Early bird (DH) vs. night owl (me)

[asdiouwern]

DH has always been an early bird and I've always been a night owl. We used to meet somewhere in the middle, but over the past few months he's started waking up at 3-4am and falling asleep at 6-7pm (he's snoring on the sofa as I type). We both run our own businesses, so it's not a matter of shift work or needing to be in the office at a certain time.

I know what's happening: he wakes up early feeling stressed about work, can't go back to sleep, and is then understandably knackered before we've even had a chance to sit down for dinner. However, I don't know what to do about it.

It's completely destroyed any quality time. He's also very sanctimonious about waking up early; he seems to think it's more virtuous than working late into the night (which is when I'm the most focussed and energetic, and get the most done). Apparently I'm the one who's in the wrong because I go to sleep and wake up "late" (late being 8-9am wakeup having stayed up working until 1-2am if not later). His attitude feels very Victorian. He's not generally a mean or condescending person, but for whatever reason, he likes to lord this particular issue over me.

I've even tried sharing research that shows being an early bird vs. night owl is genetic - not a matter of laziness or discipline - but he won't budge.

I think there's two problems here - (1) our quality time is practically nonexistent now apart from weekends, and (2) I'm constantly being made to feel less than for having a different sleep cycle.

Any ideas how to approach this?

you have tried to approach this and met a brick wall. Your first sentence is relevant.

@UpDownAllAround1 true about the brick wall, but I'm not sure what you mean about the first sentence. I feel like a 6-7pm/3-4am sleep cycle goes beyond a typical early bird/night owl misfit?

You just are not compatible if you can’t spend any quality time together

Why is he stressed? When he’s less stressed does he get up at a more reasonable time?

Can you have a lunch break together in the week instead of waiting for dinner for quality time?

Im an early bird (though not that early) and I wouldn’t want to change my schedule for someone, but I would be willing to have a break in the middle of the day. Or can you start to make your own plans in the evening - gym / see friends etc so you don’t feel you’re just sat on your own while he sleeps.

How old is he? I have always been a lark but since hitting 60 I find my natural waking time is around 5:45

@winterwarmer8274 he's stressed about work, but nothing material has changed in his business since he's started this new sleep cycle. I like the idea of finding time during the day, but I've lost count of how many times we've planned a weekday lunch, shopping trip, dog walk, etc. and ended up canceling because something comes up with work. While neither of us have a boss to answer to, client requests do come up during the day and it's hard to tell in advance if a random Tuesday will be relaxed or full throttle... but maybe we need to get better at taking advantage of moments when we are both relatively free, so I take your point!

@Purplewarrior early 40s! He does blame it on no longer being in his 30s, and I know it's a thing, but I still think his new schedule is a bit extreme... maybe he is also becoming less stress-resistant, though?

You're incompatible due to your internal body clocks and him being a sanctimonious ass about it. You can't even take him out to a nice dinner or concert because he's asleep so early.

We live in a 24/7/365 world where tons of people are working nights. It's not the past where much of the farmwork was done early and in the daytime. That's a weird hangup and he's out of step with today's world. He isn't any better than anyone else because he is anxious over his business and gets up early.