Ending a marriage when you are the preferred parent

[UjNev]

Posting with a namechange as I post fairly regularly, and I would really like to hear from anyone who's been in a similar position.

Together for 7 years with 2DC (5 and 3) and I have been unhappy for quite a while now, I haven't felt valued or appreciated and there is an unfair division of labour particularly in the early mornings with the children), plus there is no intimacy at all (no sex for 2 years, and physical and emotional closeness outside of the bedroom is practically zero too. DP is very avoidant attachment wise so this is nothing new, but I'm finding the total lack of closeness unbearable now)

If a friend described this to me I would advise them to leave their marriage. The problem is DS1, who has preferred me very strongly almost for his whole life (starting when he was around 1), and it's never got better or moved to the other parent for a while, like I've read happening in other cases. Even after 5 years, if he has to go anywhere with DP it's meltdown central, he will sit in the room if I'm WFH, follow me around the house, real tears if I go anywhere unexpectedly. I feel like me not being with him half the time would absolutely destroy him, and I can't bear the guilt of even thinking about it - but I feel like I'm getting to the end of what I can bear in the relationship too, which won't be helping him either.

Sorry for the essay. I'd love to know if anyone has ended things in similar circumstances and how it turned out, especially how the children were affected.

@UjNevI had two with the same age gap and stayed for the same reasons as you. I’m not sure I made the right choice..I’ve sacrificed so much of myself. My youngest has just left for uni, getting my ducks in a row to leave. Just trying to pay off the last little bit of the mortgage and waiting for tenants to move out of my rental property. So a different phase of life to you..

If they end up spending time with their dad without you it will be fine.

I had this, but I was the least preferred parent. My relationship with my daughter improved massively after I left her father. Best thing I could’ve done!

OP

re your comment about your DS

"I feel like me not being with him half the time would absolutely destroy him, and I can't bear the guilt of even thinking about it - but I feel like I'm getting to the end of what I can bear in the relationship too, which won't be helping him either"

What are you basing this thought of, "not being with him half the time" on other than your supposition?.

Do you really think that such a man like your current H would at all want his children around him half the week?. Some men state this as well as a means of avoiding paying maintenance. Given that he is doing far less than 50% now within the home I doubt very much this level will at all increase. He's also avoidant and he will in all likelihood continue to avoid.

Your children would be far better off seeing a happier parent overall and both will adapt. Have you ever talked about DS's separation anxiety from you with a health professional like a GP or a developmental paediatrician?.

They’ll be fine. I was the primary carer and preferred parent. ExW left for OW and wanted 50/50. That’s what happened, she suddenly started doing all the things she never did in the marriage (like dealing with sick days, school pick ups etc) and DD now has 2 equally competent parents.

In the circs it sounds highly unlikely he’d go for 50:50 or if he did whether he would maintain it for any length of time.

Same here. ExH did nothing when we were married. Not once did he ever take them out of the house so I could get a break.
It was tricky to start with as he had a very easy life and blamed me for leaving him and making his life harder (ie having to adult).
But he’s learned, he’s a good dad now and we get on fine. He wouldn’t have been if I’d stayed with him and I’d still be miserable.
Kids adapt quickly.

Alternatively he might do 50/50, realise how hard it still is, and revert to weekend dad so you see them more. As long as he’s paying that could work out for you.

Thank you all for the advice. Regarding the separation anxiety, I've never spoken to a professional about it because I've always seen it as a consequence of dp not spending enough time with him in the morning (ds is a very early riser and generally at his happiest and most receptive in the am). I don't know if this opinion has paediatric weight but I've always been fearful of unnecessary medicalisation if that makes sense? I do feel bad for dp as it must be horrible to experience, but at the same time half a decade of being the only one who can play, tears when it's not my turn at bedtime etc, takes its toll in the end.

The lack of connection and engagement from his father might be contributing to this. And as a pp says it’s highly unlikely a disengaged father is going to want 50/50.

Your husband is checked out and is waiting for you to pull the plug.

I’ve always been the preferred parent. My dc were 5 and 2 when their dad and I separated. For awhile they were upset and didn’t want to go to their dads but I think that was mostly because the routine wasn’t consistent - he worked shifts so they never knew when they were going. They are 10 and 7 now and go to their dads EOW and one night a week. I wouldn’t say they love it, but they are used to it. He’s still a disengaged dad and no longer even pays maintenance, doesn’t even have proper beds at his place for them, but has never been remotely interested in increasing contact (although will have them a bit more in the holidays). In fact, earlier this year he was saying the current schedule was too much for him.

I think if separation is inevitable then it’s better to do it when the kids are this age than older. I knew it would be harder on me, which it is, but I don’t think it has been a hugely traumatising experience for the kids. Although I appreciate the disruption of them going back and forth, I do believe it’s better than the alternative. My now 7 year old doesn’t even remember us being together, and the 10 year old’s memories are vague.

I think DP isn't as disengaged as posters are suggesting (school runs and pickups etc are equal), and would want, get, and stick to 50 50, which is the main thing I'm worried about. Selfishly I'd also probably have to change my job and find one closer to where we live, which is another thing holding me back. Ugh I don't know. Thanks to everyone for the advice and experiences

So ds1 is fine with leaving you all day to go to school, but has a meltdown at the prospect of spending time alone with his dad? That's odd, and if want to get to the bottom of that. If it was just separation anxiety at being away from you he'd hate being left at school.

Ultimately I think it's a case of ripping off the plaster, there's no gentle way to work around it.

@jackdunnock Yeah pretty much, school is fine and I go to work before he goes to school twice a week with only minimal upset from ds. But today he's just gone off for a playdate while I stay with ds2 after half an hour of tears and hugging the bottom of my legs. It really is very emotionally draining. I've posted about it a few times on here before at various stages, and it's never really improved and is really starting to get me down.

edit - on reflection I have two separate issues I think - what to do about my unhappy marriage, and what to do about ds1's behaviour around parental preference

I think im coming from tough love here, but surely if he can manage at school without you, he can manage with his dad. Yes his dad needs to step up perhaps in mornings (he'll have to if you seperate) but if you walk away when hes having a meltdown, and leave him with dad i bet he'd settle fine....it would 100% be worse for you (mum guilt is bad i know) but rally he could be just doing it to get his own way.
I understand parental preference wjen one parent has checked out/does naff all but if your OH is taking part in most things it sounds like your lad just wants his own way.
My children have formed wonderful bonds with my partner, facilitated by him playing an active, interested and playful role at any time of the day, facilitated by them choosing him and facilitated by me letting it happen and removing myself for a bit to let the bond grow (10 mins initially playing a board game etc while I do jobs upstairs) now the actively ask for him and want to do stuff with just him. My point being if a relationship like this can flourish, your sons can with his dad but it will take all 3 of you to make it happen