My partner/ex probably has ADHD

[Bettsy123]

You all seem to put me straight when I'm in a muddle! 🙃

I used to date a guy when I was in my late teens/early 20s and we were in completely different places with our lives, I ended up moving away for work and we decided to end things (amicably).

Years later and we met again by chance; both have children (myself 1, he has 2). He is LOVELY, really cares about me and I feel comfortable and everything is great. Daily life would be so good.

But this isn't the issue: I'm not willing to just move in for it to be good. If im in front of him it's a dream.

He is suspected to have ADHD, but not diagnosed (and after reading lots of things- it's pretty obviously that he has traits). After 6 months of dating he falls off the earth.

Hes stressed out with a high work load and change in routine and suddenly me and the relationship aren't a priority and for a few weeks I'm completely in the dark and its like I don't exist.

I was extremely hurt and let down. This is someone who dropped everything to be by my side when I was poorly in hospital months into dating and who has so many amazing traits. But when something gets difficult for him he bottles it up and closes down and doesn't communicate any of it to me.

He ticks so many boxes and is genuinely a lovely person.

But his life is a f**king mess. I am very much if there is a problem then we chat and we sort it. He is a 'lets go quiet and bury my head in the sand, ignore everyone and hope it blows over. And I want a relationship where I have someone who I can hash things out with and to be there at my side.

He had some difficulties with work and managing life and he didn't tell me anything about it even when I asked. He would moan about certain things although he done nothing to make his situation better and I had enough about being in the dark and feeling disrespected.

I ended things a couple of months ago and realised how much his anxiety was rubbing off on me and how frustrated with the situation I was becoming.

We haven't properly spoke in a while, then we were back in contact and I have said that he needs to get a handle on his life (echoing much of what I expressed when we ended). He says he knows and is willing.

I am scared that I am going to give him a chance and then feel bottom of the priority list when life gets hard once again. I know this is me looking at the potential and that the reality of what we had went south pretty quick because of a lot of issues he needs to address.

I see the options as:

1. stay away, take the time and the relationship is over.

2. He is assessed for ADHD, goes to therapy (which I think he will), medication possibly and we work on things- it could work out really good- or I could be wasting my time.

Anyone with any success stories with ADHD and relationships??

I have adhd so does my husband
we’ve never done this to each other. We are happily married, both hold down good jobs, and our lives aren’t a mess. We never and have never disappeared and made the other feel like they weren’t a priority. Certainly things can be harder for us at times but it’s nothing like you describe.
adhd or not is this really how you want to live.

If he knows he needs to get a handle on his life why doesn’t he just do it? why don’t you let him do it and tell him to come back to you if/when that happens. You don’t need to be there in a relationship with him whilst that happens if that’s apparently a deal breaker for you.

He sounds avoidant predominantly. I think you’re excusing his behaviour with a diagnosis he doesn’t have. Are you reading too much into a possible explanation and ignoring a behavioural choice?
The ghosting when you get close is not something that you can change but you can protect yourself and stay away. Or you’ll just keep getting hurt.
Look at his actions not his words. If he’s done nothing to sort out the mess by now, then he won’t and you’ll be dragged back into it. Definitely don’t move in.

Stop blaming ADHD (or potentially imagined ADHD). Part of the time he’s your ideal man and part of the time he very much isn’t. This is who he is. You have to either willingly accept the whole of him or don’t get involved. He doesn’t sound compatible with you. Getting an ADHD diagnosis and having therapy and trying stimulants isn’t going to ‘fix’ him.

Like the poster above, I have adhd as does my husband and we’ve never done this to each other. We are happily married, both hold down good jobs, and our lives aren’t a mess.

A diagnosis and medication are unlikely to solve these issues

Do not bring such a man into your life, let alone your child’s life. He is no good for either of you and in relationship terms he is very much avoidant. This is who he is and when someone shows you who they are it pays to listen. His life is a mess and in addition he cannot adult and runs away when life gets difficult. He will become your head wrecker if you are fool enough to get at all romantically involved with him.

You could be completely barking up the wrong tree re ADHD also. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be helped or saved.

In fact, they might make it worse, if he has something on which to 'put the blame' for his sketchy behaviour. 'I can't help it, I have ADHD!'

