Please help me to make sense of this.

[JustALittleBitConfused]

OK. I'm going to start by saying that I'm autistic and was diagnosed many years ago. As a result, I'm aware that I'm lacking in some aspects of normal life development. My parents weren't understanding or supportive and were very critical and negative. I wasn't supported in my understanding of other people and received 'no one will ever love you' and 'it's no wonder that people don't like you' type comments many times over the years.

I've tried but always struggled with relationships and friendships because of this. One of the most damaging things I was told was told was that if I was lucky and behaved myself, I might find a man who would settle for me when he realised he couldn't get the sort of woman he really wanted. It is this that I still struggle with the most and have ended nearly every relationship I've ever started because I'm not perfect, I can't be perfect and I can't be 'everything' someone would want. Because of this, I believe I've been settled for and never feel good enough.

I would love nothing more than to have a loving, mutually respectful relationship and I have a partner now but I don't see how it is possible when you're not what someone would have chosen if they could have.

I've posted here because I find it helpful to hear a range of responses.

Thank you

I would love nothing more than to have a loving, mutually respectful relationship and I have a partner now but I don't see how it is possible when you're not what someone would have chosen if they could have.

So you do have a partner now? How is this relationship? Does he love you for who you are? Are you compatible?

I would love nothing more than to have a loving, mutually respectful relationship and I have a partner now but I don't see how it is possible when you're not what someone would have chosen if they could have.

What does s/he say about you?

It sounds as though "if I was lucky and behaved myself, I might find a man who would settle for me when he realised he couldn't get the sort of woman he really wanted" has really stuck in your head and is messing up your enjoyment of life.

I mean, everyone struggles with this idea, especially nowadays where clever, brilliant, talented, articulate, beautiful people are shoved in our face wherever we look. It's hard not to wonder why my life partners, including DH, didn't just wait for something better to come along. He insists there is no such thing, because we're so compatible.

If you get along and enjoy each other, stop worrying about not being perfect. No one is! But if you don't get along particularly well and feel you've just settled for the first person who will put up with you, you need to banish that idea once and for all.

If you are happy in your relationship, then mentally delete all the negative comments you have been given over the years. Live life for you, not for other people.

He says I'm perfect. But i know I'm not because no one is. So that is a lie. And I wonder what else is a lie.

I feel like I can't trust him.

I have no idea what, if anything, he likes about me because all I can see is the things I am not.

Have you ever had counselling/ therapy to talk about this? I suspect your rational self knows they were talking bollocks. I know my rational self knows my mother said things that were really about her and things she'd been through and never addressed. And yet, here I am in my 50s, single and childless, so in the dark hours of the night, my emotional self wonders if she was right- and if my own mother didn't like me, why would anyone else?

I thought I had found someone. He had his own ghosts to deal with, though. I am absolutely fine on my own mostly. I understand why my mother was as she was. I don't think I'm that bad a person. I have a lot of friends. I do lots of things in my spare time and don't have to consider others in my planning. I'm definitely in a better position than friends who have been in abusive relationships. I still feel out of place sometimes like last night at a party, with friends I've known over 30 years, but it was very coupley/family oriented.

I've never been diagnosed as sutistic but I work in an area of IT where neurodiversity is the norm rather than otherwise, and I fit in (other than not having a penis.)

You have been subject to abuse from your parents which has completely ruined your self esteem.

And you are potentially ruining a good thing because of them.

No-one is perfect but maybe he means you are perfect for him? I don't think that means he is being deceptive, just that he loves and accepts you as you are.

Your parents were abusive and that is bound to have effected your self-esteem. I would definitely consider some therapy to talk about your childhood and the issues you face.

Just also wanted to say - you sound like a decent and thoughtful person who is very hard on yourself. You are important, deserving of love and you matter. Take care of yourself lovely 💐

You are placing the fucked up ideas and abuse you got from your mum and dad on to your partner, because unfortunately you have learned that's what love and relationships are like. They don't have to be. But first you need to let your partner be their own person and not answer for the mistakes of your parents. He's got nothing to do with them or their strange ideas. And tbh by now neither do you. You can choose differently.

You don't need to take on or believe these thoughts you have learned to think; it's a bad habit, that's all - you can name them for what they are, put them aside, and go on with your own life. You really can do this. You can.

Ok, fellow autistic person here. You and I won't ever be able to grasp it intuitively but it's possible to grasp it intellectually - the world is not black and white. Yes, there are no perfect people but that doesn't mean your partner is not telling the truth. Both facts can co-exist.

Just because you can see things that you are not, doesn't mean your partner can. I've been told people are quite unique in their thinking and I can't expect everyone to see the world in the same way I do.

So, my approach is - if you tell me I am perfect and you love me more than life itself, I will live as if it was absolute truth until I hear otherwise.
Therapy was really helpful to make sense of this.

That's what I find difficult though.

When he has said anything nice, my head is filled with all the things I've been told before. It's exhausting trying to keep the thoughts out and as soon as I stop one another comes. I can stop one or two but not them all. There's too many.

It's easier to just put a stop to it altogether.

Those comments that were said to you in the past are not true, they were just abusive and a reflection on the incredibly insensitive and unkind nature of the person saying it.

