Messaging other women/escorts when drunk

[PotatoPotata]

I have been with my partner for well over 10 years. A few years into the relationship I caught him out messaging other women when drunk. He promised not to do it again and says it’s because he gets so out of it and that he’s sorry and would never do it when sober/follow through with it which I believe. He came off all social media as that was where the messaging took place. We moved on and went on to start a family / buy a home together in the following years and I honestly believed he wouldn’t do it again. Especially not to the mother of his children. He’s a great parent and partner in all other aspects so I thought he had moved on from that behaviour, however he still continued to get just as drunk when he would go out. I then more recently (around a year ago) found a number emails to escorts he was sending when drunk, which he somehow spoke his way out of saying he didn’t send them and someone must have set up an account in his name on an adult work website. I think I knew deep down this was bolllox but I just wanted to believe that he hasn’t followed through and that it wouldn’t happen again and so convinced myself it’s not worth blowing up my life and breaking up my family over. But it played on my mind a lot especially the fact that he hadn’t taken responsibility for it. Fast forward a year later and I’ve found a text he has sent whilst drunk to an escort asking to meet up the following day (which he was never going to be able to do as we had plans so I knew it wasn’t something he was following through with but it proved the emails before were legit and that he had the intention there when drunk. I confronted him and said I’m leaving him after Xmas (for the kids sake to have the Xmas we had planned). He then took responsibility for the other emails and cried etc saying he doesn’t know why he does it he just gets so off his head on drink and other things (which he does) he has promised to stop drinking as he said he would never even think about doing it sober. I love my life with my family and I don’t know how things would logistically work on my own with house prices and bills etc and I love my partner but I just don’t see things changing I can’t imagine him giving up drinking and I also think it’s caused a lot of damage as to how I view our relationship. Surly he should have enough respect for me to be able to have a drink and not behave like that. Do I give him a chance if he quits drinking or do I need to move on? Has anyone else been through anything similar.

The other thing is that cocaine?

Yes unfortunately.

That's not good ,if caught in possession the implications of that,the risk of heart attack especially if mixed with alcohol .

The messaging sex workers is not on as you'll never fully be able to trust him and if he was out coked up he may cross that line.
I can understand how hurt you are but the devestation that he's brought to the family door is all on him.

i’m so sorry. it’s time to leave

Being drunk isn’t an excuse he wants to do this

Just imagine a terrible emergency and you need to rescue your DCs, will he be to help out of it on coke and booze? He’s cheating your family life never mind the escorts and money he’s wasting

he just gets so off his head on drink and other things (which he does)....

He's an addict.

Addicted to cheating.

I'd say he's addicted to coke and alcohol.

I say this from experience ( working right now in my ED ) - he will not change. Also it's very likely he's a second life and second personality.

Leave. He's dangerous to your mh and for your kids.

You stuck around a guy who cheated when he wanted and blamed substance abuse and said sorry. He's still cheating, now has long term substance abuse problems which will soon be leading to health problems if he doesn't have them already.

Having kids does not help substance abuse. That's magical thinking.

He doesn't respect you, he thinks you'll roll over the same way you did before.

You had better get trained in something ASAP you can make a living at because you can't count on this guy being around. He's got multiple addictions and he's not willing to address them. His words don't mean jack. He needs rehab and counseling and sobriety. Do you really think he's going to do those things?

Make sure there are no drugs in the house. If you find some, he has to leave.

Health wise, get yourself regular STI testing and talk to your doc about getting on PREP for prevention if you stay with him.

He hasn’t changed his behaviour from way back before you had kids so why would he now? This is who he is.

Whilst he’s drinking to excess and using drugs, the behaviour won’t stop. He needs to stop the excessive drinking and the drugs. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

(coke & hookers) + (you x kids) = leave

He's not going to change. How many times are you going to forgive him and hope for change?

if you stay he will know for sure that you will put up with anything, especially as you stayed before. I think you have to leave. Hopefully that will give him the jolt he needs to do something about his issues, if he can see that you are serious x

If he goes sober because he wants to, you have every chance

You have given him too many chances already. You should have bailed out the first time he did it, before kids etc. He doesn’t sound much of a prize. Not sure what you are getting out of the relationship. He sounds like a bore, a drunken, feckless, duplicitous, lying bore. If this was your friend, what would you advise her to do?

Taking cocaine allows people to keep drinking, and be walking and talking (and texting) when they are completely out of it, ie long after they would have passed out drunk if 'only' drinking. So I do believe that it could be something that isnt reflective of how he feels, or how he feels about you and the family, when he's sober. However if he's at the point where having a drink makes more drinks, and then coke, seem like a good idea, then the only way he can stop, is not to drink at all. And it sounds like you're not convinced he believes that yet. So many people do this sort of thing over and over again because they kid themselves that they can just stop at one or two, and wont be tempted. But alcohol reduces your inhibitons, and for some people that includes the inhibitions that stop them from seeking out a dealer, or their mate who always has coke, whatever.
If he's genuinely serious about changing his life then it could be worth working on it, but it doesn't sound he is, I'm sorry.

He hasn’t changed his behaviour from way back before you had kids so why would he now? This is who he is.

This

This one’s got an excuse for everything. Cocaine using, escort texting partner isn’t really compatible with great father.

Time to accept that you’ve hitched your wagon to a compulsive liar whose priority is himself.

@PotatoPotata I couldn’t live with someone I don’t trust .
Id start planning and saving for the inevitable, however in the mean time tell him he must show you he means what he says . So no more drink and to seek counseling .
It’s best to stop the nights out and not out himself in these situations to start with .

Id say he has one last chance and mean it.

Having a drug addicted alcoholic for a parent is an adverse childhood experience, read up on how this will impact your child.

Consent cannot be purchased, this man views women as objects for him to use, worse, prostituted women.

Your child, your financial independence, and STDs tests must take priority. Look into one of you buying the other out of the house, or selling it, if you're on the deeds.

If he was sorry at any point he would have stopped drinking, not stopped social media. He didn't. Its his 'excuse', his get out of jail free card. I used to be in a relationship many years ago with someone with a serious alcohol problem and he would be messaging women, including friends of ours, while drunk and while he swore he would never/did never cheat, I don't know and I will never know. It was a monumental effort to get out of that because he never stopped drinking, never stopped the coke, and never stopped messaging other women - he never stopped manipulating me. I understand he was exactly the same with the woman he eventually married.

You deserve better. You can do better.

I stuck around in similar circumstances for years and it didn’t change and the usage became more and more frequent.
Its hard to leave & they’ll use every excuse in the book to get you to come around and give them another chance but trust me it’s not very likely it will (I say that because I know some people do beat it)
feel free to pm me if you need to chat.

Leave. Leave now. In fact kick HIM out. He’s a lying, deceitful, pathetic excuse of a “man”. You’ve already given him too many chances. Cut your loses before he damages the kids too

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Who taught you to be codependent; you are perhaps confusing love here for him with codependency. That and alcoholism go hand in hand.

And in answer to your question you need to move on and address in therapy for yourself exactly why you've put up with all this shit from him. So why have you put up with this from him at all?. Are you that desperate for male company?.

And other respondents are right; he has no respect for you whatsoever.