Ex-partner, our DD, and how much you talk about family/relationships?

[SarahAndQuack]

My ex and I split two years ago; our DD spends her time with us 50/50. On the whole it hasn't been hostile. During the split we wrote up a Cafcass agreement which included (at ex-P's stipulation, though I agreed) that we'd wait 6 months to introduce DD to any new partners.

Very early after the split it became obvious ex-P had a new partner; DD came home talking about her (FWIW, not that I think it's relevant, ex and I are both women). ex-P posted the odd bit on social media, but never actually told me anything about her new partner, presumably because they were together long before the six months she'd suggested. Very occasionally her partner will sit waiting in the car when ex-P picks up DD; the first time I went and said 'hi' and she said 'hi' back, but my ex didn't introduce us.

I've not dated anyone serious since we split (and no one DD knows about); last year a (gay male) friend of mine and I tried IVF together and I told ex-P at the point when it looked as if it might work; the friend is someone she and DD have both known for several years, but at the point when it was possible he'd be more in DD's life, I thought it was the right thing to let her know. Unfortunately that IVF didn't work and I decided to go it alone. I'm now 15 weeks pregnant; DD knows. I don't want to announce it until later (anomaly scan), but I haven't said anything to DD about telling or not telling her mother (I couldn't keep it secret from DD until 20 weeks; it's obvious now if you're looking, and she is 8 and fairly aware of babies).

Which brings us to: I found out from DD, about six weeks ago, that her auntie is expecting a baby due end of January; yesterday I picked her up from ex-P's house and she was full of excitement that the baby had been born. I asked a couple of questions and it does sound as if ex-SIL and baby are basically ok, but it must have been scary as the baby will be, if I understand right, about 4-5 weeks premature.

DD is going down for a visit and I want to send a car and small gift for SIL and her new baby. I wasn't close with ex-SIL - not for any particular reason; just we didn't see all that much of each other. But DD will be delighted with a new cousin, and I think babies are something to celebrate.

I'd love some perspective here. My instinctive feeling is that, in an ideal world, ex-P would have given me a heads up both on her new partner, even if belatedly, so it would feel out in the open; in an ideal world, she might have tipped me off that DD was expecting a new cousin. Or am I expecting too much ongoing family chat? I don't know if it's unfair of me to have expected her to talk about her sister's pregnancy when I've not formally announced mine yet, too.

TIA.

Yes, you're expecting too much and you're sharing too much yourself (shouldn't have mentioned the IVF until you were pregnant). If you were both sharing and open with stuff then great, fair enough, but it's clear that ex is keeping you out of the loop so you just reciprocate.

Obviously ex broke her own 6 month rule, which is a bit of a shit thing to do after imposing it on you, but there's no going back, and now she's set a precedent you've no need to stick to it either.

Thing is, I don't mind the idea of waiting 6 months; it seems sensible!

I told her about the IVF, not so much because of a possible pregnancy, but because there was an adult taking on a semi-parental role in DD's life and that seemed to me something she ought to get to know, in something like the way I'd want to know about a new partner of hers.

Urg it’s very messy isn’t it. Poor dd, lots of adults doing’their thing’ relationships, new babies….
did you run past ex you were getting pregnant with gay friend? What was plan there? Baby born with plan to have a life of 50/50 parent contact?

Is it unusually messy? I'm slightly surprised by that. I didn't realised that ex-P and I were supposed to remain celibate for the rest of our lives.

Just seen your edit. I told my ex at the point when I thought it was possible my friend would become an important adult in DD's life. The plan was for co-parenting, but more like 90-10 than 50-50.

Why the drama? Who said you had to be celibate for ever?

I don't think it's 'drama' either. Why do you think it's particularly messy for someone to start a new relationship, or have another baby, after one relationship breaks down?

Presumably, unless you really think parents whose relationship ends should remain celibate, you do have some sense of this, or you wouldn't have posted?

Im saying its messy because you’re complaining about your ex not telling you her sister was pregnant, and you should have been involved while simultaneously saying how you and a gay mate thought “hey let’s have a baby”.. but you’re not saying you ran that past ex?

No, you've misread that. I said I told her, in my OP. And then I said it again later on.

My point is that I've been pretty clear with my ex about the potential for there being significant changes in DD's life, even before they happened. My ex hasn't, and I am not sure whether that's just par for the course, or whether perhaps it's not ideal. Genuinely not sure - I don't know that many people negotiating a split, and it's useful to get perspective.

I think it's reasonable to hope your ex to tell you if she's in a new relationship at the point where she's going to be introduced to your daughter but she doesn't have to - that's her choice. I think it's unreasonable to expect her to tell you that her sister is expecting a baby - presumably she would know that your DD will tell you that she's going to have a new cousin?

It's totally your choice whether you tell ex partner that you're also expecting but it's likely that DD will tell her anyway.

Thank you, that makes good sense. I genuinely wasn't sure about the bit with her sister, but sounds as if I needn't worry about it.

I think DD probably will tell her (if she hasn't already), and that's fine - I'm just not keen to do it myself until the anomaly scan, because it feels a bit like tempting fate to announce too soon.

I think you're expecting too much, with regards to your ex-SIL's pregnancy/newborn. You are no longer part of your ex partner's wider family, and there's no real reason for you to need to know family information.

I do agree that your ex partner, if she's introduced her new partner to your daughter, must be confident in the relationship. If that's the case, then why not mention the new relationship to you. However, it does sound as if your ex doesn't want you to know information regarding her family and personal life - she's not obliged to share that with you, and you are going to have to respect her choice.

With regards to you telling your ex about the baby you were planning with your gay friend - you weren't pregnant, you didn't need to tell your ex anything.

Now you are pregnant, and no you can't hide that fact away, so it will become glaringly obvious to your ex at hand-over time of your daughter! There's no real reason to tell her you're pregnant, your bump will give it away! If she asks, by all means confirm it but if she doesn't say a word, you're not obliged to give her any information.

That's helpful about my ex-SIL. To be clear: I don't mind either way; I just didn't have a sense of what was normal and what wasn't. I felt a bit blindsided by DD happily chuntering on about this new baby, when I was immediately aware that (presumably?) it's 4-5 weeks premature so this won't be the happiest Christmas ever. But I have just said to DD that it's really exciting and not got into any of that.

I wasn't telling my ex about the situation with my friend so much because of pregnancy, but because it was a potential new adult in DD's life. If it'd been an established relationship with another woman and we'd been doing IVF, I wouldn't have talked about the IVF, because I would have already said 'here's Lisa, my new partner' at some point earlier on (if that makes sense?).

I hadn't thought of just not telling her at all! I think I will probably put something on social media at some point. I don't think it shows yet.