Fallen out with MIL

[Robinroundrobin]

Feeling really down about it. We're really not getting on and keep on having disagreements that my husband then feels in the middle of. Don't really want to go into the whole why, what, when but really, how do you navigate a strong relationship with your partner alongside very rocky waters with the in in-laws? And yes, especially crap because it's Christmas.

It’s really impossible to say without knowing what you’ve fallen out about.

I don't really want to put anything too specific online so maybe wasn't worth a post, just feeling really alone with it all. Predominantly to do with my children/ her grandchildren and differing opinions on boundaries.

It’s worth a post even if you just want to vent - some mothers in law simply don’t want to like you and that’s fine.
you just be you, be pleasant but know you’ll never be enough for her but, her son loves you and leave it at that.

You are the children’s mum, what you say goes and either you say no I don’t want that for my children or you let your children accept that what goes on with Grandma isn’t what you’d agree too but you respect Grandma enough to just let it go.
pick your battles is my advice and I speak from experience.

I think you need to take a step back and ask why you keep engaging in arguments, even if they start them. For in-laws, the default answer to offense should usually be "fair enough" or "have you asked DH" and redirect to your OH. Even if they say "you're very fat, and I don't like your chin hairs", it's easiest to say "I think we should take a break from this conversation, don't you DH".

You're arguing with them undeniably puts your DH in a rough spot. If you truly hate them and find them detrimental to healthy boundaries and a happy life, bring it up with your DH privately and decide the course of action together.

Thanks, think a safe vent is what was required. I just feel like we got on until grandchildren came along and now it's become all the classic, stereotypical MIL issues I didn't expect to have. Now feel like I've ruined Christmas for everyone and it's just a bit shit.

You haven’t ruined Christmas !! Just start afresh tomorrow be perky and enjoy the day with your children

Agreed! And make your DH the boundary enforcer. She'll know it's coming from you anyway, but they get less ratty with their precious sons!

Thanks all for the advice and kindness. Fingers crossed everything thaws out a bit tomorrow. But you're right. Will just focus on the children having a good day and leave husband to navigate things with his mum. Luckily he's on the same page as me when it comes to the children so it's not that he disagrees, just don't think he's used to the tension and upset either really and doesn't know how to manage it.

You have not ruined Christmas at all.

Venting is all well and good but you both need to apply firm and consistently applied boundaries when it comes to his mother. What is and is not acceptable to you?.

Your husband’s inertia when it cones to his mother hurts him as well as you. Is he a mouse when it cones to her?. Does he say things like , “well you know what she is like” etc. I’d be handing him a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Do not have her in your home next Christmas if she cannot behave civilly towards you. It does your dc no favours for they to see you as their parents being so disrespected.

Exactly this. The whole that's just who she is and she isn't capable of change.

All you can do is change how you react to her. If she kicks off your Dh should get her coat and take her back home.

Both of you need to put on a united front. You mention his mother, is his father still around?.

He has to realise his inertia when it comes to hid
mother hurts him as well as you. He cannot just sit back and use you as some sort of buffer between he and his mother. He seems far more afraid of upsetting her than he is of upsetting you as his wife.

Op just ' gray rock' and smile, honestly you'll feel so much better, cut the power, and let your h deal with her, pick your battles op, you can have conversations with h afterwards but he needs to support you and step up,
Save your energy for your children,

Have a lovely day op

Just let her have her opinion. Unless she lives with you it won't matter in the long run.