To not get over a crush (after 10+ years?)

[FryingPam]

Is this really weird? I fell head over heels for a man I met through work in 2015. We were both single but there never was really a prospect because he was far out of my league. We got on well though, had a great working relationship and good chats during drinks out (with other people). We worked together on and off for four years (often without seeing each other for a year) and after a couple of years I started dating someone else. We lost contact in 2020 when I relocated and I even got married since, but still every now and then I dream of him and wake up with a warm and happy feeling…it’s not even that I’d like to be with him, he’s not relationship material and said once that he doesn’t ever plan to get married or have children because he likes his independence too much. Why am I still thinking of him? Will this ever go away?

Do you find the crush resurges everytime life is hard or boring? So he's like a what if happy fantasy? If your brain associates him with good feelings it's understandable it's become a bit of Pavlov's Dog reflex. I find I dream of whatever I'd been thinking of in the day.

Try some CBT

Every time you think of him, think of something negative about him.

Worked for me as eventually the negatives start to outweigh the positives and you start to get the ick.

Think about what he represents to you, what you associate with him in your mind. Being young? Having fun? Good work environment? Sense of possibility? Excitement? Feeling free? Feeling attractive and wanted?

All these are good things, but they have nothing to do with him as a person. They're all to do with you. I don't blame you for missing them!

Something in your mind doesn't want to look directly at whatever you're missing (too painful !), so it substitutes his figure.

I'd call it just interior life, something you can use to boost you along. If it's pleasure to have this, keep it in your head and to yourself. But if it's bothering you or spilling to the surface in a way that's not helpful you might have to find a way to let it go.

These are all good points. Yes, I think in a way he gives me a boost…he’s very conventionally attractive, does modelling on the side and there are some whispers in the office when he’s around. But he never came across as arrogant and always was very warm and kind to me and we got on well. I think I felt a boost that someone like him spends time with me.
This longing for him is always there, in good and bad times. Sometimes I’m very tempted to drop him a message on social media to ask how he is doing, but this probably would be a bad idea and not fair to my DH.

What you seem to have failed to consider is the outcome you want from this.

What if he replies to your contact? Seems interested? What then? In your ideal scenario how would this pan out?

Once you've worked that out, consider how you'd feel if your DH contacted a similar acquaintance.

Play the entire tape, so you message him and then think of the possible outcomes and consequences.

I know that messaging him definitely wouldn’t lead to anything romantic. I didn’t pursue anything back then when I was single because I knew that he wasn’t romantically interested in me. I’m pretty sure that he’d reply nicely along the lines of that it’s lovely to hear from me and that he had been thinking of out joint projects and hopes I’m doing well, and that be that. So no point really, I’m not going to do it.

You haven’t lived together or been in a relationship so you’re only seeing the good parts. As in, he’s good looking, kind etc. it’s very different living with someone and seeing their flaws (and we all have them, even the most good looking men)
I am happily married but have a similar crush. I try to remind myself that he’s not perfect, that no one is, and he’s literally a fantasy - fantasies have no flaws because that’s what makes them a fantasy!

Could it be limerence ? Look it up. Absolutely don’t message him under any circumstances regardless