Ended friendship

[Mumtobe2025x3]

I got married in 2023 and one of my close friends from my old work place was invited along with her husband and son.
We formed a great friendship and met up out of work and said we were friends for life. She is older than me, I was 33 & my friend 53.

Anyway we had been close the whole wedding talking about plans etc. on the day of my wedding my friend just didn’t turn up, we called and texted to which I had no response. I was incredibly worried as her husband had been ill a couple of years before or thought what had happened
I then received a text the next morning after my wedding that she didn’t come because my sister had been rude to her three weeks prior to the wedding at my hen party. She said that basically if my sister had been rude again she would not of stood for it and had it out with her at the wedding and she didn’t went to ruin my day. I offered to ring her and meet with her to talk about this and she didn’t want to. I spoke to my sister who said this wasn’t true.
When my sister has had a drink she can be quite blunt and I wondered if this is what happened. However, on asking my friend it sounded like it was over really small things like my sister telling her a gift bag hadn’t been arranged for her as she confirmed her attendance too late for the Hen etc. my sister can be quite blunt and has an attitude sometimes. Not that’s ok, but she should of confronted her.

i was so upset that my friend didn’t even mention this had happened to me. She said she didn’t want to cause upset in the lead up to the wedding with my sister, but she was messaging me four days before my wedding telling me what dresses she had ordered to wear. She then said she changed her mind the night before about coming when we planning on telling me afterwards. I felt so
mislead by her showing me outfits In the week before and then just radio silence on the day.

i was so upset she just decided to not turn up to my special day. I don’t care if her and my sister had an issue, they’re grown women and that’s for them to sort out. I had also paid for places for her and her husband (to which she offered to pay me after I pointed this out to her - I did not accept).
I also couldn’t prove anything was said so how can I side with anyone, I was stuck In the middle between a good friend and my sibling. I told her the she should have addressed it at the time then she wouldhave felt differently about the wedding and comfortable to attend.
I felt so let down by her and the fact this happened three weeks before my wedding and she’s in her 50s and had my sisters number. She could have just pulled her for a conversation or called her. She told me it was affecting her mental health and that we should take a pause and meet up at a later point. Well that was May 2023
and we never spoke again.

i missed her friendship and felt life was too short so I reached out to her 2 months ago (after 2.5 years) when I was 8 months pregnant and said should we meet for a coffee if she felt comfortable. She told me that too much damage had been done and that her feelings at the time had been really hurt. I just said ok that’s fine wishing you all the best. She did say on reflection that she probably didn’t handle it well and that basically she should have just made an excuse about the wedding and spoke to me in person.
I just feel like she was the one in the wrong, to not turn up at a very close friends wedding, not tell them and then just burst their bubble on the morning after their wedding waking up happy to see there was an issue with my sister and she didn’t come because of that.

I felt and still feel she is wrong for this. I miss my friend but I felt like what she did was quite harsh and she should of just swallowed her pride, not conversated with my sistef( I had 150 people there) so was easily avoided.
her timing was completely awfuk and to RSVP and then just decide not to come for a valid reason really upset me. I felt like now I’ve had a baby she would be interested in rekindling our friendship. im also the bigger person and wanted to speak with her and see if we could be friends again.
Ive never received an apology from her ever about this, she just said her conscience was clear because she had told the truth and had no way of proving what had happened. I was really upset I never once received an apology.

i wondered what others thoughts were on this?

You need to leave her be, do not lower yourself to reach out to her again. Anyone that could do this to you is not worthy of being your friend. She would have known that you would spend your wedding day worrying about her, and she was happy with that decision. She hadn’t had a falling out with you, it had been with your sister. There is no reason why she couldn’t have come to the wedding, and even left early, feigning illness, if she felt she couldn’t socialise with your DSis at that time.

I know this is difficult, I had a similar situation with a dear friend. My DS, who is on the autism spectrum, misunderstood something she had said, and very politely challenged her about it, that was it. She asked me to leave her house and we have never spoken since. That was over 20 years ago now, I wrote to her twice early on, and the letters were posted back through my door unopened. It took me a while to realise that there was nothing I could do to change her mind, but I could get on with my life, and accept it would no longer include her. There is no situation that would have made me remove her from my life, so clearly the friendship meant considerably more to me than it did to her. It sounds quite hard, but I made myself think, well it’s her loss actually. She lost a friend that would have done anything to help her out, that would have continued to have fun, laughter, been equally ready to mop up any tears, or celebrate good times together.

Please forget about her, and concentrate on your life with your baby.

