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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Honest opinions needed in please!

6 replies

Mamabear2425 · 26/12/2025 22:35

New mum here and looking for some honest advice please. I am a FTM with a 5 month old and really struggling with my relationship since having our DD.

We have become more like roommates and understandably everything revolves around our baby now. We never cuddle and rarely kiss and he makes no advances, full disclosure we haven’t been intimate since the conception of our DD. He is an amazing dad and is very considerate to me and my needs but the spark has completely gone and have lost all confidence in myself. Is it selfish to still want some intimacy or even interest so soon after having our DD?

I have never felt so unconfident and unattractive, but feel guilty for feeling that as priority should be the baby. I am so happy to have started our family but feel completely disconnected from my partner and somewhat under appreciated. I honestly could cry writing this as all I’ve ever wanted is what I have right now, and DD is the best thing to have ever happened to me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts but just need some advice and I don’t really have anyone close to me that I can open up to about this.

Would so appreciate some honest advice, is my relationship doomed or am I being incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
Emonade · 26/12/2025 23:21

Do you get any time just the two of you? It does come back but he needs to at least be trying to give you some intimacy that isn't sex. Can you talk to him about it? It isn’t doomed but talk to him and make a plan, just the odd hand hold or cuddle. And I bet you’re doing amazing and look beautiful!

Endofyear · 26/12/2025 23:26

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Tell him and find out how he's feeling too. Having your first baby is such a massive change in your life and it takes a lot of adjusting. You're not selfish to want some intimacy and closeness in your relationship back and to want to feel loved and cared for. Start doing some little things for yourself again, buy some new clothes, try a new haircut or get your nails done, join an exercise class or gym or ladies running/walking group. Prioritise your wellbeing a bit more and you will start feeling more confident and like your old self. And talk to your husband about how you're feeling - communication is key to a lasting relationship.

Original poster
Mamabear2425 · 26/12/2025 23:37

Thankyou for your replies! Ultimately yes I need to speak to him, I just have this overwhelming feeling that the answer is he doesn’t find me attractive, I am carrying more weight and my body looks very different. I don’t have time to make an effort most days and previous to having DD it was really important to me to make an effort. Now I think about her first and don’t really think about myself which is of course how it should be!

I dont like the way my body looks so why would he? He has never been attracted to bigger figures so feel like he may think im being lazy in not trying to loose weight. He is very active and I at the minute am struggling to find motivation. A lot of our friends that have just had babies have gone right back to being super slim and constantly feel I’m not trying hard enough! How do you get the motivation when so much of my day revolves around little one! Just constantly feel guilty for either not prioritising my weight and appearance, or DD if I do spend time on me.

OP posts:
Emonade · 27/12/2025 20:18

Mamabear2425 · 26/12/2025 23:37

Thankyou for your replies! Ultimately yes I need to speak to him, I just have this overwhelming feeling that the answer is he doesn’t find me attractive, I am carrying more weight and my body looks very different. I don’t have time to make an effort most days and previous to having DD it was really important to me to make an effort. Now I think about her first and don’t really think about myself which is of course how it should be!

I dont like the way my body looks so why would he? He has never been attracted to bigger figures so feel like he may think im being lazy in not trying to loose weight. He is very active and I at the minute am struggling to find motivation. A lot of our friends that have just had babies have gone right back to being super slim and constantly feel I’m not trying hard enough! How do you get the motivation when so much of my day revolves around little one! Just constantly feel guilty for either not prioritising my weight and appearance, or DD if I do spend time on me.

You will get there with finding time for yourself but your body has just made a baby and you are still recovering. Can you talk to anyone in real life about this so they can talk to you after if the talk with him doesn’t go well? I have always been really slim but since baby (I didnt put any on during pregnancy but have loads since) and I do not like my body now but my partner is obsessed but we don’t have sex cos I don’t like my body but we are working towards getting back to it! My little boy is 18 months

Original poster
Mamabear2425 · 29/12/2025 21:56

Emonade · 27/12/2025 20:18

You will get there with finding time for yourself but your body has just made a baby and you are still recovering. Can you talk to anyone in real life about this so they can talk to you after if the talk with him doesn’t go well? I have always been really slim but since baby (I didnt put any on during pregnancy but have loads since) and I do not like my body now but my partner is obsessed but we don’t have sex cos I don’t like my body but we are working towards getting back to it! My little boy is 18 months

Show quote history

There are people I can speak to about it and maybe I should, but feel embarrassed to be quite honest. Thats lovely to hear your partner is obsessed with your new body - exactly how they should be! Mine on the other hand is far from it or if he is, is showing me no indication whatsoever. I have been thinking about asking him for a conversation about how I’m feeling, I need to really don’t I. He is not the easiest to talk to about these things and worry it will come across as nagging or being negative.

OP posts:
Elixir86 · 29/12/2025 23:20

Definitely try and have an open conversation about how you are feeling. Having kids is tough and the baby phase won't be the only bump. If you can start being open and sharing early it means you will get good at being able to work through the tough bits together and understand where each is at.
I'd like to think that he recognises you have just grown a human. It takes 9 months to do that, so give yourself the same to get your body back.
It took me about a year to get my body back, but 2 years to get my mind back and feel like I was more than just a mum.
Each phase a child goes through can throw you out of sync so do what you can to still make time for yourself, and your relationship.

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