Long distance relationship future

[Louisa2026]

I have been in a mid-distance (2-3 hours away on the train) relationship with my 41 year old partner for nearly a year. We have a close, committed and wonderful relationship, talk every day, spend a good amount of time together (and with friends and family) and are about to spend two weeks together over Christmas. I am over 50 and have a 10 year old who is with me half the time. We have a wonderful relationship, however I get worried about what our future looks like! I enjoy my independence but miss him when we’re apart and am unsure about the next step. Or whether there even needs to be a next step right now! I feel we have a shared future, however we have never spoken about closing the gap. I am fearful of bringing it up, in case there is no solution and he says he hasn’t even thought about it. Unlikely I know. The whole topic me feel very anxious and insecure so maybe I just need to enjoy what we have, and let things evolve naturally or do we need to talk about it? He has no kids and used to live in the city I live in now. I am an over thinker, however this feels like the elephant in the room as we talk about everything else openly.

If you are scared to bring something up in a relationship...it's not a relationship.
You probably don't need to worry about it right now, that's also true. We tend to spend our time between ruminating about the past and worrying about the future forgetting that the only time we really live in is right now. It wouldn't hurt to deal with your anxieties, learn to tolerate distress and all the usual self-help things. Maybe a few counselling sessions to help you get your head in the right place?
And only then, approach this subject with your partner openly.

I wouldn’t really consider 2-3 hours to be long distance (I used to commute that far to work), but I don’t think the distance is really the issue here.

This sounds like a very new relationship still (less than a year) when you are in very different life stages - you in your 50s with a preteen, him at 41 with no children. Giving up the possibility to have children is a big step for him in committing to a relationship with someone past child bearing age. As is taking on a stepparent role to a child when you don’t particularly want children, if that’s the case.

I think you need to simply have a realistic conversation. If you want a serious relationship in the future. If this is just fun and going out, maybe without the expectation of monogamy, then that’s different.

I have been in a long distance (3.5 hours drive) relationship for four years. We are early 50s. I have my son now aged 13 with me full time so I have never been able to spend as much time as I would like with my partner. We see each other maybe 4-6 nights a month, plus a bit extra in school holidays.

We spent the first couple of years openly saying we had no idea where this would end. My son is still young and would never tolerate living with my partner. It did make me anxious at times and I think both of us were always half ready to walk away. Most of the time we focused on the now and how much we loved each others company and overall brought a lot of joy to each others lives. We did split up for 5 months because it seemed too hard with my son but got back together and have been much stronger second time round.

The last year we have been so strong and happy and finally making tentative plans for my partner to move to me eventually. Maybe in four years. It's definitely a marathon not a sprint for us.

In a way I have found it very freeing, this stage of life/relationship. I am not looking for a person to build a family/life with but someone to have as a defined aspect of my life. It takes the pressure off.

I do think you should speak to your partner about where you both think things may end up. I clearly remember asking my partner after about a year and him saying - "This could last another few weeks. Or we could end up buying a house together and retiring. This could end up anywhere". And it comforted me to know he was also open to the idea of long term, even our circumstances were so uncertain.

good luck!

Thank you. 😊These are all welcome comments. To add: He categorically doesn’t want kids Of his own and gets on well with my son, so far. All living together is another matter of course. He has been married before. As have I. We are in an exclusive relationship that would be a deal breaker for both of us.

My MiL is now in her 80’s she met her partner when my husband was 13. They didn’t move in together as she didnt want to cause disruption during his teenage years. Some 40 years later they still don’t live together and live around 2 hours away from each other. They holiday together, spend weekends. But still very independent & enjoy the balance, I may not understand but they seem happy this way. (I know my MIL so understand why he hasn’t moved in with her 😂)

That's a very good point. My mum (in her mid 60s) has been with her partner for 15 years and they live in separate households and travel to see each other at weekends and go on holidays together. Sometimes, adult relationships are just like that.
I am currently dating a bloke who lives 90 miles away.