Need kind advice on how to leave/what to do

[purplehazeallinmybrain]

Posting this for a friend who is staying with us with her 2 DC at the moment, unexpectedly. I’ve tried to get her to post here for advice before - she’s not a mumsnetter. I asked her to summarize and she sent me the following which I’ll paste as she wrote it:

“Living with long term partner with addiction.
Hostile and aggressive but not physically abusive. Verbally abusive and just generally hostile.
The house is in his name although I gave him all of the large cash deposit for the house.
I couldn’t get on the mortgage when we got the house due to poor credit.
The agreement between us was that the house would be sold and money returned to me should we seperate.
Sadly not legally binding in anyway. No legal documents.
The relationship has deteriorated to now find myself at a friends place and too scared/anxious to go back.
He makes my life and our two children very miserable at home. Sleeping all day and in a terrible mood when he is awake.
He has recently told me that the mortgage is in arrears and the house is at risk of repossession in January. He is also in a lot of other debt credit card etc because he hasn’t been working for almost 2 years due to the addiction.
I really want to leave but I don’t know what the best course of action is and don’t know whether I can get help from council etc if he’s not physically abusing me.”

I’ll respond for her for now, but hope if it goes well she’ll join.

I think she should try to get something in writing from him to show that the deposit was from her. She will need help to do that - someone to be with her when she asks him to sign something drawn up by a solicitor.

Once she has that, then she can suggest he sells the house and then maybe she might get her deposit back?

First thing is to see a solicitor. And dig out old bank statements proving she transferred the money for the deposit.

Sorry to hear of your friend in this situation. She will absolutely need to leave for good. She will not likely get any money out of that house as there's no legal agreement, and if the mortgage is in arrears well that is his problem and she can leave him to that. However, she should consult a solicitor on this.

Does she have any parents or family to help at all, who could take her in and the children? The best thing to do I think would be to get in touch with women's aid and see what help they can offer.

Thank you both. All views gratefully received!

Why is the agreement not legally binding? Is there absolutely no written record of it (eg emails, texts, WhatsApp messages etc)?

It’s obviously best to have a clear written contract in a single document but English law potentially recognises contracts made orally and/or by conduct. Obviously, it’s much harder to prove the terms of a contract which isn’t written down (she would need to set out the terms in a witness statement and he would have a chance to rebut that) but it’s not necessarily impossible. (PS am speaking as a disputes lawyer).

Thank you Dery - this is incredibly useful.

There are messages directly referring to it, the mortgage broker with whom she is still in contact remembers the original conversations re intention of formalising it, bank records of the original transfer (many 100s of thousands £)

@purplehazeallinmybrain - that all sounds like helpful evidence, particularly if any of the messages refer to the ring fencing arrangement. Your friend needs to ensure that she preserves all possibly relevant documents (very broadly defined: includes all forms of written electronic communication and can also include voicemail messages etc). She should keep everything. She should also write down her recollection of what was discussed (but if she doesn’t remember something then she should be clear she doesn’t remember it: it’s surprisingly easy to invent memories based on what you think would have happened, however, that is not reliable evidence).