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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DDad is dying

21 replies

MHS222 · 27/12/2025 21:14

My strong, amazing dad is dying. He hasn't eaten for 14 days. Is on palliative care, the hospice nurses have been amazing. He is home, my mum is looking after him but she is worn out. It is his 90th birthday tomorrow. I love him, but I want him to go, for my mums sake. Is that bad?

OP posts:
Catlady02 · 27/12/2025 21:26

Sorry to read that. It’s definitely not bad to want him to go.

Theredjellybean · 27/12/2025 21:27

No it's not bad at all.
If you've said you're goodbyes and been able to tell him everything you need to say, it's really alright to wish it was over.
My DF lasted 11 days after lapsing into unconsciouness and all support being withdrawn...I was so tired of sitting holding his hand..it wasn't uncomfortable for him but so emotionally painful for me

HardworkSendHelp · 27/12/2025 21:28

No it is not bad. You love him and you don’t him to suffer or for your mum to suffer. It is a perfectly rational thought OP. Big hugs

inmintcondition · 27/12/2025 21:28

I don’t think so.

Assuming she is similar age, that must be very hard for her, although I’m sure she wouldn’t want it any other way right now.

Are you nearby? Are you able to help?

I’m sorry you are all going through this Flowers

PatsArrow · 27/12/2025 21:29

Im so sorry this is happening.

I lost my incredible DDad in 2017 followed by my mum in 2020. They both died at home and we only had scant hospice nurses.
I do not blame you for feeling this way. I remember feeling similar both times. Everything felt tense, anxious and ‘heavy’. Like everything is frozen. I felt like I just wanted some kind of relief for my dad, my mum and for me at the time. When he did finally pass away, it was a relief. The immediate knot in my stomach immediately left. However it was replaced with simple sadness and a feeling of unfairness (DDad wasn’t that old).

So no, I don’t think it’s at all bad you feel this way. It’s the weirdest and most stressful time ever. I really hope your DDad had a peaceful passing and you and your mum can support each and get some much deserved rest without worry.

All the best.

Placeoftides · 27/12/2025 21:31

Please don't feel bad. I've been where you are. Big hugs

Seawolves · 27/12/2025 21:31

No, it's not bad. When DH was dying I wanted him to go too, watching him, the changes in him, knowing he was never, ever going to get better was by far the hardest thing I have done. Wishing you all peace Flowers

Peachesandfizz · 27/12/2025 21:34

My dad died on Christmas Day. Which is also my birthday.

He had dementia and was put on end of life care. I initially felt relief he wasn't suffering anymore, but the numbness I'm experiencing now is something else. I expected to feel more relieved than I do. I just feel incredibly sad and lost.

Be kind to yourself, its perfectly normal not to want to see him suffer any more. X

Original poster
MHS222 · 27/12/2025 21:35

My mum is younger, 76 she has looked after him so well. The last few years he has had dementia and she has had no life at all. My brother is staying there and I go every day 1 1/2 hour drive . I'm a bit angry at my mum as she refuses to send him to the hospice. But she is so tired looking after him. I love him so much, but I want him to go. But she will be devastated. It's so hard :(

OP posts:
inmintcondition · 27/12/2025 21:35

Peachesandfizz · 27/12/2025 21:34

My dad died on Christmas Day. Which is also my birthday.

He had dementia and was put on end of life care. I initially felt relief he wasn't suffering anymore, but the numbness I'm experiencing now is something else. I expected to feel more relieved than I do. I just feel incredibly sad and lost.

Be kind to yourself, its perfectly normal not to want to see him suffer any more. X

I’m very sorry for your loss @Peachesandfizz

Chocolatebuttonanyone · 27/12/2025 21:37

This is something that no one speaks of, but PatsArrow has explained it well. It is a heaviness with an unknown end. Even when they are in the hospice, you don't know so much more.
It's a very very difficult time and you feel you should be there in case that is the last day... but its exhausting.

MikeRafone · 27/12/2025 21:38

You can ask for Marie curie help, the district nurses can be asked to help with arranging help with ver nught

so you have carers in helping during the day? More visits through the day can be arranged to help keep your father at home and assist your mum

luckylavender · 27/12/2025 21:41

MHS222 · 27/12/2025 21:14

My strong, amazing dad is dying. He hasn't eaten for 14 days. Is on palliative care, the hospice nurses have been amazing. He is home, my mum is looking after him but she is worn out. It is his 90th birthday tomorrow. I love him, but I want him to go, for my mums sake. Is that bad?

My deepest sympathies. My Dad lasted 15 days back in April on palliative care and without eating or drinking. He was 92. It was terrible. Thinking of you.

Original poster
MHS222 · 27/12/2025 21:42

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss . Even though he is 90 it doesn't make it easier,'he is still my daddyb

OP posts:
luckylavender · 27/12/2025 21:42

Peachesandfizz · 27/12/2025 21:34

My dad died on Christmas Day. Which is also my birthday.

He had dementia and was put on end of life care. I initially felt relief he wasn't suffering anymore, but the numbness I'm experiencing now is something else. I expected to feel more relieved than I do. I just feel incredibly sad and lost.

Be kind to yourself, its perfectly normal not to want to see him suffer any more. X

So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
MHS222 · 27/12/2025 21:46

Honestly the hospice team have been amazing. We nearly lost him a few years ago,?I wasn't ready . But now I want him to go, but then I feel bad ...

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 27/12/2025 21:51

Perfectly normal to feel like this OP. You are lucky, as is he, that you are able to be with him and this will give him comfort. Sorry you are going through this and sending you caring thoughts. Much love X

Sasha07 · 27/12/2025 21:55

Please try not to feel bad. It's not coming from a place of malice in you, it's coming from a place of compassion. Be kind to yourself, it's hard for everyone towards the end. It's such a frustrating, exhausting, mix of feelings.

It's completely normal to feel like you're ready to draw a line under the past few years. It's like a prolonged grieving but you can't start to heal until they're officially 'gone'. Until then, you're in a weird limbo where life seems to stand still.

Whenever you feel bad for hoping the end comes soon, just remind yourself that it's coming from a place of love.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/12/2025 22:01

No it's not bad. Tell him it's ok if he needs to go and you will always love him.

Aimtodobetter · 28/12/2025 05:05

Of course its not bad. End of life is often pretty atrocious unfortunately and you love him so its very reasonable to want to spare him that. You just have to remember that his last days do not define his life, the 80 or so well lived good years define his life and this is just a blip. Sending you my love.

TheSandgroper · 28/12/2025 06:50

My aunt died last week. It was a good idea that she finally succeeded at. I have spent Christmas feeling just not quite right in myself.

The feeling of relief is perfectly normal. Death can be terribly hard on those not dying.

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