Ghosted by my best friend- and unsure what to do.. very sad

[Jessie0211]

My best friend of 15 years just suddenly stopped responding to me. We’re aged 33. There is absolutely nothing that happened between us to cause this. No fights, nothing. The only thing I can think of if that when my baby was 9 months old she wanted to go away and meet half way (4.5 hours for me) and as my baby was still waking every 2 hours I said no, then suggested I visit her 3 months later when things were a bit better.

The not responding happened before probably about 3 times- she lived abroad twice and didn’t cope with that, then it happened another time a few years ago too. She seemed to pull away from communicating at these times. All three times she’s eventually started talking to me again. I know she still considered me a close friend after these times as she’s still referred to me as a best friend etc. I know she’s had some mental health issues like anxiety. It’s been about 7 months since she’s properly talked to me and it’s still really hurting. Any messages I send go unanswered.

For reference, we grew up in the same home town and after time overseas, she moved interstate to live with her BF. He is very lovely but it seems after meeting him, her ‘need’ for close friendships really dropped off a lot.

I’ve tried multiple modes to contact her including sending a reassuring message that I was there for her, calling etc. I’ve backed off now as clearly she doesn’t want to talk to me. She sent a message for my birthday a few months ago but basically it was a ‘hope you’re well’ type message. I responded with thanks and asking if I had done something to upset her and that I hope she’s ok but no response again.

I’m unsure if I should contact her partner or family just to see if she’s ok but don’t want to be a crazy person, or if I should just let it go and accept that she doesn’t want anything to do with me? It sounds silly but I have never had this happen before with a friend and feel really sick about it- really anxious and down. I have an empty sick feeling in my stomach and feel flat (still after 7 months!). I always thought we’d be present for the special moments in each other’s lives like weddings etc- she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. My baby is now 20 months and it’s sad that he will grow up not knowing her well :(

I understand that many people would just move on and I’m trying to but it’s affected me so much. Lots of things I do daily involve memories around her so it seems hard to move forward. Should I bother reaching out again and if so what is best to say?

I do have other friends but she was really special to me as I thought I was to her. I’m so shocked this has happened for no apparent reason.

The fact you are struggling to move on shows how much you valued your friendship and how much you care for your friend . So , be proud of yourself of who you are and your big heart . Honestly , it sounds to me like she is jealous of you . I maybe wrong but it does sound like it . Even if you have said something that she may of not liked , to ghost you like she has is immature, unkind , and uncaring . She obvs doesn’t care about you as much as you do her . So move on , don’t try again . Good luck to her in finding another you . Find new friendships . I met my special friend of 23 yrs well into my adulthood . In time your feeling of loss will diminish and you will grow . It’s just life experiences ups and downs you will come across time and time again . Nothing shocks me anymore . But just keep being you and be proud of yourself.

“she moved interstate to live with her BF. He is very lovely but it seems after meeting him, her ‘need’ for close friendships really dropped off a lot.”

I think this answers some of your questions. I have a close relative, we were like sisters, me being the elder. DH and I emotionally and physically supported her in her darkest days.
4 years ago she married (later in life, no children). Since then emails are curt and we just get cards at birthdays and Christmas. That’s life, I’m afraid, it’s best just to move on.

If she’s dropped out of contact several times before when she was having a hard time, I’d accept that this is what she does periodically and that it was nothing to do with me, assume it was another one of those episodes, let her know I was thinking of her and that she didn’t need to reply to my texts, and continue with my life.

Hi op I think let it up to her now. Its hard. I had a 20+ yr friendship. She was unreliable though had a lot on personally. But sometimes it just fizzles out. Hurtful though

I think at this point you have to look at yourself and I say this as someone who would have felt exactly the same as you in the past.
Why as humans do we chase someone who repeatedly rejects us? You say you have other friends? It’s time to nurture those friendships. These are the friends that you want in your life. It may sound simple but it’s time to concentrate your efforts on people who like you, doing things you enjoy. Create new patterns and experiences.
We often want to hang on to long term friends because they link us to our pasts, and we can get very romantic about our younger years. I do. But you don’t need a friend to mark special times in your life. And you certainly don’t need to chase a friendship to cherish memories. They are yours now and for the rest of your life.
I know it’s hard but often these situations reflect how we feel about ourselves - a friend not contacting us dents our self esteem. If we hear from them, it’s like a hit of dopamine.
Give this friend a breather - she may return, she may not.
But next year, concentrate on building the friendships you already have, and you can even be brave and make some new ones. Your life is yours, it’s precious, it’s time to start valuing yourself as a friend who has so much to offer.
You don’t have to cut this friendship off, just hold at as a meaningful one but don’t chase it any more.

I have an old friend who drops out of communication then gets in touch as if nothing happened. She does have MH issues sometimes. So I just leave it and see if she gets back in touch. It is really odd and has hurt me in the past. I guess she’s just not a friend to be relied on.

I’m going through a similar thing.
I’ve known her for 45 years and she’s my oldest friend. We normally meet up several times a year but I’ve only seen her in March and then recently for an event as I’d bought tickets for it in May. We’ve been going to this event every year for the last 10 years and I always sort the tickets out. It’s the London International Horse show as we were both pony mad when we were young.
I asked her all the usual catch up questions, asking her about her son, husband, work, Christmas plans etc. She didn’t ask me a single thing. I deliberately didn’t volunteer anything to see if she would actually bother to ask me.
This year I decided to volunteer for Childline as a counsellor. I had to do 3 months of training and then pass assessments to qualify. It was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done and I’ve been volunteering since October. My friend didn’t ask me a single question about it despite knowing that I was doing the training in the summer. She doesn’t even know I passed assessments as she’s not bothered to ask. To some it may not be a big deal but she knew it was for me.
I was really upset after the Horse show and her lack of interest. I’ve decided not to chase her going forward and if she hasn’t bothered to make an effort then I’m going to tell her in May that I’m not going to the event anymore and will instead go with just my daughter. I’m curious to see if she’ll notice that I’m not reaching out. Sadly I don’t think she will.
Fortunately I do have some lovely friends but I will miss this friendship.