Friend asked me to be bridesmaid and now hasn’t mentioned it since

[Milya]

One of my closest friends of 10+ years recently got engaged and mentioned immediately after the engagement that she couldn’t wait to have me as her BM.

The wedding is late 2026.

Ive offered to help and am very excited for her (we live far away eg she’s in Scotland I’m in wales). Since then, I’ve heard nothing and am a bit gutted!

obviously there’s nothing I can say and I don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position but I do feel disappointed that it was mentioned and that she’s said nothing since

Maybe she is waiting to get Xmas and new year out of the way and will then start her planning?

How recently?

When did she get engaged?

Ask her!
"Doing some forward planning for the year and wondering if you would still like me to be a bridesmaid at your 26 wedding, or if plans have changed since then. Either way let me know. Lots of love. X"

"Have you started wedding planning yet Sharon? Seen any nice bridal gowns? Who are your bridesmaids and have you chosen a colour scheme for them?"

If you're friends it shouldn't be that difficult to raise it in a round about way.

I don’t really know what you would be expected to do as a bridesmaid now when the wedding isn’t for a year. She’ll probably get in touch with you nearer the time to let you know about a dress she’s chosen for you (or ask you what dress you want to wear).

hmmm- this all sounds a bit intense and focussed on you. Any number of things could be happening….. as folk say, if it’s recent maybe she’s not ready to start planning? Or she’s focussed on Christmas? Or maybe the couple have had an argument or doubts and are wondering if they made a mistake? May be nothing to do with you.

or to do with you… maybe she is realising how costly bridesmaids are and slightly regretting if she suggested being a bridesmaid to lots of friends? Also bridesmaid is different from maid of honour… I wouldn’t expect a bridesmaid to be going on about planning a year in advance….

What are you expecting — some kind of formal ‘Be My Bridesmaid!’ card with confetti? She’s not being engaged as if it’s a FT job or anything. She’s presumably focused on Christmas like anyone else, and will be in touch in the NY with plans she might want your input on.

But you sound a bit insecure. Are you imagining she’s changed her mind because she hasn’t been sending you daily bulletins about dress fittings and hen parties?

Get in touch in the new year and ask her how wedding planning is going & whether she still wants you as a BM. Don't be offended if not.

Some unkind messages here

i can understand how you want confirmation. It’s a big commitment money and time wise.
Rather than send a text give her a call and say you are planning ahead and of she would still like you to be a bridesmaid you would
like yo help in any way you can and are looking to set aside dates for dress shopping and hen weekends etc.
shes likely to be just get her ducks in a row and texts can be taken the wrong way.

When did she get engaged and when did she ask you?

Has a wedding venue and date been confirmed yet?

People can get romantic notions about a big wedding with multiple people in the wedding party and then realise when they start planning how expensive it all is and may start to curtail some of their ideas. Or there could be one of many things going on that have nothing to do with you. I’d wait till into the new year, then just ask. There really is no
other way.

Just ask her about the wedding. All brides want to talk about that. You don't need to mention being bridesmaid. Let her lead on that. Just be excited for her.

It’s not necessarily any kind of commitment, financial or time-wise, certainly not at this stage, when the bride has given no sense of the scope of how she sees the role.

Last time I was a bridesmaid, I just showed up in the right dress on the day, did a spot of bouquet-holding and kept the bride’s estranged parents away from one another.

Wait until the new year and then ask if you need to book flights and time off work for bridesmaid duties.

I think it depends on how recently she got engaged op. A month? Fair enough she's probably wanting to enjoy being engaged, have a chance to talk about what they want for their wedding and scope out some options. If it's be 4/5 months then I think it's fair for you to give a call and check in.

How often do you usually speak and have you spoken since about other things?

Give her a minute! It depends on the bridesmaid role really, when i was bridesmaid all i did was hold 1 day for dress shopping and 1 day for the wedding - otherwise i wasnt needed, and allocated no budget or time to anything, so there really wasnt any need to have nuch info this far in advance. She'll be looking at;
Guest lists
Venues
Theming
Food/catering
Decor
Make up
Dress
Stationary
Booze
budgets
All the prep for her
All the prep for the groom
Christmas and new year
Honestly, I spoke to my bridesmaids about 6 mths before to go dress shopping and then deciding a date and organising a hen do. Other than that I was foxussed on all the other sh*t that comes with planning a wedding and a bridesmaid feeling left out 10 months before the wedding would not be on my list of things I'd have space for tbh.
If you're friends just be there for her, ask how planning is going, little things like "shout if it'd be handy for me to set up a bridesmaid WhatsApp group ready for dress and hen do planning" but just let her be and don't stress about it. Weddings cause so much drama with family, dresses, paying for stuff, leaving people in/out of bridal parties, speeches and table planning - the best action that genuine friends can take is to be supportive, calm and not take things personally/expect to be centre of attention or priorities.
Distract yourself with your own 2026 resolutions, planning and priorities and spend your time on those. I know that's really tough if you're a natural planner and organiser and need certainty, but it's her wedding and she'll be doing it her way, you'll need to go at her pace unfortunately.

She’s probably trying not to be a bridezilla

I can’t lie, this would annoy me if I was the bride!

At most, check in after NYE and ask her how she is. She might discuss the wedding, and if she does you could offer to help (but don’t be offended if she says no thanks, I’m fine at the moment).

If that’s the case, say you have to get leave in the work diary to guarantee it, so should you book any particular dates for hen / dress fitting and so on? If she still doesn’t bite then you’ll just have to back off and accept that this isn’t about you, it’s about her and she’ll ask when she’s ready. Or not….. in which case you’ll still need to play nice and suck it up.

Sorry if that seems mean, but as the bride she’ll have a million things to think about / people to appease and your needs will be somewhere towards the bottom of that list.