Green flags? Please help!

[MerryXmasStNick]

Hello,
I would be really interested to know if anyone could let me know what green flags they noticed in someone they were seeing, if they ended up with a man long term or indeed if it was a man who they ended up meeting on the apps and who they stayed friends with?

I have been hurt badly this year by dating someone incredibly toxic; I feel almost like it was my fault for not noticing the red flags until it ended up being a "frog in a pan of water" situation. I have learnt a lot about what flags to watch out for, as well as the most obvious ones e.g. my ex wife is crazy etc. also more insidious ones. But I'd love to know what nice things people noticed in the early days too 🙂
I have got stuff like being nice and polite to waitresses, not flagging off ex wives especially if the mother of his children. But any more discreet ones that made you think that this was a good guy? Thanks x

Introduced me to family & friends but only when I was ready.
Supports everything I do (did a course & got a new job since we’ve been together).
Phones/texts when he says he will. Checks in regularly.
Very consistent & reliable.
Generous (so am I for the record so I don’t take advantage).
Funny & really good company.
Not once has he made me feel unsure about us.
Knows my kids come first with me & I know his daughter & grandsons come first with him. His daughter & her partner & kids live in a house beside his that he built for her. She’s very close to him.
He gets on okay with the mother of his daughter and also her husband and other three children that she had after they broke up.
Never gets angry or raises his voice.
Never complains even if unwell (One day we were on a day out and I could see that he was in pain but he kept saying he was fine. He insisted on continuing the day out, he dropped me home and then he ended up in A&E that evening or because he didn’t want to ruin the day for me.)
Great in bed ;) I fancy him rotten!
Doesn’t drink. I don’t really either. I’d have the odd drink but not often. He has no issue with this.
Total granny just like me lol.
He does smoke & I don’t but he doesn’t a smoke a lot & he makes sure to keep it away from me as much as possible which I didn’t ask him to do.
FYI We’re together one year on the 28th of December and it has been an absolutely perfect.
And yes I realise I sound very annoying

Never makes out my feelings are unreasonable
Will do anything to help me
listens and remembers things I say
Talks gently and explains if I do something he doesn’t like, explains why
Is affectionate and never cold

Effort.
Consistency.
Actions backing up words.
Transparency
Honesty
These things all of the time. No excuses.

If a man wants you, you will know.
If he doesnt, you will have doubt and uncertainty. There is no middle ground

Dh is the most lovely dependable thoughtful person I’ve ever met. One thing that jumped out at me right away in the first few weeks that we were dating is that he always did exactly what he said he would.

If he said, I’ll be at yours for 7 and we’ll go to dinner, he was there at 6:59. If he said, I’ll come by and help you fix whatever this Friday after work, he was there Friday after work and didn’t leave until it was fixed. If he said we’d do something for my birthday, he cleared his schedule and made sure we had the whole weekend together. There was no running late to meet me. No making plans and changing them last minute. No flaking out. No falling asleep and not bothering to turn up (yes, this happened with an ex).

Another thing, he has lots of female friends. Not exes. Not women he shagged back in the day. Genuine friends from school and work who he’s never dated, but is close with them and their partners and families. If women like you enough to have you as a friend and their partners trust you enough to become your friend too, with no weirdness or hangs ups, you’re probably a decent guy. We are still friends with all those couples now and their kids, 18 years later, and they still think as highly of him.

You are bang on. My DP is the same, anything he said he'd do, he does it. Actions match words. Hes dependable, thoughtful, considerate and affectionate. We've hit the jackpot 😊

The big one for me is doing what they say they'll do. Make plans and stick to them. Turn up on time. Phone when they say they will.

If you're used to the anxiety around will he/won't he call/turn up then it can feel a bit flat when he says as he leaves, I'll call you tomorrow eve and we'll make plans for the weekend, removing all the phone checking etc. I think sometimes women mistake that anxious feeling for butterflies, so discount these "boring" reliable men.

This thread gives my heart hope 🙂

Reliable
When there's a problem, we -talk-. No stonewalling, defensiveness, refusal to engage. We talk, and we listen. Its not always easy, but we take that risk and it means that instead of the relationship faltering and staying shallow, it's deepening.

He's funny and clever and thoughtful and kind.

Is he perfect? No. But he's lovely and after the last frog I kissed turned out to be a toad, im happy that this man stays who presented himself to be from the start.

Being considerate
Listening to you and asking questions instead of just talking about themselves
I was ill about 2 months into relationship with DH and he was sympathetic and looked after me
Paying their way
Not playing games - if they want to see you they do, if they say they’ll call they do. Is in contact regularly.
Being considerate around sex, respecting boundaries, consent

I’d been so used to men playing hard to get/being unreliable/ not committing when I met DH it was so refreshing to just be able to say for example “I’m free Saturday do you want to come to mine after work” and him just saying yes, no drama, no running scared because I suggested meeting up!

Thank you all so much for your replies it is really helpful too see these things spelt out
@Flowerslamp i totally agree with you - yes i have ended or not pursued things with men who were decent but considered a bit "boring" by me as i do find the thrill of the chase or whatever you want to call it very addictive. I think it is because i have adhd and i love the dopamine rush. I think i will leave dating for now because i think i still have work to do on myself but this list is very useful so thanks all x

Now exBF - looked me right in the eye, paid attention when I was talking, and remembered things I'd said in subsequent conversations. Not showy about 'treating' me but not tight with money either. Not on his phone all the time but responded same/next day to messages and fully committal replies.

Did it for me anyway.