Friend still not over a break up...two years later

[TheBlueRobin]

I have a very sweet, lovely friend who wears her heart on her sleeve and really hasn't had much luck in relationships.

In early 2022, she met someone on the apps and fell madly in love. He screamed red flags to me but she was very happy so I just supported her. That relationship broke down in summer 2023, so roughly 18 months later.

She often brings him up in conversation, talks about how she was good for him, how he broke her heart. He now lives in NZ and she has been in touch with him telling him he's making a mistake by leaving his kids in the UK and he blocked her. I told her that it wasn't any of her business and he was understandably annoyed.

Last week she was in tears because something had come up on her social media and it was him doing modelling with a girl he has met in NZ and looks like a new relationship.

Reasons he was a red flag:

• maintained they were in a polyamorous relationship, though that was only one sided from him
• he was a fitness influencer and model and just seemed to crave the attention
• never acknowledged the relationship to other people
• never did nice gestures or was affectionate
• blamed being neurodiverse on why he was distant or not communicating well
• it came to light he put her in some not nice situations in the bedroom (S&M)

I feel for her. I do. She is a great friend and regularly checks in with me, is very kind and thoughtful and we talk about many other things. I just don't understand how she's dwelling on this so much. I've been heartbroken so I know how it does wreck you but it just seems like a wound that doesn't heal, over 2 years later. I do listen, I am there for her. She has lost a friend over it because they basically ran out of patience.

She is mid 30s and badly wants a family and children so I know she feels very low and wonders if it will happen for her. She is trying, still on the apps, got herself a dog and is into fitness.

I don't think there's anything else I can but any similar situations?

Some people really do take ages to get over breakups. Time doesn't heal. What heals is doing the work of understanding what happened, accepting responsibility for your bits that led to the situation, maybe even looking at lifelong patterns of relationships to figure out what choices we make and why. And it's a lot of very uncomfortable work that many people don't want to face. I didn't until I was in my 40s. But once I did, not only it helped to get over a breakup but it also completely transformed my relationships and how I approach dating.

No but perhaps she needs some tough love by this stage? It sounds like she's almost enjoying the dwelling over the past. She's never going to move on until she actually makes a conscious effort to do so. Is there a way you can suggest counselling? Or just change the subject whenever she brings him up. Lack of oxygen might put an end to the drama.

She needs therapy.

Don't enable her fantasy. She's projecting a lot of her hopes and dreams onto this guy and she needs professional help. Stop discussing him.