Very confused - do I leave

[SparklyFog]

Apologies in advance for the length of this.

I have been with my fiancé for approx 8 years now. Both between 30-35. In the start it was amazing, that undeniable can’t keep your hands off each other spark. This lasted for a few years.

Fast forward a little and a medical problem took intimacy off the cards for a while. Not an issue, presumed everything would go back to normal however, it hasn’t. He refuses to get checked and sort this, meaning he’s now in pain fairly often throughout the year. Around this time he also got a job working from home which resulted in him doing very little and struggling to sleep. Intimacy is off the cards and we no longer sleep together because he’s not tired and I wake him making noises as I sleep. I’ve brought up many times over the years that this upsets me and I feel like we’re house mates not in a relationship and he says will work on it, and he does for a short period then it goes right back to normal. I keep thinking the situation will change, he will get a new job and change, he will stop being in pain etc etc.

Fast forward to now. I ended up being a bit flirty with a guy at work. Nothing has happened and also never would. He lives miles away, this isn’t about him, but the flirting has made me remember what it used to be like with my fiancé. Now I am questioning everything and wondering if I’ve continually made excuses for my fiancé.

He never wants to go out, says his favourite thing is staying in with me (which means him on his games) and me watching or upstairs. Not what I’d call quality time but worded to make me feel bad complaining. He “doesn’t understand” date nights. If we go out it’s always with other friends, never just us.

He used to make me feel incredible, I’ve told him I miss compliments, but still nothing. He made next to no effort for my last birthday. We’ve been engaged nearly 2 years and have yet to book a single thing for the wedding. We have half planned it but never quite booked anything. Not sure if that a subconscious decision by me, but he hasn’t pushed or cared too much. I do all the life admin - bills, shopping, washing, cleaning. His help to the house is to cook which he’s also started doing less and less.

I don’t know if I’m blinded by the idea of a bit of fun flirting or if I’ve actually being lying to myself for years. The idea of leaving after so long is so scary but I don’t know if it’s what’s right.

Opinions please.

Leave. Be grateful you are not married!

Do you want kids? There's tons of threads on here about sexless marriages and most of them started like yours and things never improved. You are young RUN op!

Get out now whilst you can.
He’s reverted to type so unless you fancy celebrating your silver wedding with this unimaginative dullard, kick over the traces and get back in the saddle.
Life is too short …

RFTH and don’t look back

And you want to marry him because ............?

I think I’m still clinging on to the relationship we used to have a few years ago and hoping somehow we magically get back to that point. That man was everything I wanted.

I can’t escape the guilty feeling of not being happy.

There's no spark,no sex,no fun at your age, I want all of that and I'm 75. Finnish with him.

Magic isn't real OP. Don't cling onto that and let your life slip by.

Do you really want to spend your life watching him game? And no sex?

You won't get back that honeymoon period. What you see is what you get.

How did this end up? Are you happy now?

You only have one life.

Feeling guilty is probably inevitable when considering ending things with someone you have shared so much with.

It is a horrible feeling and people do all kinds of self-destructive things just to try to keep it at bay (including staying in relationships and marrying the wrong person).

However, there are times when facing up to the guilt and accepting it and making a hard choice anyway is needed. For one thing, it is probably kinder to your fiance for you to be honest with him as staying with him out of guilt when you're unhappy is not likely to lead to a good outcome for him and is just enabling him to continue in his bad habits now. For another, it is kinder to yourself to be honest about what you are and are not prepared to put up with in your future.

Maybe your fiance could change for the better but it doesn't sound like he has the incentive to do so at the moment as his own wants and needs seem to be coming first and he isn't feeling any negative repercussions from that in his life. It is also possible that he's been genuinely changed by his physical health experiences and is no longer able or willing to be the person and partner he used to be. Perhaps he is very stuck in a rut, depressed, anxious, or has accepted that this is the best life can get. Is this what you want to accept?

Of course the grass isn't always greener and leaving any long-term relationship is a risk and a challenge in many ways. Whatever you decide to do though, I hope you don't let guilt rule you. Perhaps ask yourself what other emotions you feel as well as guilt, and what each of those different parts of you would say if they could give you advice.

Your relationship is over. Why don't you value life? You can't if you're happy to throw yours away on this selfish and thick man. Doesn't understand date nights my foot.

Leave him. Everyone deserves to be happy and you are clearly not happy in this relationship. A sexless relationship is possible, but requires agreement and a means to meet physical and emotional needs of both. It sounds like your fiance isn't meeting either your physical needs or your emotional needs, this won't work. Pre marriage should be one of the most exciting and happy periods of your relationship. You should feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman alive, if not he's not for you. In short end it now.