Being more positive

[way2serious]

How can I stop thinking negative thoughts about my DP and just focusing on the things that he does that annoys me. I get to the point in my head where I am just saying over and over ‘I hate him, I hate him’. How can I start to focus on his good points. He isn’t abusive in any way, I just end up focusing on what annoys me.

I think this can be quite common in PMT. If you know it always passes then that will help. I guess you need to work out how much this is a him thing and how much it is a you thing.

Can you give more context?

Outside of that, make a list of the positives to refer to...are there any?

@vincettenoir It isn’t PMT.

@ponyprincess Here is a bit more info. on the outside we have a good life with lots of holidays and chances to travel. He constantly tells me he loves me and is always terrified I will leave. He is a functioning alcoholic which he acknowledges but doesn’t want to change. His health is generally very good, including liver and kidney functions which adoring help as he sees no need to not drink.
on the positive side he is intelligent, very generous, responsive to most feedback I give or ask. But he is quite weak and I find I have to support him emotionally a lot whereas I am very undemanding. For example we have coped very differently with our respective parents dying.

it’s going to be nigh on impossible to stop those thoughts. You will end up hating both him and the drinking.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?. Did you see a parent drink to excess in childhood?.

There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic and you’re basically propping him and his drinking up. The fact his liver function is good is irrelevant. Did he tell you his liver function is good?. Alcohol affects far more than just the liver; it’s all the organs.

He may well hold down a job, well for now until he does not.

Did these holidays involve a lot of drinking too?. They were probably more fun for him than you. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

His primary relationship is with drink , not you and it has never been with you either. There is only one way this will further go and that is downwards. He is indeed terrified of you leaving but that is an action I would recommend you do because as said before you’re just propping him up, you are otherwise enabling him and so this codependent relationship is going to cost you dearly .

You cannot rescue or save him and you can only help your own self ultimately.

He is telling you both by word and deed he will
keep on drinking. He is in denial and does not think he has a problem. I would urge you not to waste any more of your precious time on him because it’s a sunk cost.

He’s an alcoholic. The functioning part is neither here nor there. The alcohol still comes before you. Im not surprised you feel negative towards him.

I came here to say start a gratitude diary. Now I’m not sure. I think you should be considering what life with him long term will look like.

Learn to be more selfless and carefreee towards him. We all go through problems and love the support of others.

You are living with an alcoholic.
It will never get better.
The sooner you can realise this the better you will be. That's it OP, you cannot save him or do any mental gymnastics. That's it. He has to do the work himself.

If you think you hate him then you probably do. His good points won’t make up for that, you just hate him despite those things

Unless he changes his behaviour then it’s unlikely you’ll stop focussing on the negatives. You can’t just blank the bad bits if they are things like he’s an alcoholic.

@way2serious I think the PPs are spot on re: the drinking and it's understandable hiw that makes you feel. I don’t think any list or focus of positives will help.

Is leaving an option?

Could you live separately but still date him. Then you can go to your own home when he gets drunk and you don't have to deal with it.

Well you’ve got ‘the ick’ because he’s an alcoholic and you know that will always be his priority. I’m not surprised.
He’s terrified you’re going to leave him because he knows most people won’t put up with being married to an alcoholic.