Bored wife of 24 years

[HowlingCassandra]

Been married 24 years and so bored. My husband is a nice enough bloke, but once he’s home, he literally puts his feet up and does nothing around the house. He works hard and pays the bills etc and I’ve tried talking to him about it several times. all he talks about is his work and his friends at work. Sex is boring and I’m guilted into it. At our age, he takes Viagra and I’m never asked if I want sex- he just takes the pill and 20 mins later, has an erection and then I feel like I need to deal with. I feel trapped in a boring marriage- not bad enough to leave and hurt the kids, but not fulfilling. Not really looking for advice as I won’t leave him, but just needed somewhere to vent off steam.

Have you told him how you feel? How old are the kids?

Get him OMGYES for Christmas and tell him until he makes an effort for sex to be mutually enjoyable you won’t be dealing with those errections.

stop doing housework for him. That’s if you work? I’m assuming you don’t have small children. If lazy older kids are part of the problem then stop doing their housework too!

He's not a nice bloke. He either doesn't care about you or he's incompetent.

Sounds awful. A boring, lazy, selfish man. If that's how you want to spend your life though then crack on 🤷‍♀️

More likely to hurt your kids staying in this sham marriage

Create your own life and interests outside of the home. Do you have friends and hobbies, also do you work and if so is it fulfilling? How old are your children and what's their relationship like with him?
If you want to work on the relationship tell him so and say things need to change. Re sex, talk about it, you don't have to be guilted into it, it's your choice too! You say you won't leave him but you need to be proactive about making changes or things will just stay as they are and you will continue to be bored.

Don’t blame you I would want out too.

Will you post the same issue on MN on Christmas Day 2026?

@ToKittyornottoKittyyes, several times. I’ve suggested marriage counselling but he is adamant that he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t trust them and says that all they want is money and don’t actually do anything.

Its him that is doing nothing not marriage guidance!.

Good luck OP Merry Christmas

This does sound awful. Do you have a countdown until you leave? Are you getting your ducks in a row? Could you suggest an open relationship?

To be honest, this sounds like no way to live - why waste the rest of your years bored and servicing a man on demand who doesn't seem to give a shit about you?

I get why it's hard to leave - you talk about "at your age" (how old are you approx, 50?) and not wanting to leave for the kids, but how old are the kids? Are they just an excuse because it feels hard?

Imagine this time next year or two years time being free, vs still in this situation in 10 years... he has no motivation to improve as he's getting everything he wants.

How old are you? How old are the kids?

That sounds soul destroying. How devastated would the kids really be? It doesn’t sound like he plays a major role in their lives either. He’s one of those men who thinks his only job is to serve himself. Don’t waste another year on him. Even if you have another 40 years left, he doesn’t deserve any more of yours.

@Only2daystogo I’m almost 49, and the kids are 21 and 19. He’s a good dad to them and from the outside we are a tight unit. I’m just dissatisfied and having a Shirley Valentine.

Your children are adults. You aren’t staying with your husband for your children.

Um...you realise you don't have to service him right? Next time he waves an erection at you just say that's nice dear and go back to whatever you were doing. If you're not going to leave you can at least stop sleeping with him.

Staying for the kids isn't necessary when they're 21 and 19!

Get some therapy for yourself and figure out why you're so willing to waste your life like this.

Your kids are adults and quite old enough to understand. Why sit dissatisfied with life? Make a change. Either change your life with him or change it to have a life without him.

If he isn’t interested in making a change for both of you and just expects you to skivvy and sex servant for him then I’d suggest the latter was the likeliest route to a much happier life.

I appreciate everyone telling me to leave. And honestly I have thought about it. I know I get mugged off. I am the housekeeper and keep the place going. I know I am under appreciated. He’s not a bad person- nice people can be very thoughtless too. How do people leave a husband who claims that they love you, are not abusive, are not having an affair, I haven’t got anyone else. But he is very needy and I want more than this I think. I was young when I married him. It was all exciting, but it’s so stale now. The Christmas presents I got this year were exactly the same as I got last year- anything different was something that I specifically asked for (ie, texted an online shop link). I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but there’s no thought of a surprise or spontaneity. If I leave, I don’t know where to start. Where do I go? I have a dog who is dependent on me. My kids are mainly at uni. I have a job which is quite demanding. How do people leave? What are the practical steps they take? How do they take pets into account?? I moved into the spare room, mainly because I couldn’t take the snoring anymore. But he’s taken no steps to encourage me back- won’t even try any nose strips or anything. But I will still go upstairs early on Saturday mornings for the sex. I don’t think I’ll do that anymore. But I don’t want to have that conversation whilst the kids are still in the house. I honestly, don’t know why I’m writing all this- it’s because if I didn’t I would burst. I know what the responses will be before I post this. I’m so tired. And so confused.

You’re a long time dead and why on earth are you servicing him because you think it’s your duty? Honestly it made me feel a little queasy reading that.

@HowlingCassandra perhaps you need to at least up the anti if he isn’t taking you asking about marriage counselling seriously and you don’t want to leave?

Stop automatically going upstairs, make him work for things, are your boys still living at home? Could you do a complete reset so encourage everyone to chip in with cooking and bits? Take up things that you enjoy…. Just make yourself less available all round?

Dogs make good supports when it seems you have no one. Its easier these days to get rented accommodation with a pet than it used to be. Dog owners who work all day pay dog walkers to visit them or work from home where possible. View your dog as a support, not a problem. Theres always a way.

Start by seeing a solicitor

Book the marriage counsellor. Say ‘we need to attend marriage counselling. I have booked it with X at 7:30 on Tuesday. I will be attending as our marriage is in trouble. I would like you to attend to but of course it is up to you. I’m will be there regardless’.

Then see what happens. You will then know you tried.

Gottman counselling.
You can read Gottmans books - ‘seven principles of making marriage work’ is worth reading straight away.

"How do people leave?" They take one step at a time. They think about where they can live, how they can move, they book a lawyer just to talk through, they start to think about options, etc. Little by little, they make plans. It's not something that happens at once.

Try a better llife
Book an airbnb and moveout for a month with dog
See how it feels