Son & girlfriend split. Need advice

[EveleenWinters]

My son & his girlfriend met up via a tinder hook up & she became pregnant.
This is obviously not ideal.
Now I will always try & be neutral & not interfere in relationships.
The baby is due next year & she is really struggling with her mental health. To the point social services are involved.
They live in England, us the other end of country.
She stopped working due to anxiety 3 months ago & claims UC.
I'm a bit annoyed as she told her parents that I said she came from a broken home.
My exact words were. My son wouldnt want the baby to come from a broken home & wants the relationship to work. She has divorced parents & completely taken what I said out of context.
But her family have now removed themselves from a WhatsApp group.
Son has said not to message her as she takes everything i say the wrong way.

I' ve put it down to hormones & she has been with a specialist mental health team while pregnant due to her mental health.
She wasn't feeling well & my son said maybe you're dehydrated. She said she didnt want a diagnosis. He was only trying to help.

They decided to try living with each other. My son has moved towns & moved his employment office & they've signed a joint tenancy.

Her mother lives around the corner, it's her childhood home & like most mothers we do everything for them when they're home.
Our son has lived by himself for 4 years.
My son is the only one paying the rent & all bills. He bought himself a t-shirt & she said she needs his money for the baby & he said he feels like a bank.

This weekend she has gone back to her mother's. Said she doesn't feel safe at home. Said there are items on floor & son hadn't put his clothes away.

They've been moved in for a month. My son works 16 hour days. As he's paying the bills & working overtime.
He's used all his paid leave up for appointments & cannot afford to take unpaid leave off as there's 1000k rent to find a month & she says she feels unsupported.

He can't do everything.
He forgot to take the bins out as it was midnight when he got home & she made her father do it.
It could have waited.
Hes sent me a video. All walkways are clear & she had left dirty dishes in the sink before she left & 4 cups by the bed.
He has obviously said you have to have good hygiene when the baby comes & cannot leave dirty dishes everywhere. He's doing his clothes a bit a day.
Again there's not much time when youre working 16 hours.
My son attempted suicide a few years ago & I'm concerned the stress will make him spiral again.
As I've said they moved in a month ago & she has gone to her mother's 3x & now shes not coming back.

He's afraid the tenancy is now broken & the landlord will kick him out.
She has asked him is he moving out.
He has nowhere to go. He's just moved his whole life to another town to try & make a go of it.
I honestly don't think she is being rational.
If she didn't want to move in. She should have been upfront from the start.

What happens next?
Our son has said he does not want the baby weaponised. But hes afraid that's it. Shes staying in her mum's to have the baby & won't go back home.

He has 2 weeks paternity & will then be back at work.
She has questioned what will happen when he is back at work. She wants a c section. He can't be there all the time he has to work to pay the rent.

It couldn't be any more of a mess if they tried.

He's more than willing to pay child maintenance but also has to afford to live in this house they both agreed to live in.
Hes already doing all the overtime going.

She had a go at him for not buying anything for the baby. He doesn't need to until a month before he doesnt want to tempt fate.

we have bought all the main things & she hasnt even thanked us.

They both had unprotected sex & this is the ultimate consequence
Im devastated as it doesn't look like we will ever see our grandchild.
We're visiting in March for a week for the birth of the baby.
My son is many things & I will always tell him if hes wrong. But I do think he is being treated unfairly here.

We're trying to help hom come up with a plan as there's no way this will resolve amicably & wants to see his child.
Any advice will be gratefully received.
Does he contact the CSA?
Will they take all his bills into account?
He's on the phone crying to us & I feel helpless.

Yup. It's gross. Late 20s. Im just trying to form a what does he have to do next plan. Solicitor, birth certificate, paternity, landlord. Work out all outgoings etc.

Both you and your son need to dial down how you're talking to her.

She's spiraling already and you using phrases like "broken home" and him having a go at her about cups and saying he doesn't want to "tempt fate" as if buying a pram will make something happen to the baby will make someone who's mental health is already crap feel even worse.

This is a whole shitshow, but it's of his own making.

CMS take a percentage of his wages, there's a calculator online where he can input his wage and see how much he will have to pay her. This is an absolute non negotiable and it won't take his outgoings into account, so he can plan around the amount it says online.

I agree completely thanks for the advice. He couldn't have the baby where he was living so that also added to the move.
Hopefully he can stay there & will manage the bills & csa stuff.
They've done this to themselves it's disgusting that they have no thought of pregnancy. I'd drilled birth control into them, deaf ears

I agree completely thanks for the advice. He couldn't have the baby where he was living so that also added to the move.
Hopefully he can stay there & will manage the bills & csa stuff.
They've done this to themselves it's disgusting that they have no thought of pregnancy. I'd drilled birth control into them, deaf ears

Had I not known the ages involved I would have thought these were two hapless teens needing a kick up the arse, you talking about birth control etc with 'them'.
I'd keep an open door if it was my s, but for the rest of it that ship has sailed.
Def want a dna test though when baby arrives, get one through CM if needed and gf kicks up a fuss and refuses to have one done privately.
I would also, if I was your s put some money to one side for the baby to help with CM payments if it is his child. Also make every effort to see the baby, if his, as that will go in his favour with future court visiting access.

