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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me (24F) and my boyfriend (32M) are distant and going through a rough patch due to parental loss and financial stress. Advice Needed.

34 replies

haileybabey · 20/12/2025 22:21

Me (24F) and my boyfriend (32M) have been together for about 6 months now and I am feeling distant lately and we are going through a rough patch. A lot of it seems tied to financial stress, physical exhaustion, and grief related to losing his dad about 10 years ago, and I’m struggling to understand how to support him without neglecting my own emotional needs.

For context, on November 19th he was let go from his second job, which was his main source of income. He already had a new job lined up, but it didn’t start until December 9th, and he had already given his smaller job his two weeks’ notice. This left him unable to make money for about a week or two. On top of that, he currently owns a car that isn’t very reliable and still owes money from a car accident years ago involving a car that wasn’t his.

Since around November 22nd, he’s been having a really hard time mentally and emotionally.

We did have an argument one night about money. He feels a strong need to provide for me, even though we don’t live together and I make my own money. That argument has been resolved, but I can tell money is still weighing heavily on him.

This time of year is also especially difficult for him because he lost his father about 10 years ago, just a couple of days before Christmas. Recently, he’s been opening up more about how that loss still affects him, especially the feeling of lost time and memories.

His new job has been extremely physically demanding. Almost every night after work he tells me how sore and exhausted he is. We’ve made several plans over the past couple of weeks, but he’s had to cancel some of them because of how tired he is. We also live in the Midwest, and the cold weather makes it harder to come up with easy, low-effort date ideas.

I sometimes feel like he cancels because he’s worried we’ll spend money if we hang out, even though I’ve reassured him multiple times that we don’t need to spend money. We can stay in, play video games, or watch movies.

Tonight we’re supposed to hang out and go to a small local concert. He had seemed excited about it recently, but today he’s been a bit vague about timing, saying he’s sore and running errands and is gonna chill after errands. He said he was not sure when and it would probably be later. I’m scared he’s going to flake, and it’s bringing up a lot of anxiety for me. I’m also anxious that he’s not going to want to stay the night either.

Another layer to this is timing, our 6-month anniversary is tomorrow. The emotional closeness around that milestone matters to me, especially given how distant we’ve been lately.

I know a lot of this likely has to do with grief, stress, and exhaustion, and I truly empathize with what he’s going through. At the same time, I’ve been feeling emotionally disconnected from him for about a month now, and it’s been really hard. We had sex for the first time in early November (it was my first time ever), and the emotional distance afterward has been especially difficult for me to process.

I don’t want to pressure him or make his grief or stress worse, but I also don’t want to ignore my own feelings.

My questions are:

How can I support my boyfriend who is grieving?

Is it reasonable to feel hurt by the distance even knowing everything he’s dealing with?

How would you approach communicating this without making him feel guilty or inadequate? I have communicated with him about it a little bit but not enough i fear.

Any advice or perspective would really be appreciated.

OP posts:
ApplebyArrows · 21/12/2025 07:49

Why does a 32-year-old not have enough savings to cope with only having one job for two weeks?

Pollqueen · 21/12/2025 08:44

I agree with exactly what everyone else has said. You should running for the hills

CarpetSlipper · 21/12/2025 09:02

End it. It’s been 6 months and he’s already made the relationship entirely about him.

FirstdatesFred · 21/12/2025 09:12

I don't think it should be this hard and angsty 6 months in!

Imagine what life you will have with him. He sounds draining.

financialcareerstuff · 21/12/2025 09:52

Oh sweetheart, you sound really lovely and caring, and you are understandably very emotionally invested, as this is your first sexual relationship…. But your job is NOT to be as understanding as possible at your own expense in a relationship.

