I ^know^ I'm being stupid but...

[HelpMeWithThisPlease]

I'm going to start this by saying I know what people are going to say to this. But please consider the wider context when replying.

I'm 50. I lived with childhood abuse that ever stopped and ended up going nc when I was in my 30s.

Without blaming anyone else, because of this I didn't understand myself or other people very well (if I wasn't hit in a relationship I took it that they didn't care enough to he angered by me for far too long and i have/had no real understanding of being loved). And, as a result, had a lot of questionable relationships until I decided to stay single. I met someone about 8 years ago and, after getting to know him for 3+ years, we finally got together. He is a decent man.

So my first serious relationship - I was late teens - he adored a particular actress and wouldn't have sex with me because it 'felt wrong' because of that. I ended it.

My second serious relationship in my 20s - I didn't realise until after we'd married that the reason I hadn't met his friends for a couple of years was because he was ashamed of me because I wasn't beautiful. He was comparing me to a particular actresses who I could never compare to. We went on holiday and he bought a dvd of a particular film with this actress in it and, when we got home from the holiday, he went straight round to his friend's house so he could watch the film as they were both 'in love' with her. I spent our whole relationship not being good enough for him and him resenting me for it.

More recently, before I dated this man I went out with another man who did similar. Was constantly comparing me to actresses and would say things like "She's the same age as you. Look at her. Why don't you look like that?"

Because of this, I've never been able to see crushes on celebrities as 'harmless'. They have always had a negative impact on my relationships.

So back to now.

My partner and I started thing to a festival together when we were first friends. Last year, we didn't go because the previous couple of years it had been a bit rubbish. Not just acts but the whole festival has changed and neither of us particularly enjoyed it. It wasn't me who said I didn't want to go again and he was quite definite about this.

This year, there is someone performing who he once told me he fancied. He hasn't mentioned this. I know because I've had stuff come up about the festival on fb.

Despite saying he never wanted to go again,he has decided he's going next year. I said I didn't want to go for all the reasons we'd decided not to go again last year. He is talking about probably not going again after next year but he wants to, in his.words, give it a chance. Basically, he's only going because he wants to see this woman.

Part of the reason for not going is that the price has doubled in the last couple of years and he isn't happy to pay that. But now seeing this woman in the flesh is suddenly worth it.

I now don't know if I can continue the relationship. I'm not going to make a fuss or make him feel bad for going. And I know she isn't going to be interested in him. I just don't want the stress or the sadness or to feel like a bargain bucket consolation prize anymore.

Please make this OK for me. Thank you.

Well you're not being stupid, you've been treated quite badly.
However I'm not really sure your current partner has behaved liked these other nasty previous partners.
There is someuncertainty over the festival, he liked some woman who is going to be there?
It does sound like you're projecting what these other men did onto him?How do you know he's only going to see this woman.Speak to him tel him how you feel?

He can see her as many times as he likes as a tiny dot on a stage behind a sea of heads and phones held aloft. It doesn't mean he's going to have a rampant and passionate affair with her?!

The guy who refused you sex due to a crush on a celebrity was clearly unhinged and possibly had some very traumatic hang ups regarding sex. And used the crush as an excuse.

Please just try and be rational. If you start to get 'jealous' about it your partner could quite rightly think it's not fair for you to impose your past anxieties on him. As he's literally done nothing wrong.

Honestly, OP, while I absolutely sympathise as a fellow-survivor of childhood abuse I’m still dealing with the consequences of in my 50s, I think it’s deeply strange for you to have found so many men with actress crushes! Probably normal in your teens, but as adults I think it suggests something quite wrong with them.

For comparison, DH, before we got together actually had a brief fling with the now-dead singer of a big band (later far more famous after their brief thing) whom he’d always had a bit of a thing for. It didn’t and doesn’t bother me in the least.

I know because I know him.

He didn't want to go on his own previously, he'd previously have told me who was playing (good and bad) and we'd have talked about going generally. It has got very expensive and doesn't present good value for money plus other reasons he was very definite about not going again. The fact he's talking about not going again afterwards. The fact there are no (other) acts he likes.

It's what's not being said rather than being said because he hasn't actually given a reason for wanting to go other than to 'give it a chance'. Which isn't really like him either. Not when so much money is involved and it was so dire last time.

I agree which is why I posted. And I'm aware of all the things you've said. It's not about what I think might happen (absolutely nothing!) And just about his feelings and what it means for me.

It's just brought up all the past feelings around it.

From what I've been told and read on here it's quite normal.

I've just had enough of dealing with resentment and embarrassment from men when I'm not what they want.

I understand that. It must be hard for those memories to come back. I hope you can try and seperate the situation now from what went on back then. X

I don’t think it’s remotely normal to have teenage-style obsessions with actresses well into middle age! I think you’ve been really, really unlucky in these men!

It doesn’t sound at all normal to me. I don’t think I even know any men who have crushes on actresses (or anyone else for that matter) let alone have been in a relationship with a man like that.