I don't think that you ever knew this woman as well as you thought you did.

Someone that wouldn't be able to hold their tongue at someone else's wedding over practically nothing is no loss to you.

Having your baby is a great chance to build new friendships at baby groups and nursery or to put more time into old friendships of people that are in similar situations or up for supporting you. Move forward and forget this woman now.

She shouldn’t have just not turned up for the wedding that’s really rude. She made it all about her over something that sounds quite small. But I would let the friendship go, it’s been a long time you feel you were wronged, she feels she was wronged. It was nice of you to reach out but she doesn’t want to work past this, it’s possible the friendship was more superficial than you realised at the time.

I imagine this woman has lost more than one relationship based on her behaviour. She’s probably lost a few, and the common denominator is her.

I can maybe understand some of her rationale. She was obviously very offended by your sister to the point that she knew there would be a confrontation with your sister at the wedding, which she didn't want, either for herself or yourself. And although she could have had it out with your sister before the wedding, she figured the bad blood would have persisted and spoiled the wedding.

So some of the rationale was to protect your wedding from conflict. And maybe then, she felt that by missing your wedding, she had ruined the friendship and she decided there was no point to keep trying to repair it.

It seems quite black and white thinking. Did you get the impression that she was like this from previous interactions?

Thank you, I was quite shocked that she turned down a coffee request and thought even to build some bridges or just clear the air she would have been mature enough to do that. That’s exactly why I was so upset that this issue was to do with my sister, she carried on as normal, didn’t say a word and just didn’t turn up. I was so worried she’d had a car crash or her husband had another heart emergency. She said whilst I’d notice she wasn’t there, because I had so many people going I’d basically forget about it. She said she didn’t want to lie, but I would of rather her actually contacted me on the day or before the day to cancel with a lie or like you say, came and then left early. Even my sister was calling her asking where she was as she didn’t even know she had done anything either. I imagine my sister isn’t innocent in this, but I didn’t hear it and it’s not my problem to sort out. My friend is also big and ugly enohhj to sort her out stuff. Also knowing the type of woman she is, she would 100% confront someone about this behaviour. It’s a cop out to not attend a good friends wedding over it. She also knew the stress of the wedding I had going into a mixed marriage and she was really supportive, so that hurt even more!

I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your ex-friend. Considering that involves a child she ended a friendship seems very bizarre.

like you say no situation would of made you remove her from your life and I was willing to rekindle our friendship even after all of this, like others have said. I really must have valued our friendship more than she did as she wronged me in a really nasty way, yet I still reached out to her to build a bridge. X

I could also see some points of what she was saying, but I also think it’s absolutely inexcusable to not turn up to a close friends wedding. I was beside myself with worry for some time on the day and she completely ignored my texts and calls until the next day. I texted her asking if she was ok and she had been on what’s app after I sent the message and just not opened it. I think yeah, don’t talk to my sister again etc etc, but to not come to the wedding over really minor comments (albeit not ok!) is a really poor excuse from her. If it had been a birthday party or smaller event I could of understood,

I also found it bizarre why she felt she could not contact my sister, she was really fond of my sister and used to say she saved her in the days her husband was in hospital very unwell (my sister is a nurse) and used to call
the hospital to find out updates (during Covid so no visiting) and break all the medical terms down for her so she had a really special place for my sister. I can see why if my sister was rude that Would hurt more, but also on a level where she could call her out and say look I was really offended by what you said and sorted it to put me first. My wedding was one day, she never had to see my sister again

My sister didn’t even know what she had done (not that it’s ok for her to be rude, but she’d had a drink and likely didn’t remember) so my friend should of called her out or moved on if it was bothering her that much and not leave it until weeks later.

she was a person that used to cancel on the day of our planned meet ups quite a lot and it really used to irritate me. My sister said maybe as she was older meet ups didn’t come as naturally to her as it did me as she was often knackered from work etc, but she used to cancel on me a lot when we had made plans and I was stressing before my wedding whether she’d actually come because she used to cancel all the time, even when it came to the hen on the WhatsApp group my friend and sister said she had been not confirming plans etc hence why she didn’t end up with a personalised gift bag. So she was quite an unreliable person I felt in our friendship, very supportive when needed but I used to get worried about meeting sometimes as I knew she’d cancel !

She was a twit and absolutely in the wrong, but as you have said, she also has form for unreliability, confining late or cancelling plans.

It's done with, don't give her another thought.

What’s her DH like? Could it be that he refused to go and didn’t want her to go? Is she in a controlling relationship? Because it just seems like such a bizarre excuse, and to just not show up is so odd when she could have told you she wasn’t going weeks before.