I absolutely agree with everybody. You need to move on. It is sweet that you want to give credence to ten-year old grief. But while yes, someone can still care and find things hard at ten years, it is NOT an excuse to treat your partner badly and be a flake. This sounds like he is setting you up to have a permanent excuse for being a poor partner…. You are already in a situation when you feel you cannot express your needs, never mind get them met, out of respect for a loss that was ten years ago! That’s never going to go away, and basically means you never get to matter! Nah!!!! Even if it’s a totally genuine feeling on his part, it’s no use and not fair. On top of that, the fact that he hasn’t done the work to get more comfortable and functioning after ten years, and is willing to make that the excuse for being a rubbish partner reflects very badly on him.

then there is the money stuff. He sounds screwed up about money in multiple ways. 1. He has years old debt- from an accident that was his fault? First of all, he’s having car accidents that are his fault, and severe enough to cause bad enough damage to be paying off the debt years later? Do you know what happened? I have a bad feeling it may have been a drunken bender. Second, sounds like he was driving without insurance? Third, sounds like he doesn’t prioritize paying off debt. 2. His controlling whining about providing for you… when you live separately, only six months in, and earn yourself. Sounds unhealthy, especially since he’s not successfully providing for himself. 3. If he had two jobs, and has only not been working for 1-2 weeks, this should not be creating crisis. He should have emergency savings. If he has nothing atall at 32, despite being an able bodied man who works… red flag. Don’t get dragged into being responsible for that.

Another unpleasant aspect is that he’s gone cold after having sex. It was your first time…. And instead of caring about all that new closeness and making it wonderful for you, he’s being an arse, using a ten years later old loss as an excuse. No. How much attentive, loving behaviour have you had from him since having sex? It sounds unfortunately, that whether conscious or not on his part, he loved the chase……I’m really sorry that must be painful if it’s your first time… and If you were waiting, I wouldn’t be surprised if he really laid on a lot of the passion to get you to the point of deciding to go for this… it’s called love bombing… but even giving him a very big pass and assuming everything was sincere… he is clearly oblivious to your needs for closeness right now.

finally, nothing excuses plain old flakiness. Putting off committing to a plan is just totally inconsiderate. Don’t get tied in to someone who messes with you like that.

And to have all this showing already, after six months….. he is showing you what life will be with him- all about him, him unhappy and damaged in numerous sequential ways, money drama and angst and probably you supporting him, and who knows- the odd car crash too!?

i know all these posts will be tough to hear, and I am sure there are nice things about him too- you will probably feel you need to defend him…. But truly you deserve better.

Take it as a first experience- there were hopefully nice bits, and you learned a lot, but time to set the tone for your life. You deserve someone great who takes care of themselves, is reliable, grows from, rather than gets stuck in their traumas, and makes you feel really happy and able to express your needs. and yes, if you have a partner who is like that and proves themselves over years to be like that, then yes you are empathetic and understanding if they then go through something tough, as long as they continue to help themselves and don’t take it out on you.

Find the words today. Just write to him.
“Hi there. I think the six month point is a sensible time to take stock of how things are going. Unfortunately, I don’t think our relationship has what it takes to last the distance. I appreciate many things about you, but I don’t think we are ultimately compatible. Thank you for the positive parts of the experience. And I wish you all the very best, including getting through this tough period.”

Start 2026 anew!

Muffinmam · 21/12/2025 09:59

He lost his dad 10 years ago. It’s ridiculous that this even comes up. This isn’t grief - this is his personality.

He doesn’t feel the need to provide for you financially because he can’t even provide for himself.

He’s saying all the things to excuse shitty behaviour and to set himself up for you giving him money.

You are young and naive and you don’t have a clue what is going on.

It’s been six months. End it. This guy has absolutely nothing to offer you.

Channellingsophistication · 21/12/2025 10:04

I think at 6 months a good relationship should be still at the carefree, fun stage, not all this angst and worry about not being close.

I think its just run its course, you've dated and now you are seeing you are not compatible, because you are both unhappy.

Muffinmam · 21/12/2025 10:04

financialcareerstuff · 21/12/2025 09:52

Oh sweetheart, you sound really lovely and caring, and you are understandably very emotionally invested, as this is your first sexual relationship…. But your job is NOT to be as understanding as possible at your own expense in a relationship.