My recently now ex partner is currently awaiting a diagnosis for suspected AuDHD (we were told it could be over 6 months until we get one).

I had been in a relationship with her for several years but in past 2 years saw her gradually get worse and worse.

Becoming super fixated on her interests and shutting herself off from both myself and our child (the sole reason I stayed as long as I did) and would refuse to do anything we suggested to do as a family or help out with things around the house. When asked questions she would answer in 1 or 2 words and that’s if we were lucky. She would also regularly stop taking her medication, and would refuse CBT.

I would urge you to give a thought about what you’re potentially entering into.

I have ADHD. Medication is not an instant fix, it takes months to find the right one and the right dose and you can still be tweaking this years later or for your whole life. Adult waiting lists for assessment in the UK are years long. The vast majority of adults also stop taking medication within 2 years of starting it, statistically. I'm sure that for some that is because they genuinely prefer the way they feel without medication and feel they can manage well without. But for many it will be related to the same patterns of difficulties and disorganisation and denial and not really dealing with their ADHD that they've been living all along.

Medication also helps improve the performance of some of the brain systems which don't work properly but they won't magically undo decades of learned behaviour and bad habits or trauma experienced as a result of having ADHD, and they don't undo the effects of having lived those behaviours and habits either. They don't clear your debts, grant you qualifications and experience you don't have, clean your house, fix your health, repair your relationships. The person with ADHD has to do all of that themselves with the disadvantage of having started late, and even with medication, they still have ADHD. It's hard to sort that kind of mess out.

I am not saying that everyone with ADHD will be a terrible relationship prospect, I hope I am not, I did split up from DC1's father and have been with DH nearly 12 years now, we have 2 more DC and are happy, but I think people are right to say think very carefully and be extremely cautious about this relationship. There are three children involved who could stand to get very hurt if things go badly. It doesn't sound at all like he is in a good place for a relationship and it doesn't sound like it's what you're looking for in a relationship and it could be a very long time or never before he gets there. It might be different if there weren't children involved and you didn't want any. Could you be a friend from a less-involved distance? Or would that be too hard? I do think it's important to put stability first for your DC, and he probably needs to spend some time focusing on what would create stability for himself and his own DC, which probably isn't a new(ish) romantic relationship. Sorry.

Eh this isn't ADHD so don't take off that to supposedly cover rude behaviour. Not only do I work with ADHD people I live with some and this guy is not that at all. He may have someonelse, he may be half hearted but I wouldn't want him for sure

Oh look another adhd bashing thread. How wonderful.

STOP BLAMING NEURODIVERSITY ON PEOPLE BEING SHITTY PEOPLE.

It's not an ADHD bashing thread, it's a relationship advice thread. There are red flags all over the OP even if you scrubbed all mention of ADHD from it.

She didn't actually say have met wonderful bloke but has ADHD - should I bin him?

She also didn't say have met useless bloke but maybe this uselessness is due to ADHD so should I stick with him in case it gets better?

OP didn't even link anything described in the OP to ADHD specifically apart from maybe insinuating that her bloke's tendency to drop interest after ~6 months could be related, which it might, certainly difficulty prioritising can be an ADHD related issue. Other than that it sounds like it's incidental although it may well be the root cause of general stuff like "life is a mess" "difficulty managing work and life" and let's face it, "sticks head in sand" is not exactly an uncommon coping strategy in the late diagnosed, is it? And she's hoping that maybe looking into the ADHD stuff will help him get into a more stable place in the future. Which it might. But the most significant bit of info from the OP is that he's very much not in a good stable place now, which is kind of when she needs him to be if she wants to have a relationship, and in general, waiting around for someone to get their shit together, whether they have a legitimate reason to have their shit all over the place or not, is not a good plan in a relationship. It would be the same if he was e.g. recently widowed and a bit all over the place emotionally due to that, it's not writing him off forever as a lost cause. It's not necessarily his fault that the timing isn't right but the timing is probably not right judging only by the OP.

And in general, if someone has ADHD and they do not have their shit together, it's not especially likely to be a quick process for that to happen. That is not ADHD bashing. It is a disorder that makes it hard to keep your shit together. It's unrealistic to think oh right well if someone's problems are caused by ADHD and you find out it's ADHD, everything will just be rosy from then on. It doesn't work like that in reality.