New username as I often change small details to avoid being outed and don’t want to derail by having to explain any inconsistencies.
I left an “abusive” relationship back in January 2025. We share three DC aged 7, 5 and 4.
I believe that the relationship was emotionally, financially and on a couple of occasions physically abusive.
Physical abuse involved grabbing me from behind and pinning me on the sofa when I was c.6 months pregnant. Punching the pillow next to my head during an argument when our newborn lay next to me.
Emotional abuse was more subtle and I’m still trying to unpick that, but small things like telling me I looked silly when I was dressed up to go out, having mental health crisis which would prevent me from going out with friends, asking if I was going to look for a better job when I excitedly told him about a new role that I’d been successful in.
Financial abuse included spending money on going out/alcohol/drugs resulting in us not having enough money for a booked ASDA order on a few occasions. Meaning that I had to cancel our weekly food shop.
I’ve used “” for abusive as I’m not sure if it was actually abusive as I’m still trying to unpick/understand things.
We have social services involved due to how my EXP treats the children. The first involvement was back in January when he caused an injury to our youngest child’s foot, it was bruised and swollen for almost 10 days. The outcome of this social services enquiry was that they recommended he be supervised around the children and should attend a parenting course. The abuse was described as low-level at the time. I was told to immediately report any further marks that he left on the children.
Social services are now involved a second time as EXP grabbed our eldest child and left red marks on his legs. I reported this and have also been very open with the social worker about historic incidents that I didn’t feel able to disclose during the first investigation. I showed the social worker photos from aprox. 10 occasions where he has hurt the children and left scratches and red marks on them. I also opened up to the social worker about how EXP speaks to the children. He talks to them like shit (was more polite when telling the social worker), he sounds irritated with them more often than not, and will laugh at them if they’re upset, angry, etc. rather than offering comfort. Making threats to kill himself in front of the children. His parenting style is very much control through fear, bullying and physical force. He would also make sexual advances to me infront of the children by groping me and using sexual language.
I told the social worker about his historic alcohol and drug problems and expressed concern that EXP has told me he is drinking again.
EXP is very charming and will go out of his way to help others if he thinks he will get some kind of validation from doing so. He won’t help us. I remember he once told me a story of how he’d helped someone at a train station and I was wishing that he’d show even 10% of that level of care to his family.
EXP has also been telling anyone who will listen how awful I am and how I’m the cause of all his problems. This has been building up for years. He had one group of friends who disliked me but they no longer speak to him as their eyes were eventually opened up to his behaviour. He had a group of work colleagues who he was very friendly with for a period of time. He was then fired from this job as his colleagues made complaints of discriminatory comments he had been making at work. His current “group” are from a local choir that he has joined. Some people who were friendly with me before now blank me as they believe the lies that EXP has told them about me.
Social services have now completed their investigation and have said that the current incident does not meet the safeguarding threshold. No further action will be taken and EXP does not have to be supervised around the children. Social services have accepted EXP that he had to grab the eldest child to prevent him from hurting our middle child. Social services have not viewed available CCTV of the incident. EXP has told social services that I had a problem with his parenting as I would have just allowed our eldest child to continue kicking and hurting the middle child. EXP has also told social services that feels my reaction to his parenting is alienating him as a parent.
I feel completely unbelieved. I genuinely believe that the children are at risk of physical and emotional harm. EXP has periods where he appears to parent well, but always reverts to type. I’ve spent the last 4 years cycling through changes in his behaviour. He sometimes parents well for 8 months, then something snaps and he hurts one of the children.