I absolutely agree with everybody. You need to move on. It is sweet that you want to give credence to ten-year old grief. But while yes, someone can still care and find things hard at ten years, it is NOT an excuse to treat your partner badly and be a flake. This sounds like he is setting you up to have a permanent excuse for being a poor partner…. You are already in a situation when you feel you cannot express your needs, never mind get them met, out of respect for a loss that was ten years ago! That’s never going to go away, and basically means you never get to matter! Nah!!!! Even if it’s a totally genuine feeling on his part, it’s no use and not fair. On top of that, the fact that he hasn’t done the work to get more comfortable and functioning after ten years, and is willing to make that the excuse for being a rubbish partner reflects very badly on him.

then there is the money stuff. He sounds screwed up about money in multiple ways. 1. He has years old debt- from an accident that was his fault? First of all, he’s having car accidents that are his fault, and severe enough to cause bad enough damage to be paying off the debt years later? Do you know what happened? I have a bad feeling it may have been a drunken bender. Second, sounds like he was driving without insurance? Third, sounds like he doesn’t prioritize paying off debt. 2. His controlling whining about providing for you… when you live separately, only six months in, and earn yourself. Sounds unhealthy, especially since he’s not successfully providing for himself. 3. If he had two jobs, and has only not been working for 1-2 weeks, this should not be creating crisis. He should have emergency savings. If he has nothing atall at 32, despite being an able bodied man who works… red flag. Don’t get dragged into being responsible for that.

Another unpleasant aspect is that he’s gone cold after having sex. It was your first time…. And instead of caring about all that new closeness and making it wonderful for you, he’s being an arse, using a ten years later old loss as an excuse. No. How much attentive, loving behaviour have you had from him since having sex? It sounds unfortunately, that whether conscious or not on his part, he loved the chase……I’m really sorry that must be painful if it’s your first time… and If you were waiting, I wouldn’t be surprised if he really laid on a lot of the passion to get you to the point of deciding to go for this… it’s called love bombing… but even giving him a very big pass and assuming everything was sincere… he is clearly oblivious to your needs for closeness right now.

finally, nothing excuses plain old flakiness. Putting off committing to a plan is just totally inconsiderate. Don’t get tied in to someone who messes with you like that.

And to have all this showing already, after six months….. he is showing you what life will be with him- all about him, him unhappy and damaged in numerous sequential ways, money drama and angst and probably you supporting him, and who knows- the odd car crash too!?

i know all these posts will be tough to hear, and I am sure there are nice things about him too- you will probably feel you need to defend him…. But truly you deserve better.

Take it as a first experience- there were hopefully nice bits, and you learned a lot, but time to set the tone for your life. You deserve someone great who takes care of themselves, is reliable, grows from, rather than gets stuck in their traumas, and makes you feel really happy and able to express your needs. and yes, if you have a partner who is like that and proves themselves over years to be like that, then yes you are empathetic and understanding if they then go through something tough, as long as they continue to help themselves and don’t take it out on you.

Find the words today. Just write to him.
“Hi there. I think the six month point is a sensible time to take stock of how things are going. Unfortunately, I don’t think our relationship has what it takes to last the distance. I appreciate many things about you, but I don’t think we are ultimately compatible. Thank you for the positive parts of the experience. And I wish you all the very best, including getting through this tough period.”

Start 2026 anew!

This is excellent advice.

I’m terrible with money but have only ever worked one job at a time. I lived within my means and bought my last car with cash. I also always made sure I had cash to draw from.

There is something very wrong with this man. He’s at an age where he can absolutely change the trajectory of his life - yet he’s still using his father’s death as an excuse - even though he died ten years ago.

Also, if this guy worked two jobs then surely he would have had annual leave owing to him from at least one of them. Every time I left a job I got paid out my leave entitlements.

WildLeader · 21/12/2025 10:15

Another layer to this is timing, our 6-month anniversary is tomorrow. The emotional closeness around that milestone matters to me, especially given how distant we’ve been lately.

@haileybabey honey, 6months is the time when you evaluate if there even IS a relationship not the point when you cement it.

this checkpoint is telling you that you’re not compatible.

it’s not your job to heal him, only he can do that and if he’s not making the effort to heal himself in 10 years, he’s not going to make that effort ever. He can use the bereavement as a crutch to support his other disordered thinking.

this guy isn’t for you my love, best end it sooner than later.

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