Husbands who don’t listen (Feeling alone. Tried to talk about past trauma - husband uninterested)

[NewSquid]

I’ve had a terrible couple of days… old childhood trauma has been stirred up by contact with a relative and left me feeling off-the-scale anxious and retraumatised. I wanted us (my nuclear family) to have a good Christmas so I thought it would be a good idea to share how I felt with my husband to hopefully improve my mood. Today I told him I wanted to try to explain what was going on. I didn’t (and knew he wouldn’t) want a long drawn out conversation so I told him I was going to try, in a short amount of time, express how I feel and then put it aside so we could enjoy Christmas. I had to really concentrate to find the words but as I proceeded to tell him that (emotionally) I felt like my skin had been flailed off and I was bleeding and my nerves had no protection, in the middle of this he kept asking me a question about putting something in the freezer. I was trying my hardest to keep the thread of what I was trying to express and indicated this to him but he kept insisting on asking me the question about the freezer…
I snapped and gave up on the conversation.
I rarely bring this stuff up and was trying to express something I’m not sure I’ve managed to explain before.
Just wondering what to make of it…
He’s a great husband in many ways but… Something similar happened recently where I was trying to explain something difficult and he kept interrupting me. I ended up with a sore brain and gave up. My family often interrupt me - he has commented on this himself. I’m used to it but there’s something about being interrupted when you’re trying to express something difficult or something you feel excruciatingly vulnerable about that’s difficult to take. I’m feeling very down. If I make a fuss about this sort of thing he’ll “listen” to me (about the fact he didn’t listen) but it just feels like we’re wallowing in an uncomfortable stew and it doesn’t change the fact he didn’t actually pay heed in the first place. I don’t want someone to listen to me because I’m angry. It would be comforting to be listened to because someone wanted to listen.

His own childhood likely left him unable to listen to the trauma of others. I think a therapist would be a truly helpful thing for you because you need and deserve to be heard on this.

I'm so sorry @NewSquid , that is a really horrible feeling. I've been there before many a time, so totally understand. My dh is mostly great, but can also be a terrible listener and he really struggles with empathy and understanding. I've found an amazing counsellor who has helped massively.

Have you had therapy before? So sorry you're going through this, big hugs.

Sounds like he’s not a listening ear. Ultimately that may pose a problem for you as a couple but first thing is maybe first, deal with the issue at hand. Also think counselling is hugely beneficial, just the act of talking about it is therapeutic.

I had therapy as a youngish teenager - it was exhausting. The therapist didn’t spend enough time on the main issue even though it was the reason the GP referred me to child guidance. He spent more time concentrating on other stuff (there was a lot going on). But they were very different times and it definitely wouldn’t happen now. I had some sessions a few years ago to help me with some of the specific, practical stuff I have a block about. I also had some sessions with an IAPT counsellor. It kind of put me off therapy - for the time being at least. I think you’re lucky if you find “a good fit”.

I'm not sure I would have known how to deal with that conversation either tbh. Did you sit down together properly? Because if it was just standing around in the kitchen while other stuff was happening I can see how he has got uncomfortable and tried to deflect attention by asking about the freezer. You don't get told every day that someone feels like they are being skinned alive, and he might have frozen or said "oh ok". I'm sorry you're having a shitty time, and agree that therapy is the way forward here, even if it's hard.

He is aware of what’s been going on the last couple of days so it wasn’t out of the blue. But what you said reminds me a little bit of what he said. He didn’t freeze and wasn’t deflecting. I think he just gets fixated on what he wants to do. We’ve discussed the fact he is a bit unusual and might have neurodivergent traits… It felt quite callous to interrupt me for such an unimportant reason - I can’t imagine doing that to him. But he is a good husband in other ways.

If you suspect that your H is ND than your description of how you were feeling would have been totally perplexing for him, I’m not ND and I would have been none the wiser. Your H is not the audience for this type of conversation, not because he’s a bad person but because he’s ill equipped and clearly doesn’t understand what is expected of him in this situation.

I remember a very triggering event years ago and my first reaction was to get the hell out of there but I was waiting for my young DD and there was no one else to pick her up, so I had to stick around. I took myself off to the toilet and the grown up me had a word with the triggered me, Turns out grown up me is a fucking good listener and said all the right things to get me through the next hour. Talking to myself isn’t a long term solution but in a pinch, the grown up experienced me can be very supportive.