Her husband is really nice as far as I’m aware. He is about ten years older than her and retired. But she wore the trousers, she’s a strong northerner, so what she said went with their marriage I picked up.
it is such a bizarre excuse and even other friends of mine have said she must be lying because it’s a terrible odd reason to not come to a wedding and the fact no one had any clue what was wrong until the day after!

Let this one go. The fact she hasn’t even contacted you in 2.5 years shows clearly she doesn’t want or care about this relationship.

It’s extremely rude to just not turn up at your wedding. That’s a given.
But what is your sister doing about her behaviour? First your sister denied being rude but then you’ve said she has form for this and because she was drunk she probably doesn’t remember. She sounds awful.
Anyway, back to the friendship. It’s been 2.5 years . If you want to rekindle the relationship you will need to let go but it doesn’t sound like you are ready to move past it without your friend being firmly in the wrong.

She knew that suddenly not being at your wedding would overshadow the event. Dreadful behaviour. You really need to let this one go. Don’t confuse feelings with real reciprocal love and friendship.

I understand why you’re upset. That’s awful. You need to realise she’s not your friend. You thought more of her than she did you. Sounds like she was making an excuse as she didn't want to go (for whatever reason) in the end. Close the book and move on. No rude sister would keep me away from a good friend’s wedding.x

It was rude of her not to come to your wedding, but I'm surprised you're upset that she didn't want to meet up for coffee recently. After 2.5 years of not speaking I think it's normal for her to have moved on and not want to rake up the past.

I think you're right here
She didn't behave good
But unfortunately she's not that nice really. And it's shit and upsetting. You're right to be upset. But she's shown you who she is so unfortunately

She sounds absolutely pathetic. I can’t understand why you tried to meet up with her again after so long. She doesn’t deserve your time or energy. Focus on better people who will appreciate your friendship.

"She said whilst I’d notice she wasn’t there, because I had so many people going I’d basically forget about it."

I think that is revealing. She didn't think she was that important to you. And sadly, that reveals clearly how she saw your friendship: it wasn't that important to her.

This is also supported by:

"she was a person that used to cancel on the day of our planned meet ups quite a lot and it really used to irritate me. ..she used to cancel on me a lot when we had made plans and I was stressing before my wedding whether she’d actually come because she used to cancel all the time, even when it came to the hen on the WhatsApp group my friend and sister said she had been not confirming plans etc hence why she didn’t end up with a personalised gift bag. So she was quite an unreliable person I felt in our friendship, very supportive when needed but I used to get worried about meeting sometimes as I knew she’d cancel !"

She probably doesn't do friendships well because she herself doesn't really value them. She can perform friendship - being "very supportive when needed" - but she can't sustain that performance, hence being flaky about turning up at get-togethers.

My point is, what she did has nothing to do with you personally. I understand that you feel disappointed and really hurt but the reality is that she's not a warm-hearted committed reliable person like you. She wasn't a good friend even before the wedding. What you were offering her in the friendship was gold, what she was giving back was tinfoil. Likely that's all she's capable of.

You didn't deserve in any way to be treated like that. But I hope by understanding who she really is means you can put her in the past and not let her spoil your lovely time with your baby.

Her behaviour was appalling and her excuses frankly don’t wash. Any decent person would’ve kept their distance from your sister and allowed you and DH to enjoy your day. I don’t think she wanted you to enjoy your day though, sadly. She was determined to make it all about her.

She didn’t turn up and let you worry yourself sick on your wedding day deliberately leaving calls and messages unanswered. It’s unforgivable but not having such an awful, self-centred person in your life really is no bad thing. I imagine she’s lost quite a lot of friends throughout the years.

Your wedding wasn’t about her and her hurt feelings. Even if your sister had actually been rude to her she still should’ve attended your wedding. She didn’t need to interact with your sister anymore than a polite hello if their paths crossed. There would’ve been no need for her to confront your sister.

She seems rather peculiar to me and best forgotten.

Forget about her. She doesn't want to be your friend and instead of being up from is making a drama about a little thing. Leave her sulking in her own world forever.

Leave her alone. She told you she doesnt want to reconcile. She wont apologise.

Its sad but you need to move on

Yes let her go. Op feel for you. I had a 20+ year friend I wouldnt go back. Trust was broken. I cant go back doing coffees etc thats just me. I dont think you could trust her now

I sense jealousy might be in the mix here or she has mental health problems

She’s not who she led you to believe she was 💐