I can’t tell if I’m being over sensitive about husbands joke

[sockfluffblowinginthewind]

During Friday night Christmas drinks with my husbands side of the family my husband delivered his “joke/punchline” about me recently confiding to him some areas I unhappy about within our marriage.

Ive been playing it over and over in my mind since. I feel really betrayed that he spurted out my private feelings in public like that and used it to get a laugh. I’m a really private person so I hated this and dealing with the oncoming questions after. I’ve not spoken to anyone else at all about how I have been feeling.

I’ve not told my husband how I feel yet, I think because I really can’t work out if he did cross an obvious line or if I’m being over sensitive or too private?

not totally sure what I’m asking, but would love some outside perspective.

It depends. If you’ve been moaning/nagging him about him working long hours and he feels upset that he’s working hard to provide and wanted to get his family to give some support and he went about it in a clumsy way OR

If you said to him that you’re growing apart as he’s always working and in his spare time he has hobbies that take him out of the house so that guy hardly see him and he spitefully said to his family that you’re like a broken record always whining about and trying to stop him from enjoying life.

Some idea of the situation would help.

the reaction was mixed. A lot of "you can't leave him, "we won't let you leave", "it can't be that bad", you two love each other too much to split up, he loves you so much. Most were quiet, but the quizzical looks all night were horrendous.

The quietness and quizzical looks were probably because it had suddenly dawned on them that he is not a nice person, and that maybe you have good reason to be thinking about leaving him.

It’s not a work life balance thing. I’m actually the breadwinner. He works part time for his fun money.

it’s not a single thing, just I have felt very unseen and unloved recently. More like a utility than a partner. I’m just very lonely.

What are you getting out of the relationship? Why did you decide to work FT and keep your h? Why is he working PT? How did that come about?

he’s negging you, belittling your feelings, and being a dick.

You’ve had good advice on here. What are you thinking now?

It sounds like he was recruiting others to pressure you into staying.

That he's threatening to hurt himself is a HUGE red flag. It is a classical coercive tactic.

I can understand why you are upset. Most people don't want others to have an insight into any issues in their marriage. These feelings were expressed privately and are things that are seriously bothering you and he's trivialised them but making them into a joke.

we just sort of fell into that pattern. I earn more so it makes sense. I don’t mind, I’m not keen on relying on others so happy to be self sufficient.

I need to spend some time thinking and getting through Christmas I guess. I will read some of the recommendations.

i don’t know if i feel I can trust him to say anything. I need to work out why I feel so bad about being upset by it.

Having watched a friend go through similar, she even managed to leave.
Then he’d convinced her to stay as a couple, but live apart.
He’s got all of his family on board, and most of hers. It’s been awful as a friend to witness.
She says she hasn’t got the energy to put further brakes on. She’s making him lunch on Christmas Day even though last year it was horrific.
He is belittling you. He brings very little to the table. He’s accused you of meeting someone else.
Come on OP you know you are worth so much more. He’s using people you get to you and win sympathy. It’s terrible.
My friend has lost friends as we are all worn out with it, watching him upset her and make light of it. Getting members of her own family to contact her to tell her how worried they are about…. him!
You have a good job and your own life to lead.

OP if anything you're playing it down. He's made a joke out of it so he doesn't have to deal with the issue. I can see what he's getting out of the relationship but fail to see what you are.

Thank you to everyone it has helped a lot to hear outside perspectives.

I’ve got a lot to think about out. Getting through Christmas Day is going to be a struggle. We are hosting most of his family so no doubt lots of awkward moments to come,

He really can be lovely and fun. We have a lot of great memories and I care about him far too much to want to hurt him. He has been doing things to make an effort recently, it’s not all bad, I must make him sound awful.

What a vile thing to do. He thinks your serious concerns about your marriage are funny. He thinks your feelings are joke material. He doesn't take you seriously. He encouraged his family to laugh at you, to laugh at something that is upsetting you.

There is no good way to spin what he did.

I think I'd be saying 'what you said in front of your family, the total lack of respect and care for me, it drilled home my concerns. It also means your family are already aware of the problems, and that has made them more real, and made it easier to get it out in the open. I'm divorcing you.'

Make him realise he made his own situation worse by being a thoughtless uncaring arse.

Love you deserve a lot lot better than this.

Problems happen in a relationship but a trustworthy man doesn't make a joke of them - he respects your feelings even if he doesn't really understand them. He doesnt embarass you by behaving the way this man does.

You are not being oversensitive and I too suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

I cannot for the life of me imagine what this “joke” could possibly be? If any man I was at a family do with said “my wife is sad and lonely and our marriage is on the rocks ha ha ha” who the hell would laugh???? How could that ever be considered a joke? It doesn’t make any sense???!
Dude anybody laugh? It sounds like they were more awkward or worried?

He has betrayed your trust, disrespected you and thought more about getting a laugh at your expense than how you would feel

I am AMAZED that you are now backtracking and excusing him

Hes definitely done a very good number on you 😳🙄

You feel badly about feeling upset because he has, over the years, quietly and inexorably exerted control over you. Its so sad that you can't see this

He ridiculed you in public and encouraged others to laugh at you for you raising concerns about your marriage.

You’re already unhappy. I’d be planning 2026 single!

He's not joking. That's control and humiliation that he calls a joke. Jokes are funny. What he did isn't at all funny.

No abuser is abusive 100% of the time. Abusers hide who they are because no one would be with them if they showed their true colours early on. But you brought up something he didn't like and this is him putting you in your place.

A shit sandwich is still a shit sandwich even if it's only part shit.

He's controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive. He's trying to keep you in a box and squeezing the box tighter and tighter. That's what the public humiliations and accusing you of cheating are about. Read those two books linked above, especially Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Also read Codependent No More in case you think you can fix him.

If a word or phrase is used and it hurts someone, then they aren't acceptable.

I will read the books for sure. I have a lot of things to think over and I’m starting to see some things in a little bit of a different light.

the reaction was mixed. A lot of "you can't leave him, "we won't let you leave", "it can't be that bad", you two love each other too much to split up, he loves you so much. Most were quiet, but the quizzical looks all night were horrendous.
This is such a revealing paragraph, particularly the last sentence. They were embarrassed for you and feel your pain.

I care about him far too much to want to hurt him.
It’s a pity the same can’t be said of him. He’s happy to do it to you, and in public.

The more you write the more you excuse him and the worse it seems to me.
Also accelerating are the unseen notifications of support for my first response to you.

I’m seeing someone using and abusing you OP which is why you feel alone and doubt your judgement.