I wish I could calm myself down… There’s the “facts” of what happened a couple of days ago and the emotional after effects. I thought attempting to articulate my emotional state to my husband and trying to pin down what was causing it might put me in a better state of mind. There’s pressure because it’s Christmas and I want to be good company for the people around me.
I have told him in the past what I need/expect (which was difficult as I was brought up not to do that sort of thing). Sometimes I think we’ve made great progress as a couple but when things like this happen it reminds me exactly how he was when we were a young family dealing with in-laws etc and feeling abandoned, unprotected and perplexed by his behaviour and obliviousness

I think he finds it difficult

partners can’t always understand exactly how it feels - they might never fully understand your trauma - and to be fair you have said you don’t

and sorry to say they don’t have to - they are not your counsellor

you need some therapy - if your serious I’d go private and not rely on IAPT

I don't think I'd want to hear those sorts of descriptions of trauma tbh OP. I'm not sure what would be wanted of me.

I think a I'm feeling a bit raw ATM, can we hunker down for a cuddle or something would be how I would have asked for support. That's doable.

You probably need a professional if you want to go into descriptions of skin flaking off. It's too deep.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Maybe a blanket wrapped round you for the pressure might help you feel safer than you do atm.

Your husband is not your therapist. He doesn't process emotional dumps like yours and you know this.

Find a professional.

Gently it sounds like you need professional counsellor.
You can also call samaritans who have had training.
Your dh is not qualified or trained and may feel out of his depth

@NewSquid would it help to write down everything you’re feeling, and what happened up to that point? Spend some time each day on it till you can find a good counsellor or therapist?

@outerspacepotato I’m well aware that my husband is not my therapist. Given your lack of empathy and cruel response it sounds like you need one yourself (unfortunately it’s usually the people around people like you who end up having therapy).
My husband has known me for decades yet you think it’s inappropriate for me to want/need to share how I’m feeling just before Christmas (when there’s no professional around to speak to even if I wanted to). I was feeling terrible and didn’t want to bring the mood down whilst we had family visiting so reached out and you think it’s ok to give those sorts of replies to someone feeling that vulnerable? Luckily I’m feeling stronger now - strong enough to call you out. Therapists and counsellors are not always the best people to talk to (as I already explained I have had therapy) they can often do more harm than good especially when it comes to trauma.

Look: for whatever reason, and its very sad, your dh is just not the person you want when you want to unfold your traumatic response to family issues. Mine would be. But yours is not. husbands are individuals and some can handle supportive listening and counseling and some can’t.

I am, in fact, a therapist and a damned good one. And I have lots of people in my life I can unpack stuff with. But even I have to have a therapist to share/.offload some stuff to either because its private or too much for civilians to deal with.

If you want to be mad at your dh, or disappointed I think that’s very reasonable. But now you know he’s just not up to the holding you need. If your need to express this side of your experience is great I think either therapy (which you reject) or journaling/painting/creating/memorializing/walking/boxing etc…are good ways of managing trauma and pain.

No, this poster was correct. You wanted to trauma dump so you could enjoy your Christmas. No person should be at the receiving end. Telling a poster they need therapy for pointing it out and that you're 'strong' is nuts.
Get therapy.

Thanks @pikkumyy77 That is very insightful advice. I have found many of the sorts of things you’ve suggested extremely helpful and healing over the years. I’m not completely against therapy - just think it has to be at a time when you feel ready to open up and that you find someone who is a good fit to open up to. I personally didn’t find going over and over the things that had happened to me helpful when I did have therapy.
The reason I originally posted was because I was gobsmacked by my husband’s reaction that particular day.
For those people who think I shouldn’t have shared how I was feeling with my husband, I have been with him most of my life and he knows a lot about me. I am always there for him and have listened to him a lot over the years when he has needed to share his feelings.

I’m grateful for most of the responses (eg the ones that weren’t “kick a dog when he’s down”) I particularly felt less alone when I read that other people had had similar experiences with their partners. Thank you

I’m not explaining myself for your benefit (it’s perfectly clear what sort of person you are). I actually wanted to be good company for the people around me. My husband wasn’t badly affected by what I said at all - quite the opposite.