I'm not even sure where to start, or if this will even make much sense but thought trying to write it down would be a start.
I (42F) am no/very low contact with my two older siblings (44F & 47F). The middle sister has some mental health difficulties so I've had a lifetime of treating on eggshells around her due to her volatility and everyone has had to put up with this otherwise we wouldn't have seen her kids. The oldest sister is like a spoiled teenager who has never grown up, very self absorbed and superficial, think the world revolves around her - and to an extend our family has had to, we've always been told to put up with her for the sake of the family / for mums sake.
I've always put up with these dynamics but since having my own children, I've put in some boundaries and tried to have space away from their toxicity.
My mum has always been fairly emotionally unavailable, she has her own difficulties in childhood which has meant we've always had to do things to keep her happy, stop her guilt trips, and pretend to be a happy family when we're far from it. She's never truly cared that we're actually happy - just that we play pretend and do things to keep her happy, with no consideration of us being happy too.
That's the background. I've muddled through with keeping distance but pressure has been building about Christmas, mum is expecting my family to go on boxing day. Ive said no, said I don't want to be around my siblings as it's too damaging, but it's all falling on deaf ears. She ignored half of what I say, then just defends the others ("oh that's just the way the older one is" "just put up with it for a day" and saying she'll be sad if we can't all get together for one day" despite me saying how sad it makes me). She said even in the war people put their differences aside for one day and after what she went through with her mother is it too much to ask for us all to pretend for one day.
Today she's just ignored what I said yesterday and said about boxing day food - completely ignoring my worries and the impact on me.
This might seem stupid as it's just one day but it's reflective of the crap parenting and family life I've had. Having to ignore how I feel and put up with everything so mum doesn't get upset.
I honestly feel like I need therapy or something or process my childhood and family relationships.
How do you get parents to listen or even consider your feelings over theirs? It feels impossible and it makes me so sad, and frustrated.
Am I a terrible person for wanting to protect myself rather than play pretend in this toxic environment again? It's putting a cloud over Christmas for me, and I also don't want my children exposed to this.