Men who talk too much

[Antimacasser]

I was a member of a philosophy group until earlier this year. Mix of ages genders backgrounds. 2 men, one early 69s the other mid 50s,.dominated discussions and activities to the point where I raised it with the organiser and left when it wasn't addressed.

There wasnt anything overly unpleasant about either person. They did seem to represent a certain type. The 60sthg had this kind of avuncular manner, often referenced his years of life experience in a way that almost.suggested superiority. Talked a lot about how hed bought and decorated houses for his adult daughters.

The 50 sthg constantly, constantly brought philosophical discussions around to his own experiences. Would say "I don't want to humble brag, but" then do so. Clearly a very spcially isolated individual, but kept himself isolated by constantly talking about himself. Very little genuine interest in others. Made me sad to see, but I dont think this is unusual social behaviour from a certain kind of man. Any thoughts?

My mum never stops talking.

Yeah...women do it too.

All behaviour is communication, what do you think they were perhaps communicating? Loneliness, isolation, nervousness, needing to be heard, lacking in social awareness skills, ego, loudmouth etc...

Yes, but when women do it there’s a good reason. Normally, it will be because she needs to vent about men.

When men do it, they’re narcissistic misogynists.

Get with the MN double standards script: Women are saintly, men are shits.

In the case of the 50sthg self referencer, loneliness, a need to be heard and a cognitive dissonance between how they felt the world should receive them amd how it did. In the case of the 60sthg (who also constantly referred to his and others perceived ages), a feeling that he was the equivalent of the African tribal chief, a repository of wisdom and of life experience, he became his age rather than himself.

As a head of department years ago in a school, I used to say, "In my experience... " quite a lot, until someone told me people didn't like it. I got the message and avoided saying that in future.

I think it's a bit sad when men get like this (I'm male); they perhaps don't realise they're pushing people away. They need to have the piss robustly taken, to help them see the error of their ways.

People, eh?

I sit on a board of people where one person does exactly this. And yes, unfortunately a 50 something guy. Completely monopolises the whole meeting. Every. Single. Time

I know plenty of women like this too, it's not just a man thing. I would have thought a philosophy group would attract people who like the sound of their own voices anyway 😂

Perhaps she thinks you dont talk enough.

I find it’s always men of retirement age. They are still of a generation where they are not used to women who take a lead and have probably grown up having women politely hanging on their every word. Ugh. Tiresome.

I just cut across them to the point of rudeness and say “sorry James but I think Sue wanted to come in there… go ahead Sue, I think we’d like to hear an alternative point of view’ - and then do it every single time they pompously monologue. I don’t worry about it being rude. They are so arrogant that it doesn’t phase them, they look confused for a second and then retreat into their misogynist world. They wait for women’s lips to stop moving until they can do it again .

@Antimacasser I don't think it's unique to men.

Maybe what you could have done was say in a semi jokey way. 'Hey, John, let someone else get a word in maybe?'

You were as much at fault for not being assertive. It's odd you've brought up something that happened nearly a year ago and are still upset.

Maybe you need help to learn how to influence situations instead of sitting there quietly (and then writing about it 9 months later.)

Sometimes people who dominate conversations need a gentle prod not to do it.
The group organiser was bad not to address it too.

Why do people talk about themselves at a philosophy group? Isn't it supposed to be more about philosophers and the world as it is now?

Is there not an agenda for the meetings?

Is this a U3A group?

Not sure why this is in Relationships.

It's about a group you attended, not a 'relationship' as such.

Reading your subject line I really thought it was about a man you were dating who was self-obsessed and talked about himself all of the time.

This is not a man/woman thing.

It's a people thing.