How to deal with psycho ex? Pls help - at end of tether

[DamnHisEyes]

Friend of mine is currently in an absolute black hole. She married a colleague who turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. Thank god after a while he had an affair and swanned off with another woman. You'd think he'd leave her alone after this. Unfortunately he won't let go - is still at work and has sent abusive messages to her, threatened to kill her, has paid nothing for their child, is using court to harass her further (making up crazy allegations like she is starving their child, sleeping around etc, demanding access just so he can fill his daughter's head with rubbish allegations eg 'mommy used to hit me' despite fact that she remembers seeing him hit her mother).

She hates having to have anything to do with him, and he just lies and lies in court despite the fact that he knows documentary evidence exists to prove otherwise. The court has already seen some of this but he doesn't seem to care and continues lying. Takes huge amount of effort to have to keep defending herself, find the documentation to prove he's lying etc - not afraid of court not believing her but it's just completely draining emotionally, psychologically not to mention monetarily.

How do you deal with a shit like this?

Please please advise if anyone's been in a similar situation?

So sorry your friend has to deal with this. How often is he seeing the dd? Has your friend ever registered the abuse/hitting with her GP, etc?

Alert the police? Restraining order?

Sorry, not familiar with this but I'm sure some more MN will be along soon.

Yes she has - police, social services, GP all aware of situation. Restraining order was ruled out earlier because it cost too much in legal fees. She's working at moment but all money being spent on legal fees and just keeping the two of them going. He contributes nothing to daughter's upbringing. And she's still in nursery so fees are big cost.

Residency for DD sorted, but he is using the case about who has the house, and who pays what as an excuse to verbally abuse her in court. She offered to settle - much more generously than she needed to - on the house and he not only turned it down at the hearing but made so many abusive allegations the judge warned several times he would halt proceedings if he didn't stop.

Partly at moment she is in a black hole because of his recent shenanigans - abusing her parents who facilitate contact days when he picks up and drops off DD - but partly also she is despairing because her legal fees are mounting. Can't get legal aid because she is only just earning over the threshold needed.

What an awful situation. Is there any way she could get an ASBO? Or are they not permissible in domestic cases? Because if he is given an ASBO and breaches it, it's off to the nick with him.

He doesn't realy sound stable enough to have the children on contact days, if you don't mind me saying so, especially not if he is abusing your friend's parents whilst they are facilitating contact. Under these circumstances, can contact not be breached? (I'm not trying to be mean, it just seems unreasonable that they have to tolerate this. He sounds scary). Or else, isn't there some mediating service where you can hand over DC's for contact? Can't remember which service does this, sorry.

Hm, I think priority number one is to keep him away from the dd. He sounds like a headcase and I think it's extremely detrimental to the emotional and physical well-being of such a young child to be exposed to such a person/behaviour. Good God, your friend wouldn't know what he does to her when he's alone with the baby.

I think contact should be severed and your friend should hammer the social services, police, GP, etc. How can they continue to let this go on??? What else needs to happen for the authorities to wake up to the viciousness of this man?

Can your friend not get legal aid? Or ask her parents for £££. IMO, her and dd's security are priceless and the loss of a few thousand quid would be worth every penny as long as it keeps the psycho away.

Other option: does anyone in her company know what's going on? Do the bosses not care? Is it acceptable for a young woman to get beaten and battered and a child being scared? I'd be marching to personnel and tell your bosses. Even if it's something that goes on in private, it surely does affect her work life.

Makes you want to ask a few boys to teach him a lesson... [retreats into shadows and peers into little black book]

Can your friend not ask for supervised contact? He doesn't sound like he should be left alone with anyone, let alone a child. Then he would see kids at a contact centre and no one - your friend or parents or friends - need be there for hand overs.

at Alexa's hired thugs! Sometimes people are enough to make you seriously consider it, especially when there appears to be no justice for the real victims.

Agree Barnstaple, that's what I meant, but you said it like it made sense lol.

Think she had to agree the contact as part of some agreement re residency - apparently can't stop him having access to child and she IS going to ask for mediated contact after this because he has abused everyone who has tried to facilitate the handover - friends, family. To point where none of her friends want to do it. Is difficult re family as well. She doesn't want to tell her parents or siblings because they haven't known how bad things were. Also they always thought he was a loser and didn't want her to marry him. But her mom also quite frail health so she doesn't want her to worry.

The company was told in past but think they had a dickhead of a HR idiot who told her it was 'out of the workplace and so not their problem'. Despite fact that her colleagues were mentioning worries about her state of health to them too. I've met some friends from her workplace and they all know what an asshole he is. But he's very sly as well and - for eg when he left the house he went round telling people she'd driven him to it because she'd been sleeping around. So work, I think, having to give him benefit of doubt too.

Really makes me so angry that he can get away with such lies.

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Thanks v much alittleone2 will try to raise this with her - can I ask for advice too pls since you seem in similar situation? Was there anything that helped when you were in absolute depths of despair? Am just trying to get her out of this black hole at the moment - she's always come out of them but this one is lasting longer (coming up to two weeks now) than before (three-four days, with one-two can't-get-out-of-bed days).

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Thanks - will do. Meantime anyone got any advice on how to help a friend out of a black hole emotionally?