Help needed leaving complicated mess (depressed/ low self esteem)

[LanesEnd]

I have nc for this.

I’ve got myself into a situation due to depression, vulnerability and low self esteem that I know deep down is not right for me. I don’t want to hurt the person but know for my own wellbeing I need to distance myself. I feel smothered and worn out by trying to manage their constant expectations I will spend time with them.

There are several complications

• they are supporting me financially
• they are helping me practically as an advocate (several ongoing matters with various agencies where they are acting for me)
• i am sleeping with them
• I like the person as a friend but not as a partner

what can I say / how can I phrase it to step away? Please be gentle with me A it may be obvious to you what I need to say but it’s not obvious to me. I have a lot of complex history and trauma, coupled with low self esteem and am scared of saying the wrong thing or upsetting them.

Tbh, I think you need to share more specific details before anyone is able to express an opinion

I’m nervous of outing myself, what additional details would help?

Is the person and friend or in a professional roll op

Sounds like a difficult situation, OP.

For how long have you been in some kind of relationship with this person?

Would you be able to support yourself financially if you tried?

Well ok, stop sleeping this person first

• “i am sleeping with them
• I like the person as a friend but not as a partner

Why on earth are you sleeping with someone you regard as “a friend but not a partner”? OP, considering all that they do for you, I don’t think they are unreasonable in their “expectations I will spend time with them.”. I think you need to decide what it is you want - it can’t be all give on their side and all take on yours.

You're having sex with this person and in return, they are financially supporting you and acting as your advocate (do you mean lawyer) with certain official agencies.

Stop having sex with them. But that will turn off the money and advocacy or legal work. You can't expect that to continue when it's been a play for pay relationship. Of course they have expectations, they fund your life and are doing some kind of work on your behalf in exchange for sex. They're not doing that for free.

Does sound like a transactional relationship. I think you should stop sleeping with this person immediately. My guess is their support for you revolves around getting their needs met from you sexually so be prepared to have to find another advocate if they can't be professional enough to continue regardless.

Ahhhh fuck 'em.
Not literally!

Previous posts nail it OP.
There's no such thing as a free lunch... 😉🫤

If they’re advocating for you, they must know you’re not in a great place. I’d be honest and say that. You’re grateful for all their help but you’re not in the right place for a relationship. If they walk away completely you’ll know their support wasn’t based on genuine friendship but transactional.

You need to support yourself financially and stop sleeping with them for a start.

I’m definitely not in the right place for a relationship- I’m a mess.

However sleeping with them is not a relationship, and comments such as “no such thing as a free lunch/ transactional relationship” etc etc seem to suggest it’s fair enough to sleep with this person in exchange for advocacy or financial support?

Even though it makes my skin crawl. I just want a friendship- if they are still happy to advocate for me great, if not - well not so great but I’ll have to cope.

I know I need to support myself and stop being reliant on the financial support… but as I said in the Op it’s a complicated v messy situation.

Why is it complicated, can you elaborate?

It sounds like the person cares for you hence the advocating and financial input. They are doing these things because they believe they are in a relationship with you. That’s not wrong on their behalf, many people put themselves out for those they care about, so yes if you reject this person romantically it’s fair to assume the aid will end.

I would say you can't continue with the pressure of a sexual relationship as at present you just need friendship. Be clear you would still appreciate them advocating for you if they are willng, then try to do without the financial support if you can as that will make you feel more independent. Hopefully they will understand.

Dear X, I am feeling overwhelmed and not in control of my life. I am grateful for all of your help and support. I have started counselling (you could look at https://hope.bigmoosecharity.co/registration/new-patient. which is free.) and I feel it is very important for me to separate my physical and emotional needs at the moment. Your financial and advocacy support are essential to me right now and I hope this will put me on a path where I can become self sufficient and be able to stand on my own two feet. I do not feel that being in a physical relationship with you is right for me and I trust that you will respect and understand this boundary.