What a mess. Just tell him to make sure ghe DNA test before the birth is registered with his name as father

I'd drilled birth control into them, deaf ears
That's something parents do to children, the man is almost thirty.
He needs to stop weeping down the phone to his mum and act like the grown adult he is. He chose to deliberately impregnate a stranger, that was always going to be a shit show.
He doesn't need a solicitor, if he's going to get court ordered parenting sorted he can represent himself. How much maintenance he pays depends on how much parenting he does, and his earnings.
You don't need to worry about anything, except building a relationship with the kid once born.

Absolutely this,step away and offer support when asked.

What a mess. A lot of this is outside of his control so he needs to concentrate on what is in his power to do.
He needs to sit tight and see what she does. I'd suggest he contacts Social Services to say he's wanting to play an active part in parenting.
Try and make sure he gets on the birth certificate.
Check the tenancy agreement to see when they can give notice to quit.

He may need to think about getting somebody to share the tenancy abd getting her name removed
Good luck.

Also, reading your updates, she hasn't 'lied to her family ' and it's that sort of framing that isn't helping. She has extrapolated from what you've said and it might not be what you said explicitly, but it effectively what you said "He doesn't want the baby to come from a broken home and wants the relationship to work" means that children to parents who's relationship doesn't/didn't work have come from a broken home, which applies to her. You may not have said "you come from a broken home" in as many words, but your words said jt nevertheless.

It would have been better all round if they didn't jump into a relationship. Sometimes co-parenting is the best option for the child.
If I was in your situation I'd be advising DS to find a home he can afford and try to build an amicable co-parenting relationship with the mother rather than a romantic one.
Your son isn't an angel here BTW. Sending you videos of pots that were left and having a go at her about hygiene for the baby sounds like the behaviour of an abusive man. I can't say he is abusive from that one incident, just that it is the kind of story you would hear about an abusive man. If a pregnant woman with mental health difficulties left some pots out I would just clear them away, not berate and humiliate her. It's also odd you say he doesn't want to buy anything to not tempt fate, yet you have bought things for the baby. It sounds like excuses rather than a genuine reason.

She basically sees your son as a speem donor and financial and emotional crutch. A relationship is never going to work between them. Has she had any diagnosis on her mental health, sounds like classic bpd presentation.

It appears she wants him to move out so she can live there by herself, with him still on the tenancy/responsible for the rent? He definitely needs to get a tenancy in his own name only asap, otherwise he's likely to find himself paying her rent in full whilst homeless himself (if they stay living together she'll end up accusing him of domestic abuse and get an injection against him).

Child maintenance will be 12% of his gross wage. Reduced if he has the child overnight, but that's unlikely to be practical with a newborn. I think he needs to admit defeat that the relationship isn't going to work and focus on trying to build a functional co parenting arrangement with her. She's not going to like hearing this news so a good chance she will become very difficult about child contact. He should ready himself for being written out of the child's life whilst paying his 12% for the next 18 years.

There's a chance that social services will at some point decide the child isn't safe in her care (the threshold is quite high), but they won't support dad becoming primary carer if he's actively supporting the mother. It's a no win situation for him, but he needs to get an appropriate distance from her while actively staying involved with the child if at all possible.

Prenatal paternity DNA testing is available, so he shouldn't wait until until the child is born to ask for it. Although I think if she refuses (likely), it can't legally be forced until after the child is born (when child maintenance becomes due).

I think he should give up on trying to make this work with her and try instead to create a good co parenting relationship.
I have a friend whose brother was in a situation like this and his ex was a nightmare when she realised he was serious about splitting.
She withheld contact and made allegations against him, disproven in court.
The little boy is 3 now and my friends brother was awarded
50/50 custody but actually has his little boy around 80% of the time.

This.
Hes flogging a dead horse with her and vice versa.

My dh became a father at 29...
He isn't a child he is a grown ass man... you need to step back.

I'd just give up communicating with your GCs mum / ex.

Post dna test....
He needs to live near her in someplace that is suitable for a child and get a court ordered contact schedule in place.

I also agree strongly with this

Your son isn't an angel here BTW. Sending you videos of pots that were left and having a go at her about hygiene for the baby sounds like the behaviour of an abusive man.

A few pans in the sink isnt a hygiene issue that effects a baby.

He will be paying for this mistake (literally) for the rest of his life

Who on earth thinks that a few mugs by a sink is a major issue? He really needs to focus on what is really important here. Get him to make a list of things he agrees to purchase before the baby is born to reassure her. Building a civil relationship with her is key now.

He can get his head down and do plenty of overtime now, although 16 hour days seems excessive. Then have more time when they baby comes .

Obviously they are not suited together. He will have more head space on his own. When child is born as others have said get a dna test. You are right to be concerned about his mental health. He might be 28 but mental health affects all ages. I hope it works out for him.

It sounds better that they live apart. The baby is the most important thing in this mess & it sounds a more stable environment for her to live at home with the support of her parents. The important thing isn’t that the baby has parents who live together but that the baby has a stable home, loving parents and its needs are met. They’re better off apart. As other said , he should get a DNA test, get legal advice to set up reasonable contact and step away from this disastrous relationship. If they can be adults and put the baby at the heart of it, there’s no reason they can’t co parent successfully & the baby will never know any different. This is an innocent child who didn’t ask to be born into this mess, it’s not about his rights or her rights.