I suspect you must be subconsciously drawn to men like this and that’s why it keeps playing out along these lines.

Really? But women talk about crushes on celebrities/musicians all the tike on here and that they share these with their partners.

And men have crushes/sexual thoughts about women all the time.

I just feel like I'd be a complete fool to just pretend this didn't matter.

So sorry to hear you have had that start in life.

Your previous experiences were quite extreme. Very unfortunate that you encountered several men who had these obsessions with actresses. I think the man who won’t have sex is likely not just his obsession with an actress, there will be more going on there (are you sure he was straight?).

But it does sound like you may be projecting previous experiences. Also, a man finding a singer attractive is not likely to be the only reason he would choose to like a band.

As for man having crushes on actresses, it is normal people will find attractive people attractive. Just see couples who will openly make lists with each other (seems odd to me). But it is unusual to have it bleed into relationships, verbalising comparisons etc. I know men who if you were to ask them the most attractive women they would list people who are now either really old or dead, they are thinking about decades ago. Recognising that attractiveness should not impact existing relationships.

I think you need to separate when someone is engaged in normal behaviour and when it is oddly obsessive. Would be upset if you had a partner who was asked a hypothetical question of who a “celebrity crush” was and they responded Grace Kelly or Elizabeth Taylor? Not that they were constantly comparing you, but that was just there opinion of the most attractive woman they could imagine?

Given your history you may want to be careful not to have the previous bad treatment impact how you are interpreting current situations.

There is a world of difference between having a crush on someone famous (and telling your partner that) and telling your partner you won’t have sex them because it feels weird due to a celebrity crush or lambasting your partner because they don’t look like the celebrity you’re crushing on. The two situations aren’t comparable.

have you told your partner your history with abusive celebrity-obsessed men? If so, maybe he’s trying to protect you by not telling you the reason he wants to go to the festival. I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do but do you think you’d have the same reaction even if he told you?

Do you see a therapist?

Honestly op I’ve never had anything like this and I’ve had a lot of shit relationships for different reason buts not this one

Honestly, I think that’s primarily a joky, inconsequential ‘Are we agreed that in the unlikely event I meet Brad Pitt in a bar and he invites me back to his, you don’t get the hump? And likewise if you randomly encounter Emilia Fox offering you some NSA sex at Wetherspoons on your darts night?’

Not that you crash about the house in your 30s, 40s or 50s mourning that you’re not married to EF or BP, or curl your lip at a new outfit/hair colour because it’s not making your spouse resemble the idol?

I mean, I remember when I was a postgrad student some undergrad friends in a house share having a shrine to Leonardo di Caprio in their kitchen, with fairy lights around it, but it was a joke then too.

It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong, I think your past experiences are making you feel more concerned about this.
I don't think it's usual for adults to obsess over celebrities to the point it impacts their relationship.

There was a band that me and my sister used to love growing up and they did a tour again a few years ago which we went to go and watch. As a teenager I did fancy the singer however it was fun to go and watch them as an adult more because of the good memories, songs and it was just fun ect and not because I was in love with a member of the band.

It is possible he fancied this woman as a celebrity and would like to go and watch her show but I don't think that has to mean he doesn't love you, or respect your relationship.

"‘Are we agreed that in the unlikely event I meet Brad Pitt in a bar and he invites me back to his, you don’t get the hump? And likewise if you randomly encounter Emilia Fox offering you some NSA sex at Wetherspoons on your darts night?’"

It sounds like you have experience with this conversation... 😆😆😆😆

Thanks for the replies and for being so kind!

The first man. It was a long dead actress. I did have thoughts at the time that he might be gay and it was just an excuse.

The second man, the one I married 🙄, after we were married, I picked up a notebook and on the first page there was a list of actresses he and his mate fancied. That was after the holiday episode. I gave it back to him and laughed about it because I was young (we were both in our 20s) and I hadn't put much stock in it but in the resulting conversation, he admitted that that was why he'd never wanted me to meet his friends, hadn't allowed me to ever meet him at work (he worked at a bar through uni in his early 20s) and always walked ahead of me.

I did eventually meet his friends (and had done by that point) but not until they started dating women who didn't look like movie stars either.

The boyfriend before this one was horrible in many ways. Only to me though. A true gentleman to everyone else but he was very clear that it wasn't to be obvious that we were together when we went out.

I've not discussed it with my partner now. It's hard not to overthink it but I think he hasn't said anything because he wants it to be a private thing. I don't know. I guess it's hard to indulge in 'what if ?' fantasies if I know about it.

I also know he hasn't done anything wrong. But I feel how I feel unfortunately.

I think it is very likely that the first man was gay and this all had very little to do with you. It doesn't take away from the impact but it may help to know it was not about you.

I think crushes are normal and people don’t stop noticing attractive people if in a relationship.

The first guy just sounds odd, I do understand the trauma around that but crushes are normal. It’s probably best you don’t discuss them with parters though.