Separation, he doesn't love me, I still love him

[Davinadivine]

So, husband of 20 odd years wants to separate. Aside from the last few months where he has just given up any pretence, our relationship has been good.
My heart is broken and I am filled with anxiety. I still love him and I don't want our marriage to end. He won't consider counselling he just wants out.

Does anyone have practical tips for how to get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And how to stop loving someone who doesn't love me

I’m very sorry to say this OP but I would assume his head has been turned by another woman. Generally men don’t leave comfortable lives to be on their own, they tend to have someone else lined up.

Probably better to rip the plaster off . Tell him to find somewhere and move out of better still , go asap and stay with a family member / friend until he gets somewhere .

I agree most likely another woman, which does not help the sick feeling but can help to see them for who they really are.
Do you have kids? If not, no contact as soon as you can.
Its really hard to have to co parent in a situation like this, but my advise would be the less contact the better.
Hope you are ok and have support around you.

Sorry to hear this. I agree that there’s often someone else. Even when they swear blind at the time there isn’t, you’ll likely find out in a while if he won’t admit it immediately.
Ask him to leave and get your finances in order. The persons he’s been recently is who he is now, sadly. Lean on any support around you and be kind to yourself. Time does help but it feels awful in the moment. It won’t always, it does get better.

Grief comes in stages, you are likely in denial right now which is why you still love the husband he was but the relationship you grieve doesn’t exist anymore and that denial will turn to anger as you process what’s happening and see him in a different light, try to separate the us and see him as the past and you the future.
One day at a time, you’ll get through this.

Yes.
So first of all, I would ignore the barrage of posts here offering "helpful" suggestions that there is someone else. There may well be but focusing on WHY is the least helpful thing in separation.
You goal is to arrive at acceptance that the relationship is over. Regardless of the reasons. You can't control it. You can't control another person. All you can do it control where YOU go from here.
Create distance. He has to move out. Today. Separating and living together is the worst. He needs to be gone so that you can start the "detox" process. And I would call it detox because your brain created patterns over the last 20 years which are deeply engrained. And it will take some time to unravel these patterns. Routines, rituals, shared jokes, morning hugs...these are chemical bonds. Your brain needs to learn that it can get dopamine hit elsewhere.
Go complete no contact. For an extended period of time. It took six months before I was able to talk to my ex. You need this time to heal. Take it.
Accept that nothing will happen quickly. Don't deny your emotions. You miss him? Normal. You want him back? Normal. You hate his guts? Also normal.

After a month or so you will likely start seeing him for who he is. And it may surprise you to find out that you were in a relationship with a fantasy version of him that had little to do with reality.

Separation is a wonderful opportunity to rediscover who you are. So take time to grief, then build a life that you want to build.

Seperate or divorce? So, first step is decide who is going to leave the home by 5 January

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

As for "how to stop loving someone who doesn't love me", I've finally reached the conclusion that romantic love should not be 100% unconditional. It HAS to be dependent on whether they love you or not.

But it's still taken me a long time to let go.

I really wish you all the best. Surround yourself with all the support you can get, and try to put zero unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Brilliant advice.

I'm so sorry 💐 there is no magic bullet to get over someone. You have to feel the uncomfortable and painful feelings and give it time. Allow yourself to be sad and grieve the end of your marriage. Seek counselling if you can, it can really help you to talk through your feelings and make sense of it all.

On a practical level, I would try and move forward with separation as soon as possible and limit contact with him as much as you can. You need the space to give yourself time to get over him. You also need to get some legal advice.

Try not to focus on why he is ending the relationship - a lot of people focus obsessively on this and it can stop you moving on. Focus on you and looking after yourself. Get support from friends and family.

Remember it won't always feel like this, the worst part. You will one day in the not too distant future be happy again. Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel - you will get there. Look after yourself lovely

I agree @Catza has the best advice.

Getting over Grief and heartbreak is a process. Much like having to go through puberty to get from child to adult. Acceptance is pretty much the only option.

However, you can use all sorts of ways to get you through the desperate minutes and hours. There’s distractions, grounding, getting good sleep, eating well etc, etc.

Buy books, look online for anything that can help you keep your emotions regulated when you have to. Give in and have a good sob/scream on occasions. Seek out situations that help you- be more or less social if you need to.

Think of yourself as recovering from an illness and treat yourself gently and generously. Remember that everything you feel will be normal - you are not behaving ‘wrong’. This will be a huge learning (and unwanted) learning curve for you. And one day, and one day it won’t hurt as much.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but if you have to go through it, it leaves you with immense empathy for others.

Take care

I think you just have to take control of your feelings. Men leave because they have met someone else, in most cases.
Be the strongest version of yourself and let him live with the consequences of leaving your relationship. He must feel the change and the distance.

We have teen kids, currently going through their own issues with various neuro divergent diagnosis.

I agree there is probably someone else. I have asked him to leave, he is making it difficult. Wants to stay under the guise of helping with the kids.
I have just started a new job and feel so mentally overloaded right now.

When you say he is making it difficult, please realise he probably has as much right as you to stay in the family home

My husband left me in March I continue to hang on to every hope of reconciliation.
He said he has no one else but he also lies like a small child to us all.
He doesn't want divorce and has blocked any form of contact with me.
I will always love this man, 32 years of a wonderful man and marriage.
I will wait.

He needs to leave the house. You deserve space to process your feelings. You can’t rush to a positive relationship on the other side of this. XH and I did go to counseling and that was the best lesson from it. You have to hate on another for a bit. Then you can grieve. Then you can become friends again.

The reason he wants things to end doesn’t really matter right now. Tell him if he wants to prioritize the children and be good coparents, he needs to leave. You need time and space.

Today starts new form of parenting with him in a 2nd location. He can still be a good father. This is the father he is going to be, one of has to learn how to parent his children in his new home.

I understand that completely. However, treating me terribly and slamming doors storming in and out of rooms because I am there and making the entire house tense and hostile is unhelpful at best. I am not trying to put him on the street. He is the one that wants out of this marriage but that currently consists of telling me how much he doesn't love me and probably never has.
The rejection is so needlessly harsh.

He wants out of the marriage so he can leave the house too. That's a terrible atmosphere he's creating for the kids.

My ex acted like this when he wanted us to split up - making out everything was my fault/telling me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t know he would ever do so again - this last at his mothers funeral who I had been really close to. When I discovered he’d been having an affair he denied it and made up some nonsense about her, seeming to think that I’d had him followed! Anyway he said he wanted to split but wanted to stay until after Christmas/New Year with me saying that if he was going to leave he should just go and he finally left the day before Valentines to inflict the most amount of hurt I later discovered! All of this when it was him not me having an affair and wanting out! I totally understand that sick feeling especially if it’s come out of the blue to you but once he has left you will gradually start to feel better and once you process it I promise you that sick feeling will start to fade and I’m sure over time you’ll realise you are better off without him. Sending love and positivity- the best thing to do is just take one day at a time and gradually the pain will fade