How do I extract myself from this ‘friendship’?

[OtterlyMad]

My cousin is roughly the same age as me. We lived just one street away from each other for most of our childhoods and neither of us have sisters, so our parents always expected us to be close. The problem is, I don’t enjoy spending time with her. She’s not a bad or horrible person by any means but she is sensitive, anxious, insecure, and hasn’t got much experience of the world outside of the small town we grew up in. I usually come away feeling drained by her negativity and frustrated by her small-mindedness. I think she might be lonely because she doesn’t do much outside of family stuff (she’s grown apart from her old school friends, didn’t go to university and dislikes her colleagues) and I do wonder if she scares off potential new friends by coming on too strong.
Up until recently, I lived abroad so I only really saw her when I came home for weddings, christenings etc. but I got a new job near our home town and now live only a 15 min drive away. At first I agreed to meet for the occasional coffee, but that seems to have given her the impression that I want to be besties. She now contacts me a couple of times a week, either to send me photos/videos/memes or to ask when we’re next going to meet up. I’ve told her I’m busy and been forcing myself to wait at least a week before responding, though it’s rare she leaves it that long before sending some sort of follow up. I had to mute her on WhatsApp because I was getting anxiety whenever I saw a notification from her! If we weren’t related then I would be upfront and just say she’s too intense for me and we have nothing in common so I don’t wish to continue the friendship, but if I offend her I will be blamed for causing drama and it will be really awkward at family events. My non-confrontational husband thinks I should just be her friend to keep the peace, but I honestly don’t think I can because one day I will snap and say things that I can’t take back…

How would you approach the situation? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m also not prepared to fake a long-term friendship with her.

It's not a friendship though, is it? She's your cousin.

Continue as you are, be very busy with work and your husband and your life.
Keep her muted.
Keep saying you will see her at the next family meet up, or don't respond at all.

Because you are related she doesn't get to involve herself in your life.
I would be very worried about your choice of husband considering the advice he has given you.
Don't bitch about her to family.
Stay on message, you are busy, busy, busy.

can you do something rogue like bringing along your mum for the next time you have to meet. Enforced the whole ‘we’re cousins not best friends’ rhetoric
But yes, plug the whole I’m so busy, sorry can’t meet
I’m so drained, sorry can’t meet
But still carry on with your normal and eventually she’ll see something on social media and get the hint
It is sad, but you don’t owe anyone a life.

I have similar with my sister, it’s really hard. I don’t want to cause huge family drama or cut her off, but I also just don’t want to spend any time with her.

My strategy at the moment is

• always delay responding, only reply to direct questions not photos/memes etc
• always delay meet-ups; be busy busy, suggest places you know she won’t go, leave things vague about meeting up “when work calms down”
• meet occasionally, preferably for a quick coffee or to do something that at least gives you distractions or a talking point like a Christmas market or art gallery.
• encourage any mention of friendships, if she directly suggests something she wants to do say that it’s not your thing so maybe one of her friends would like it, etc

And honestly ask your DH how much of his free leisure time does he spend with anybody who makes him stressed and miserable and why exactly he thinks you should.

Great idea above about inviting your mum - makes clear this is a family get together, not friends and also shares the difficulty of talking to her.

The suggestion to bring my mum is genius. Thank you!

I’d suggest doing things that you know she won’t want to do. Highlight your differences.

Just send bland replies. Thumbs up, smily face, lol. When she asks to meet up just say you’re too busy rn. She will get the message

Good advice above to involve your Mum. If you do feel you still have to meet up alone occasionally, why not arrange to go to the cinema or somewhere you don’t have to talk much?

*Edited to delete duplicate post as it posted twice for some reason!

That's smart!

If you gradually drift away she will eventually get her claws into someone else.

Keep her at a distance. But stay in contact.

Would it be kinder to meet one more time and let the conversation highlight how different you are. Then wind it up by saying “we really don’t have anything in common anymore, do we?” She’s unlikely to argue so you can just wish her well and say you’ll see her around.

I’d just hate to think someone I liked was having to work out a strategy to get shot of me. A direct but kind approach would probably make me a bit sad but being manipulated would be humiliating.

Keep on doing what you’re doing. Ie. Don’t respond instantly, set coffee dates for a month in advance, be vague with responses etc.

In my area, there’s ’women friendship groups’ on Facebook. Can you gently suggest she goes to one of these or the WI etc if she wants to get out more?

Next time she messages about meeting up, just say I'm honestly so busy I can't commit to catching up anytime soon. Il catch up with you at the next family get together. That should surely give her the message your cousins, not friends.