Family drama and I am in the middle

[Daffodilsareyellow1]

I would do with some advice as im not sure what (if anything I should be doing to help).

Im 38 I have a younger brother who is 34. Oir mum is 63. Our mum and dad separated when we were 10 and 6. Dad died 11 years ago.

My mum has some health issues. I can't always keep up with what! She has fibromyalgia, sciatica, tennis elbow, back pain. Also awaiting a hip op anytime now. So she's currently in a lot of pain. She was also recently in hospital with vomiting and is still weak but mostly better. She hasn't worked since we were younger and doesnt do much with her day. She tends to be up late, in bed until late and watching TV. She doesnt really have friends or go out...im just providing the context.

My younger brother can be quite blunt/unkind and is very inpatient. He has said for a while that pir mum need sto help herself, he has no sympathy for her and she's useless. He thinks she should have worked and been able to help us financially etc. I think hes quite resentful. He also does have periods of feeling low and I think hes quite lonely. However, he does get on with our mum and she is genuinely kind and loves us a lot.

Yesterday out of nowhere he sent me a screenshot of messages he had sent our mum. Basically he messaged her saying he was going to kill himself at xmas like 'bob'(a friend of my mum and stepdad who killed himself 2 years ago at xmas). He then said he was only joking. He then proceeded to tell her she is useless, she's a shit mother, she's never been there for me or him and that hes been alone since our dad died. As much as I loved our dad, he was an alcoholic who would tell us as kids that he was going to kill himself.

He's not seeing her xmas day and wants nothing to do with her. I asked what had happened and is he OK, it seems anger is triggered by an issue with a girl he was seeing (found out she had slept with his friend). When he gets angry, you cant really talk sense into him.

I appreciate his feelings are valid but hes been very cruel. I think if he had any issues then he should have spoke to my mum in an adult like way to address them. I spoke to my mum and she's really devastated. My brother asked my today if I had spoken to mum and what was her reply. I told him she's really upset and he said 'good, she's useless'. My mum has asked if i have heard from my brother but what can I say??? I don't want to say 'yes but he wants nothing to do with you'. I know its not about me or my issue but im in the middle. I don't know how to help or what to say to my mum or brother.

Any ideas??

Stop pandering to your brother who sounds absolutely horrible. Message ‘these messages you’re sending mum are abusive, you’re as bad as our dad for doing this and I’m going to spend Christmas supporting her as the only parent who brought us up. You can take a good long look in the mirror. Stop stirring me for a reaction I’m busy and won’t spend Christmas messaging with abusive people.

I think your bro has some kind of personality disorder and he was verbally and emotionally abusive to your mom.

Texting her suicide threats then saying they were a joke? When she just got out of the hospital?

I'd be going no contact myself. But I have seen too much of that drama.

Your brother sounds like someone who could benefit from some counselling or something - that is not a normal way to respond to being offered Christmas dinner!
To make a comment like that about Bob is disgusting, and very obviously meant to hurt even if there was truth in it. I've had friends tell me they were struggling with suicidal thoughts (and have lost people that way too), none of them ever joked about someone else like that. I would find that really difficult to move on from as it would completely change how I thought about DB as a person.
I'm glad you called him out on it, and I'm glad you told your mum you did too. If she keeps asking if you've heard from him just tell her "yes, he is ok. I've told him to keep these opinions to himself because I don't want to hear it, he should never have made it sound like he was talking for both of us"

He sounds abusive. Your poor mum needs protecting from him. Fibromyalgia is often caused by stress. It makes it flare up. If she has arthritis of the hip she’ll have significant pain from that too. It’s appalling to treat her like that.

Your poor mum. Her health was probably compromised by living with an alcoholic who threatened suicide while she carried the family alone. It’s strange you say your dad wasn’t abusive when it sounds like he used to tell you as a child he was going to kill himself.

I disagree she is doing nothing. She is performing self care. A calm drama free life is exactly what she needs.

Your brother is extremely abusive and is using your vulnerable mother as a punch bag to dump his anger about his dating issues on.

You should support your mother 100%. Tell your brother in no uncertain terms to stop. Had he sent these messages to his ex she would probably have reported him to the police which is why he’s sent them to your mother instead.

Don't pass information about your mum to your brother. Don't tell him she feels guilty or she’s very upset. Refuse to discuss it and don’t respond at all to any texts about it. I would struggle to get past this personally.

He can have his ‘feelings’, and keep them to himself. You do NOT have to validate them. For goodness sake, the shock of his abhorrent behaviour could make your mother have a medical emergency (please keep in regular contact with her over the next few days, at the very least she’ll have symptoms of shock).
If he doesn’t want a relationship with her, then he behaves like an adult and calmly explains that. He has no right to behave/attack like he is.
Don’t sit on a fence, make him accept the consequences of his nasty words and actions. It sounds very overdue.

It’s telling that he frames your mums health issues as a moral failing but his loneliness and depression is a tragedy. He complains, and you seem to agree that your mum isn’t helping herself, but what is he doing to help himself?

He’s doing what all abusive men do which is expecting women to absorb his anger and regulating himself through impact.

Thank you for all your responses.
Just to say that my dad wasn't threatening suicide to my mum. He was a drinker and from what I gather, she cheated on him and they split up. Once apart, he would then tell us as children how depressed he was and say he wanted to kill himself.

I think my dad slagged my mum off to my brother. Brother has always been impatient and lacked understanding but I think hes on a downward spiral and decided it is my mums fault. Im very angry with him.