You really should seek out therapy to help you get over this feeling that you're not enough or aren't good enough to be loved.

Is your partner kind, caring, do you like sharing things and doing things together? Do they respect you and you respect them despite their faults and quirks? If so then you're in a good relationship. So please don't sabotage it because of the cruel remarks people said about you in the past.

This is why counselling could help - to work through it (it's about them, not you,) and to find strategies which help you counter the negative thinking so it becomes less exhausting over time.

Yes, either counselling, or maybe look into hypnosis? I've found hypnosis frankly miraculous for phobias; maybe worth a shot here? Because it re-trains your brain. Just a thought.

But I think i would try having a deep discussion about it with your DP first. Pick a time when neither of you is rushed, tired, etc. I wonder if s/he really understands how you feel? And once they do understand, they can hopefully help you.

Good luck!

Maybe you're perfect for him - it's not a lie then, is it? You're being too black and white about what he is saying IMO - typically autistic of course!

Why don't ask him to write all the things he likes about you and put them in a jar. Then when you're having a moment you can go and read one BUT you have to take it at face value. Then you have to tell yourself it every time you look in the mirror.

You need to keep telling yourself the new comments until you rewrite your thinking and instead of thinking of all the old horrible comments all the time you start to think of and believing the new comments. Of course this will take time as those other comments didn't get there in 5 minutes! Get him to add to the jar as things occur to him as well.

Then maybe do a jar for him too!

Thank you for the suggestions.

The problem is that I don't think I'd believe him. He has told me some things he likes about me but they don't feel like important things. Or enough.

We knew each other for a few years before we got together. He told me a few years ago that he'd admired the way I handled a situation during that time where I clearly felt vulnerable and uncertain but showed resilience and strength of character. That seemed to me to be an odd thing to say. I feel like that a lot of the time and it's not a positive. I'd never leave the house or do anything if I didn't constantly challenge myself or develop strategies to manage life.

He told me he likes that I'm knowledgeable and passionate about things. These things are my 'special interests' and I retain almost everything I've ever read on something I'm interested in. But I know that its tiresome and irritating to others when I talk about them but I don't realise I'm doing it until after it's passed. And then sometimes I feel embarrassed or too much and take myself away for a while to give them break. It's not a positive.

But to me, these seem like reasons you'd like someone as an occasional friend or admire a character in a book or a film. But also reaaons you'd want to keep someone at a distance. They're not reasons you'd fall in love with someone or find them physically attractive. Or want to spend time with them.

We like the same sort of films and enjoy the same sort of pastimes- eg we have a shared interest in history, music and walking. But I don't feel we have much fun together. We used to but I've become very small and my world has become very small recently.

He came out with me and some of my friends a few weeks ago and I could see him change in their company. He was laughing, being a bit cheeky - like he used to be with me - entertained and entertaining but we don't have that anymore.

When we were out with my friends, I went to the loo, to the bar, stood out the front on my own for a bit to give him chance to enjoy himself and be himself and I also feel I need to give everyone a bit of a break from me at times because I'm either too much or not enough.

I don't mask around him at all anymore and spend a lot of time on my own being quiet. Sometimes, I leave the room when he comes in because I can't cope with being around anyone else and because I feel so sad and ashamed of who I am and how I feel about myself and because I do believe he's settled for me.

I actually prefer it when we go out with my friends because they can give him what I can't.

I have no idea what, if anything, he likes about me because all I can see is the things I am not

That’s because your parents are abusive twats - not because it’s true.

You need therapy and to be much, much kinder to yourself.

I guess you maybe take things literally because of your autism but when your dp says “you’re perfect” he means you’re perfect to him. No one is perfect you are correct. My Dh says that to me too even when I’m due on and have been horrible to him! He loves me despite my faults, and I love him despite his.

Please try to block out the negative voices and accept the love your dp is trying to give you if he is a good man.

When you truly love someone, I believe, you love all parts of them, the good bits and their flaws. My husband is not perfect but I still love him for who he is and would not change him. I dont want perfect, nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. In German they say, every pan has its lid.

(Flaws- Obviously this does not apply to abusive behaviours.)

The problem is that I don't think I'd believe him. He has told me some things he likes about me but they don't feel like important things. Or enough.

I think a lot of us feel this way about ourselves OP, and for similar reasons! Don't let it ruin the quality of your time together, like moping off when you're out with friends because you feel "either too much or not enough." Somehow you have to think of yourself as fine, OK as you are. Otherwise you're placing the whole burden of proof on him, which is not fair as he can never provide you with the reassurance you crave.

But I don't feel we have much fun together. We used to but I've become very small and my world has become very small recently.

You sound depressed, actually. I know it's a cliche but increasing activity levels, especially at this time of year, can really help. I'd suggest setting yourself a 30-day goal, like this one:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEs9dX8UXFZpezpFe_xfN6KCTImjTXf3u

Thank you. I used to do yoga but they closed the place near me and I stopped going. I'll look at that.

Your parents have really done a number on you. What they have said is incredibly hurtful and not true. I wonder if some counselling might help you unravel what they have said, and help you trust what your partner is telling you.