I need advice on how to handle situations.

[ThisBusyOtter]

I need genuine advice and recommendations on how to navigate conversations. This is gonna be a long post that I just have to get off my chest.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. It was both our first serious relationship The beginning was rough. There was a lot of insecurity and anxiety on his part that neither of us navigated well. He’s recently said to me “you’re not to blame but you did cause me to act like this” and “I acted like a monster because of all the hurt you caused”. My husbands anxiety was so bad in the beginning that he would check in to see who I spoke to and I was blamed for others actions towards me because I “attract” that behaviour. He would say that I don’t treat him like a man and that I’m not capable of that because of my childhood. The monitoring and constant questioning wore me down so much that I ended up quitting my job because if I didn’t answer my phone or message him back or get out 5 minutes later I was a bitch who didn’t love him or want to spend time with him. There were moments in our relationship that I received unwanted physical touch from one of his friends but he blamed me. I still can’t talk to him about it because he said I’m deflecting and not taking accountability. Over the years I’ve lost my sense of self and I’ve shut down a lot. I won’t talk to men in public I adopt a “seen not heard” vibe but I’m exhausted and feel so downtrodden. We’ll have a good day and he won’t realise that’s because I’ve censored myself so much. We have a son together and leaving is not an option. Amongst all of the issues we do have good times and I love him. I just want him to trust me and not have this weight on me. What can I do?

short answer: nothing. There is nothing you can do. His anxiety is his issue to address. It’s easy to say now but you should not have quit your job to be able to text him.

people like him are bottomless pits and all the reassurance in the world will never be enough.

his reluctance to talk about it now also makes him a shitty person tbh.

OP He is not a good man. He has blamed you for his bad behaviour right from the beginning and has trained you to put up and shut up. He sounds very controlling and is not a good role model for your son who will grow up thinking this is what relationships look like. Why can't you leave him? He sounds horrible.

After 10 years …. He is not going to change.

Unfortunately he is abusive and toxic…. Things will remain the same until you leave him.

The best thing you can do is organise your life so that you can leave.

He's not "anxious". He's a controlling bully.

I think I know this deep down but I’m so lost. I just don’t know what to do. I have no friends or family. He treats me well otherwise. I know marriage takes work. I just want us to be happy

He has controlled and manipulated you from day one. You know it’s not right and what you need to do. Please say you are working now?

You can't work at an abusive relationship, which is what this is. Sorry.

He is an unpleasant, controlling, manipulative individual. This won’t get better, only worse. I doubt you will, but you need to leave him if you want a happy life. You can’t change him. And he doesn’t want to/isn’t going to change himself. Seriously, leave now.

The beginning was rough.

That was when you should have broke up.

When I met my dh despite several difficult things going on in both our lives it was very easy and seeing him was "nice" "lovely" and very calm.

You can fix whay ue has got and from what youve written i dont think you should be together.

Leaving is absolutely an option - especially if you dont want to have a son who behaves like this.

Please consider calling womens aid just to talk and share how you are feeling.

Your husband is horribly abusive. It is such a terrible shame you stayed in this relationship, got married and had a baby instead of running a mile. I don’t quite understand why you say the beginning was rough. It sounds like it’s still awful. You say you have no family or friends. Was that always the case or is it because he has isolated you?

Staying in this relationship is horribly damaging for you and also for your child because your child will get a very warped perception of how relationships work. But your H sounds like a man who will use your shared child to hurt you and won’t care how many children that hurts your child so you will need to approach this with great care. Roughly how old is your child?

Our son is 1 and no I used to be really close with my family but we moved country. I’m not sure what to do. He a great father and so loving and supportive towards our son.

What country are you in?
Will you at any point come home? Is uk home?

His "anxiety' will negatively effect your child.

This isn’t a healthy or normal relationship.

This isn’t a healthy or normal life.

The older your son gets the more he will see and this will have a knock on effect as to how he views relationships and treats others.

There’s always a way out and there’s always a chance at a better life.

He sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. You need to leave 💐

His abusive behaviour isn't your fault

A great father doesn’t abuse and isolate their child’s mother. Are you able to start building a social life where you are? Will you go back to work when your child is older?

Your husband is an abuser. You have been gaslit to believe that this is “anxiety” but it’s not its abuse. There are loads of people with anxiety who don’t abuse others.

You have normalised his behaviour because you have put up with it for so long. Sometimes marriages do need work, but not like this. Working on issues in a relationship should be mutual, not one partner just learning to accept and deal with the abusive behaviour of the other partner. He may be a good father in some ways, but if you stay with him, hhis controlling attitude and his behaviour towards you will absolutely affect your child's ability to form good relationships.

No amount of reassurance will ever be enough for him. Your life will get more and more exhausting, more and more isolating. Only you can decide if this is the life you want.

Advice re having a conversation with him is pointless. He is not going to change because he is abusive.
Wake up and look at the evidence OP, he has got you exactly where he wants you, timid and frightened to have a voice because of the back lash.
You say you have moved country, how easy would it be for you to return home so you have the support of your family? That's what you need, support, and people who have your back! l take it they don't know how badly you are treated as you haven't told them the full story?

What country have you moved to, @ThisBusyOtter ?
If you are in the UK speak to Woman's Aid.

Sweetheart, he is a real abuser. He's isolated you, blamed you, beaten you down.

This is not treating you well. You are his possession.

This is what he is teaching his son.

Marriage does take work but on both sides not just yours.

Just as he should not control you, you cannot control him.

I just want us to be happy I'm afraid this is the cry of every abused woman who is powerless. I'm afraid that happiness is not an object you can cage and hold in your hand. It comes when both of you are free, and happen to match. You are not free. Happiness can't come to a home where there are invisible bars all around.

Only you can change things I'm afraid. The start of that is to honestly face your situation, which sounds difficult if you are abroad, and to start thinking practically and pragmatically.

I think also that you very badly need to consider just what example your son is growing up with - a dominant and abusive father and a caged mother.