacity to change.
How many more years will you waste?

Do no waste any more of your precious time on him.

If they are saying they will change, then isn't it just them acknowledging that they KNOW their behaviour was wrong and they KNOW what would put it right - but they just haven't bothered to do it up to now? And if so, why not?

Yes, people can and do change. Sometimes by active choice, sometimes organically. Are you the same person you were at 20? I’m not.
That said, if you’ve had enough, you’ve had enough. If you have repeatedly asked for change and he’s failed to deliver it’s totally understandable that you’d want out.

He probably will change. For a while.

Then when he think's the relationship is all good again, he'll lapse.

Sounds like you've had enough regardless though, if everything he's doing is irritating you.

You get what you tolerate.

He's saying he'll change so you stick around. But it most likely will be very short lived and you'll be dealing with the same bullshit.