One last chance

[1976a]

I have lived my life with a drug addict brother. It’s been 30 years! In and out of rehab, huge stress on the family, I have not had him for Christmas for a few years as his presence causes me huge anxiety and stress. He wasn’t great at mums biryhday on the summer.

His lovely adult son wants to come to us along with our parents on Christmas Day which is lovely. Just received a text from him saying g he can’t wait to see us all on Christmas Day!

I’m in two minds- 1 I take the chance invite him and he’s either totally fine and it’s a great few hours or he arrives and I realise he’s using heroin but acting like he isn’t which is horrific and the day is ruined 2- I stick to my guns and say do r be so presumptuous, you are not invited and he then stays alone.

I am inclusive by nature but after years of therapy, adhd assessment and need g to put myself first do I go against this a d leave him alone? Fucking gate my life sonetimes. Thanks for reading a d would appreciate honest kind advice as it’s so so hard

I’d go for option 2. He needs to stay away. You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved. You can only help your own self ultimately.

"I have not had him for Christmas for a few years as his presence causes me huge anxiety and stress. He wasn’t great at mums birthday on the summer."

I think that is all the evidence you need not to invite him! You've had 30 years of this.
Why would you put yourself through more stress and anxiety again.

Is he even asking to attend?

You are guilt tripping yourself. Telling yourself that its not kind not to invite him.

But I think you should look at whether its kind to yourself, your parents and his son if you do invite him. They will also be feeling the stress and anxiety in advance and throughout the event. Maybe his son would like to have a normal family Christmas after what are likely to have been some very sad ones and that's why he's asked to join you.

Even if it all goes well and you all breath a deep sigh of relief.... the fact that you will all be on tenterhooks throughout due to past behaviour means that even with good behaviour you will still be a massive stress factor.

If you want to see him... see him.
But not at Christmas which is a pressure cooker loaded with so much emotional sentimentality and often unrealistic expectations.

Thavk you both. Yes I will see him but no he will not be at Christmas dinner! Decision made x