Hi all,
Have been lingering on this site hoping naively to read about someone in my exact situation, or someone who says something that flicks a switch. Obvs hasn’t happened, so about time I reach out.
Married for 10 years in a loveless but full of care marriage. Or is it. I think we are trauma bonded. No abuse or anything like that, we have had the biggest weight hanging over our entire marriage (cannot out but really not good at all). And it’s had such ramifications on us really from Day 1, and I think now in ways the enormous distraction of it cause me to overlook significant communication issues and issues of incompatibility.
The thing is we didn’t separate and back living in same house (I do not advocate this). We are waiting to sell our house, another year (to avoid paying a lot of tax). So yea the thing is 1) I feel like I cannot even wait that long not from a place of longing for a new life but it’s literally soul destroying (but safe). And secondly I am still terrified, which is just baffling me, I was so strong and independent and the situation and evidence of a lack of actual support day to day I don’t know how to do it. I realise I am in a very fortunate position that we will be able to buy two mortgage free homes - but I still feel terrified, what is with this? I realise most people are not in this situation. I think being separate from my kids is the underlying issue but I know being here makes me feel intensely guilt for the crap example we are setting (mostly silence). I just can’t get past what this fear is or why it feels so wrong and I feel so guilty and shameful and incompetent, even though my marriage has been dead in the water turkey for over 5 years.
it’s like I have changed and don’t recognise who I am that I am so fearful. I think perhaps living in an isolated place and cause me to lose sight of the world and it’s computed the fear.
I have a therapist who knows I know what I have to do. Has anyone else felt like this?
just another weird Christmas, fine on the surface but it’s all a lie. We are both good people but it has not worked out. We have incredible kids who love our family but I think the eldest notices.