If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry

[NotInTheWrong]

This will be a bit long but just wanted to get it out! TLDR upfront- my now-separated-from-me OH has a stunning lack of ability to see things from someone else’s point of view (mine, in this case!) so is seemingly trying to passive-aggressively make me feel guilty by ensuring evidence is his physical assault against me and his lack of taking accountability is seen by me every day!

a couple of months ago my OH (well, we are separated now) slapped me full across the face and I reported him and he was to be cautioned. We’ve been separated since then with separate living arrangements but in the same house for now.

The actual official caution only happened on Tuesday and when he got back, he left the paper in a shared space (we literally tend to be not in the space at the same time) and had written a note on the back about how this was the culmination of all my bitterness, how I incriminated him etc etc He’s woven a whole narrative about how awful I am based on not a lot (I am not perfect but definitely not evil) which allows him to blame me fully for our marriage breakdown and him slapping me. Sigh. Anyway, he left this paper for me to see and I saw it, read it, folded it on the creases and put it on his shelf. The next time I came into the room, it was back in full view where he originally put it, with his note facing up. Fine- maybe he thought I did not see it. I again put it on his shelf…-again it appeared back where he had put it. Doing a general clean and tidy so moved it to my shelf thinking maybe he then he will consider me to have taken it and definitely seen it? Nope, he moved it back in the open!

Getting a bit ridiculous now- how does he not see that it is just reminding me all the time that he slapped me?! If know him, and I think I do, he thinks the note on the back will make me feel guilty for him having to be cautioned due to me…when all it does is strengthen my knowledge that he does not consider himself accountable. Genuinely baffled that he could be so blind to how thinks he can make me feel bad by reminding me that he did something violent and illegal!

Thanks if you made it this far!

I wouldn't be living in the same house and that newspaper would be in the bin or burnt. It's a wonder when he was cautioned they allowed him back with you.

It’s not a newspaper- it’s the official paperwork of the caution so I think that he should keep it otherwise I would have shredded/binned. The living arrangement is not ideal but works for us for now for many reasons. I am not scared of him and am safe but he crossed a line that I had to report.

this is just baffling though. How he can’t see how that paper is being seen from my side.

hide it or just leave it there
id want to write ‘try not slapping people’ on another post it note but obviously it’s more important you stay safe.
you need to change this living arrangement asap and stop worrying about his motives, he’s an abuser, you can’t figure out the logic of that. If he keeps telling you he’s the victim there’s a chance you’ll question yourself and start to believe him.

I have been tempted to write something like that, Pumpkin!
I am just leaving it there.
no fear that I will start believing him- out the other side of that now.

as for living arrangements- all a work in progress but genuinely working fine for this interim. Thanks for concern.

Might you need it for future use. I'd just file it away.

sorry you're going through this. But glad you're in your way out of it!!

I would have to put it in a frame and on the wall

They don't take responsibility for their actions so in his eyes you will always be the one at fault. It's far easier for him to blame you than it is to actually own what he did. There's no point trying to work out his behaviour as it's coming from a place that makes no sense to a rational person.

I would be very wary of him escalating, which is what my ex did. The escalation did enable me to finally get him out though. However, now the Police are involved, there should be a domestic abuse flag attached to your address which should provoke a faster response time. At least that's what I was told.

First post nails it.

Id take it and put it away out of his reach.

I’d just leave it exactly where it is and ignore it. He’ll be getting a sense of satisfaction every time he puts it back out, so don’t give him that.

He sounds dangerous. I would photograph the note as it is evidence of his awfulness. I would also ignore it now and work on moving out asap. Stay safe.

Do you have a filing cabinet? I'd file it. Or just 'tidy it away' in a place where he doesn't necessarily look.

Store the paper somewhere safe but out of sight, in case you ever need it again.

It doesn't really sound like the living arrangement is working - and impossible to imagine that it could when he was physically abusive and continues to be emotionally abusive. I would hasten getting an alternative living arrangement sorted so you can leave him and the whole relationship firmly behind you.

He is trying to make you feel guilty for something he has done so no accountability from him. Let him leave it out and it will also remind you every day why you are separated in case you ever did feel guilt.

What does it matter what he sees or doesn't? Just put it out of sight for now, move out (or kick him out as soon as you can) and move on from this. Fixating on his narrative, what he's thinking/seeing/feeling is just going to keep you stuck in a very unhappy and unproductive place.