Help Us Leave

[highflyingmum]

Hi, I know I’ve written on here before but I’m about my wits end with my partner now. He is incredibly difficult to live with, he’s a bit of a joker and a piss taker but he constantly belittles my 15 year old daughter (not his child). My youngest child has ASD and often has messy toilet accidents. This evening I’ve gone out with a few friends to the cinema and my daughter has text me stating that my partner is shouting really loud because son has had an accident. This happens a lot and in turn our son doesn’t always own up to his accidents in fear of partners reaction. My daughter has then said, he has then entered her room in a rage stating something along the lines of ‘do you want to see all this s**t’. My daughter then said that she wanted to get out of the house but she didn’t want to leave her brother behind.
I have discreetly asked the question to both children previously, wether how they would feel if dad moved out and both said yes!
He has made me miserable for a few years, he had an online relationship with another woman for years, we’ve lived in our house for 10 years, started refurbing it and we still live in a house that is half a building site - all because he can’t be bothered. Everything is too much to ask, but after tonight, I don’t feel I can leave him alone with the children anymore.
I want to end our relationship, but I don’t know how to - my head is all over the place worrying about work, can I afford to live as a single mum, the unfinished house, etc I’ve even thought of packing up everything with the kids and leaving when he’s at work, but I have nowhere to go and that move could set off some high emotions with family whereas I want them to believe it was a joint amicable split. Somebody please tell me where I can go to get support in order to do this properly. I’ve written a list of all the issues with him. So much happens in this house with him all the time, but I am not confident enough to speak up and I have cognitive issues whereby I can’t always explain or remember my concerns so when I try to address them, he thinks I’m making it up.

Have you thought about what would happen when he has your DS for contact?

Future contact with DS isn't the thing to focus on right now.

OP are you married or not? House owned or rented? Who's names? Do you work - get any UC - get DLA for DS?

Why do you want your family to believe it is an amicable split.
If you tell your family the truth perhaps they will help and support you. If he is being abusive towards his son, he will be less able to have him without supervision.
You owe this to you children. It is their lives he is destroying and if they feel you failed to protect them, might resent you in later life.
Your DS having accidents could have a lot to do with your partners reactions to them. He might have them anyway but at least won't be abused for it.

The family court system has changed so there is no presumption contact is in the child’s interest. The child’s view will be taken into consideration and, depending on his age, he may be deemed able to decide he wants no contact.

Both children don’t want to live with their Dad and OP needs to take that seriously.

You need to let go of caring what your family think of why you leave. That is helping to keep your children living with a frightening and abusive man.

Honestly start doing some of the DIY yourself its not that hard. Start easy and build up.

Turn2us has a calculator that let's you work out what benefits you can claim.

people will be aling with better advice.... you 100% should leave though.

As i told my mum "at what price freedom?"
Everything comes at a cost. We left with pretty much nothing - it was still better than the alternative and I know she regrets noy leaving sooner.

If you need tike to plan....
Start making a plan now and aim to be done by either easter or when school breaks in summer latest.

Personally id want to be out earlier so my dd can focus on gcses rather than be terrorised in her own home.

Is your son getting help for his incontinence? He should be being seen by an incontinence clinic.

You need to make a plan. Work out your financial
situation. Your income, whether you are entitled to any benefits,( citizen’s advice bureau can help and there’s a website called ‘what am I entitled to). What you will get from sale of the house. If youngest is your partner’s son, you will be entitled to child maintenance based on his income.

Then look at local rents and see what you can afford. Start applying and then leave. You can look at buying when the house is sold. Or he can buy you out. Or you can buy him out and you can still live there.

I take it you are not married which makes leaving much easier.

Firstly, you are a very brave lady. You have tsken the first steps to escaping this abuse. You’ve recognised you need to separate and you recognise you have to protect your children before more emotional damage is done.
Financially you will be fine. The house renovations can wait (he’s not going to do them anyway.) Right now your children are more important. Don’t let him put them through this any longer. Some damage has already been done to them, don’t allow anymore.
You need to tell him to leave. Is the house in your name? Contact Women’s Aid for advice.
If you are in any doubt of physical violence please make sure you have someone with you when you tell him.
Well done you, you’re taking the first step to a happier life for you and your precious children.

1. stop thinking so much and start doing. You and your children ARE victims of domestic abuse, time to go.
2. tell your family about this abuse, abusers thrive on your silence.
3. realise you are desensitised to how bad and scary this is for your kids, I feel sick thinking they were left with him going on like that
4. believe you will be ok. You can be a single mum just the same as the rest of us, it’s doable and you will do it well.
5. know that there is a better life than this, get him out today and let your kids relax in their home without fear. How good will that be! Protect your children op, you can do it!

i left my abusive husband years ago but only when he was arrested for assault and I wish I had gone years before this. Years are wasted life. What kept me there was I couldn’t see how I could leave him. How would I survive where would I live.

we were so in debt etc. I walked out £20k in debt and no home but step by step it got better. I had no kids but did stay with friends, found a room, lived on a strict budget to get solvent again.

are there friends or family that once you tell them what is happening could help? Once people know people will support you. You will be surprised how much help you will get.

after I left despite being pretty skint and living in a shoe box for a while - the peace was amazing. No worrying about what I was going to face at home each day. Utter relief.

Get through Christmas, grit your teeth and resolve that this is the last one.

Abusers want to separate you from your support network. They are really clever at doing it too.
Are you worried your family will say "I told you so"? If so then straight off ask for help and say you wished you had listened to them (you don't have to mean it) that way they are more likely to help you.

Use this time to work out your finances, as PPs have said do you stay in the family home or move out.
Seek help for your children especially your son, maybe his toilet issues will improve when the stress at home is gone.

Do try to keep secret any plans you make. Get copies of bank accounts etc and store them safely.
I very much doubt this horrible man will stick around to be a Disney Dad.

I really hope you get things sorted out. Other posters will have more relevant advice.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. Just to clarify, son has ASD and is under the hospital for his accidents - they have deemed it behavioural as it happens mostly when he’s relaxed, watching tv or playing on his tablet. He had a compaction issue years ago and it’s started from that. I receive DLA for him.
Me and partner are not married, been together for 12 years. I’m actually widowed. Joint mortgage on our house.
I have sat down on many occasions to research everything should we leave. The only way I could survive is if I bought the house we live in. I know that my daughter who is currently going through some health issues (endometriosis) would be happier with him not around. It’s actually finding the courage and right time to end things. My daughter is aware that I intend to end it after Christmas, and I’ve asked her to be strong with me until that time comes. I’m just not intelligent enough to explain myself properly without (believing) him or others will think I’m making it up. I know this is an abusive situation but I honestly do believe he doesn’t realise this.
I have no fear of violence as he isn’t a violent person, he doesn’t drink or smoke and works hard but he has no social life and doesn’t want to do anything. He says he loves me, but I know there is no respect for me. He has a difficult year coming up with a terminal ill father but I know this is no reason to stay. But my head is just so messed up, only a couple of people know about this and one person has offered their home as an escape should we need it but that person has a strong link to the family which could cause issues for her (in my opinion).
My apologies as well, I’m not too savvy on the short abbreviations so forgive me if I ask.
Thankyou all again.

You are subjecting your daughter to abuse from her step parent, you don’t have time to worry about what the family thinks. It doesn’t matter what they think, but it will matter a great deal to you what your children think when they are old enough to understand what is going on. Your priority is to bet your children out of this. Get help from women’s aid and contact your council about housing.